


and when we were younger, we wore our hearts out on our sleeves

by vettelian19



Category: Men's Hockey RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe, M/M, Mitch is trans (bc apparently I can't write anything else), Trans Male Character, and he's also originally from Arizona for reasons(TM)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-20
Updated: 2021-02-18
Packaged: 2021-03-03 00:33:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 28
Words: 80,171
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24285925
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vettelian19/pseuds/vettelian19
Summary: Mitch's plan was solid: finish school, move to Toronto, get a great job working for the Leafs, and - apart from calling his mom every Sunday morning - cut ties with everyone from Scottsdale, Arizona without ever looking back at that hellhole again.The plan was solid. Foolproof, even. Up until Auston Matthews came waltzing back into Mitch's life and has decided to crash everything around him.
Relationships: Mitch Marner/Auston Matthews
Comments: 297
Kudos: 332





	1. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This time he’s not even lying. You can’t have a raging hate boner if you don’t even have the necessary equipment to have a boner in the first place.

Mitch is not trying to be difficult on purpose. He swears he’s not. 

“Why are you being so difficult about this?” Mo asks with an annoyed sigh and he taps his fingers against Mitch’s desk, clearly impatient, like he’s not only annoyed but also has five hundred other places to be. In his defense, he probably does, Mo is literally the busiest person Mitch has ever met. “I could ask anyone here to do this and they would be _happy_ and would thank _me_ for the opportunity and then there’s you, acting like you’re the martyr for having to work with one of our best players, as a hockey analyst working for the team. What did you think the work would entail when you signed up?”

Okay, when he puts it like that, Mitch does seem like he’s being difficult on purpose. But he has his reasons, okay?

He’s sitting in the chair he stole from accounting the other week (it’s way comfier than the one he used to have, and well, working late does have perks, even if it’s only that they can easily sneak stuff from the other offices) and he desperately wants to shove Mo off his table where he’s perched between Mitch’s fake cacti collection and his sticky-note covered desktop. He’s obviously not going to do that because he’s not five and he’s aware of the fact that Mo is his boss – but he still wants to.

“I don’t mind working with the players,” he says slowly, thinking carefully about every word he’s saying like he’s learnt to do whenever he’s lying about something. He’s had practice. “You know that. I just have a ton of things to do, and I’m running a pretty important simulation right now and you don’t actually want me to throw all that aside just so I can tutor one of the players on how sport stats work, right?”

“I do actually want you to take one fucking hour of your day and do it. Your simulation will be here for you once you come back.”

“But…”

Mo waves him off. “Cut the bullshit. What is your problem with Matthews?”

“I don’t have a problem with Matthews, I really don’t,” Mitch says and he thinks he actually sounds very truthful and honest and not like someone who’s…

“Tell this to the raging hate boner you have for the guy,” Kerfy quips in and okay, maybe Mitch didn’t sound as honest as he thought he did but also, since when was Kerfy listening in on their conversation? He had his AirPods in; Mitch thought it was a safe place to play martyr. That fucker with his smirk.

“I don’t have a raging hate boner for the guy, thank you very much,” Mitch says, throwing a death glare at Kerfy who just laughs at him in response.

This time he’s not even lying. You can’t have a raging hate boner if you don’t even have the necessary equipment to have a boner in the first place. Hah.

“Okay, look…” Mo starts again and he pinches the bridge of his nose. He’s clearly done with this conversation, and well – Mitch is with him on this. “He came into my office today, introduced himself like a proper decent human being and asked me if one of you could help him go over a couple stats because he wants to understand them more. Aren’t you proud that one of the players is actually interested in what we do here? That you could help the team by explaining things to him?”

“What’s going to be the next, Mo, you’ll start quoting motivational quotes at me like ‘Teamwork makes the dream work’?” Mitch asks and now he’s definitely being bitchy on purpose but he really, really doesn’t want to do this and he doesn’t know how else he could convince Mo to fucking drop it.

Mo does not look impressed with his comment.

“We’ll talk when you’re not being an idiot about this. Tell me when you’re period is over,” Mo says with a final sigh.

Mitch doesn’t even freeze up. He’s so proud of himself.

“Why do you even want me to do this? You could help him yourself if it’s such an honor,” Mitch adds and he’s glad that Mo is the chillest boss ever to boss because he’s sure other people would have already fired Mitch for comments like that. They would have fired him on, like, day one, no kidding.

“Because the report he was waving around was literally the one you put together. He wants to know about your work, Mitch, and you’re the best person to explain all that to him.”

“And why does he even…”

“Mitch, please,” Mo groans.

What would please Mitch, is a large iced coffee and this conversation to be over, but he shuts up. He’s a great employee like that.

“Okay,” Mitch sighs finally, and Mo honest to God, does a victory fistbump in the air. Chillest boss ever to boss, Mitch rests his case here.

“Here’s his number, set something up with him,” Mo says and puts a neon green sticky note on top of the other sticky notes collecting dust on Mitch’s desk. And computer. And phone. And even his keyboard. Mitchy might have a sticky note problem but when the inspiration strikes, it is always armed with bright pink Post-Its. 

“Thank you, Mitch, we appreciate your hard work here,” Mo says with a mock-salute and Mitch is not even going to dignify that level of sarcasm with an answer.

And with that Mitch thinks it’s over, and he can finally go back to his beloved database while secretly freaking out about what has just happened here, but that’s not the case. Obviously. Because he works with a bunch of gossip-hungry hellhounds who do not know when something should be left alone. (Or maybe they do know, they just simply don’t care. Mitch doesn’t know which one is worse.)

“So why do you hate Matthews?” Kerfy asks minus two seconds after Mo finally retreated to his office. The lucky bastard has his own office while Mitch has to share with Kerfy and sometimes even Hollsy. And it’s not that Mitch thinks that he’s so important that he would require his own office but – it must be nice to sometimes have a bit of peace and quiet where you’re not always asked about your deepest and darkest secrets.

“I told you, Kerf, I don’t hate the guy. I have absolutely nothing against him, I’m just busy,” Mitch says.

“Okay but have you considered that maybe you’re totally and absolutely lying to me?” Kerfy asks, and his voice is still infuriatingly even, totally not like he has just accused Mitch of lying to him.

“Well, you are entitled to think whatever you want to think,” Mitch says and he even puts his headphones on. He’s basically radiating ‘don’t fucking touch me’.

But it’s not like that ever stopped Kerfy before.

Mitch would like to believe that the shriek he lets out as Kerfy throws one of his stressballs at Mitch’s face is at least semi-dignified.

“What is wrong with you? I’m working,” he fumes and takes the stressball in his hand. He is very definitely stressed, so it’s actually kind of useful – not that he would ever admit that to Kerf.

“You never act like this about the players. You like hanging out with them. You still hang out with a couple of the Marlies and you worked with them for like two months.”

On most days, Mitch likes the fact that Kerfy is smart. If there’s one thing Mitch absolutely hates, it’s working with stupid people. He and Kerfy work together a lot so, really, it’s a good thing he’s smart. Mitch knows that.

This time, though, this time he kind of despises that Kerf is so smart and observing and that he notices every fucking thing – even the things he shouldn’t.

“Wait, do you like…” Kerfy starts when Mitch has kept his silence for a good couple of seconds, “… you don’t like _like_ -like him?”

“Did you really just say like _like_ -like?” Mitch asks and decidedly avoids answering the question.

“You know what I mean. Do you actually like him? Is your raging hate boner and actual boner?”

Mitch would still like to point out that he is physically incapable of having a boner but he’s not going to. For obvious reasons.

“Don’t be an idiot, Alexander,” Mitch says and he hopes that even if his words are not believable, his overdramatic eye-roll will do the job. “Definitely not my type. I honestly don’t have a problem with him. I’m just tired and cranky and I don’t think that this is the impression I want to make on the new face of the franchise.”

Kerfy doesn’t look like he believes Mitch but he sighs and shakes his head, so Mitch is pretty sure he’s finally letting it go. A boy can dream.

“Anyways, whatever you hate him for is something you should probably get over quickly. He’s been here for about four days, but the city of Toronto adores him already.”

“They’ll get over it the moment he so much as breathes the wrong way, you know exactly how they are,” Mitch says.

Alex raises his eyebrow. “So now you’re hating on Toronto, too? Your Arizona blood is showing. Oh hey, did you know that Matthews is also from Arizona?”

For a guy who literally graduated from Harvard and who Mitch literally called smart not even a minute ago, Kerfy can be pretty fucking stupid sometimes. 

“No, Kerfoot, I, a person from Arizona, was not aware of the fact that the most famous player from Arizona who just got traded to the team I’m working for, is actually from Arizona. Thank you for enlightening me,” Mitch says and he swears he can feel the sarcasm dripping from his words. He should probably tone it down a bit, he’ll drown in his own sarcasm.

“Ha-ha, very funny,” Kerfy says, and Mitch would make fun of his terrible come-back effort but after that Alex is seemingly done with the conversation, so for once, Mitch is happy to stay quiet.

Finally.

But no, Mitch gets to work for about 4 whole minutes (a personal record in this office that is apparently the hottest room in the organization for a bit of gossiping session) because then, almost perfectly on cue as Mitch is starting to finally compose the email he has started writing about an hour ago, Zach and Willy burst into their office.

“Guys, I am in love,” Willy proclaims and throws himself down in Mitch’s old chair in the most dramatic fashion ever. 

“Good morning to you, too, William,” Mitch says and saves the draft in his email. He’s never going to finish his report, and then he’s going to be fired and end up on the street begging for change. He doesn’t even know who he should be blaming here. Mo, Kerfy, Willy, Zach, or even Auston fucking Matthews – Mitch has an abundance of choices here, really, he’s so lucky.

“Love, if I say so, gentlemen,” Willy says, completely ignoring Mitch’s greeting as usual.

Zach takes his seat on Mitch’s desk and sends a long-suffering look in his direction. Mitch likes Zach, has always liked him because Zach is nice and quiet and keeps his desk tidy and he probably wouldn’t want to intrude Mitch’s privacy with annoying questions about his life when he’s working. Maybe Mitch should have become an accountant like Zach and now they could be sharing a little office together – Mitch likes numbers after all. Accountancy is basically a slower version of data analysis, right?

“So who’s the lucky lady? Or lucky gentleman?” Kerfy asks and Mitch doesn’t know what sort of boring-ass report he’s working on, but he seems like he’s way too interested in everyone else’s private life lately, so it must be something really bad. It’s probably goalie stats from the playoffs. Those are literally impossible to make sense of which was the exact reason Mitch pawned them off to Kerfy at their last meeting. Mitch is not a nice person, he knows, but he’s willing to go to Hell if he can avoid goalie stats. Easy trade-off.

“It’s Auston Matthews, boys. He’s a delight,” Willy says and he sighs contentedly in the same overdramatic fashion he does literally everything in his life. 

Willy works on the third floor as a social media guru for the Leafs (probably not his actual title but this is what he calls himself), dresses like he’s stumbled out of a closet of a post-post-modern artist living in Brooklyn and uses words like ‘lit’ and ‘slay’ and Mitch finds him the most endearing and annoying person at the same time. 

Right now, though, he’s definitely in the annoying category.

“You’ve met him?” Kerfy asks and he still looks way too curious.

“Have I met him? Oh boy, I have even talked to him. And let me tell you guys, that American accent is doing things to me.”

“Please feel free to never tell us what sort of things it’s doing to you,” Zach groans and Mitch pats his thigh in support.

“I’ll protect your precious little straight ears, Zachary, don’t worry. But seriously, the dude is hot. The pictures and videos do not do any justice for him,” Willy adds as he starts spinning around on his chair. Mitch feels like he should tell him that his old chair is literally only held together by a generous amount of Scotch tape and some prayers and that Willy should most definitely not be spinning around like that but well – Mitch is currently sort of engulfed in an unreasonable and unjustifiable amount of raging jealousy so he doesn’t say anything.

“You see, Mitchy, the dude is nice. You should stop hating on him,” Kerfy says.

Mitch does not groan.

“You don’t like Matthews?” Zach asks. 

“How can you not like Matthews? He’s so gorgeous, Mitchell, I thought you, of all people, would see that.”

“I don’t have a problem with Matthews,” Mitch says for probably the thousandth time today. Maybe if he says it enough, he, himself, will believe it too.

“Sure, you don’t,” Alex quips in. “Because you actually have a crush on him.”

Mitch is going to commit murder here today. He doesn’t know which one of them he’s going to kill yet, but he thinks it’s become inevitable. He’s not making the rules here, it has to be done.

“I’m pretty sure it was Willy who literally said half a minute ago that he was in love with the guy,” Mitch says.

“His voice, you guys,” Willy immediately latches onto the topic of his musing and for once in his life, Mitch is glad (even if he’s still a little jealous – but no one needs to know that), “it’s like this deep, sexy, almost husky voice that sounds like…”

“Okay, that’s enough for me,” Zach says and holds up a hand to stop Willy. “Let’s just pretend that no one likes Matthews and no one hates him and definitely no one thinks his voice is husky or sexy or whatever. We came to get you guys for lunch and I, for one, would rather spend my lunch break getting pasta from that nice place four blocks away, then keep gossiping about Matthews.”

Mitch is ready to declare his undying love for Zach at that moment. Finally, someone with some fucking sense.

After that, lunch is an easy affair. It’s bickering over which flavored iced tea goes best with their pasta, making fun of Alex for the truly alarming amount of parmesan he is drowning his spaghetti in, and quiet chatter about Zach’s failed attempt at cooking dinner yesterday. 

By the time Mitch gets back to the office, he is content and slightly buzzing from Willy’s contagious energy and he’s happy to announce that he has managed to avoid the food coma that usually settles on his brain in the afternoons. Kerfy is finally hard at work, quietly bopping his head from across the room, listening to the weird death metal he seems to love so much, and for the first time that day, Mitch is almost in a perfect headspace to get a couple things done from his never-ending to do list.

But when he sits down to his desk, the neon green sticky note is still there. The A. Matthews is written in Mo’s handwriting, Mitch recognizes that, but the number below is unfamiliar – scratchy digits crammed too close together, the 8s and the 3s almost too similar to read them easily.

It’s a good thing Mo gave him Auston’s new number. Mitch has already deleted his old one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this chapter tells basically nothing about the story but bear with me!! I know where we're going!!


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Well, excuse you, Alex, Mitch was busy freaking out about potentially ruining everything he’s built up for himself here, but sure, be all high and mighty.

Mitch doesn’t call Matthews. 

He tried, okay? He really did. When Alex and Mo went down to have a meeting with someone (Mitch doesn’t know who, there are like a bajillion people working for the Leafs), he picked up his phone, unlocked it with his ridiculously complicated passcode, and he honest-to-God started to put the number in to call him but then… 

Well, okay, he has absolutely no excuses, he literally just freaked out before he could have hit Call and then smashed his phone down on his desk so hard, he chipped the corner of his case. 

Mitch is so going to get yelled at and probably, oh _certainly_ , get fired but he can’t do this. He knew that he couldn’t do it when he said yes to Mo, but now he’s painfully aware of the fact that there is no way he can even come up with any sort of justified explanation on why he’s not actually able to do this.

The thing is, Mitch doesn’t think Auston would recognize his voice if they talked on the phone. Mitch knows Auston wouldn’t – his voice definitely dropped after he got on T, it dropped quickly and beautifully and Mitch smiles every time he thinks about it (he would smile now too, but he’s busy having a crisis about getting fired in about 24 hours). But there is a really big chance that Auston would recognize him face-to-face, and Mitch just… he can’t let that happen.

And honestly, this is literally the most unfair situation ever. Mitch chose Toronto for the very reason that it was as far away from Arizona as they get – no one was supposed to know him here. That was the whole point of dropping everything and moving across the continent. And now Matthews is going to come in, and wreak havoc on Mitch’s painfully built life and… no, he can’t let that happen.

Okay, Mitch is not being completely honest here: he did already realize the fault in his plan exactly four days ago, exactly after the Auston Matthews trade was announced – so it’s not a completely newfound problem. But he calmed himself down then, told himself that just because he’s working as an analyst for the team, it doesn’t mean he’s actually in contact with most of the players. He’s not even a senior analyst for fuck’s sake – he wasn’t supposed to even interact with the hotshot player the team just got in the latest trade for literal scraps in return. (Okay, that’s rude, Mitch: the Leafs gave up a fair amount in the trade to get Matthews, don’t call them scraps.)

Maybe Auston wouldn’t recognize him, though. When was the last time they saw each other? Auston moved away when Mitch was 15, a red-faced freshman feeling scared every single day he had to step into high school. He also just started to realize what the fuck was wrong with him (great times, would not recommend) and he and Auston weren’t even close anymore. Even back then, Mitch was not of any interest anymore to the big and famous Auston Matthews who was destined for greatness and all things shiny.

Mitch has changed a lot since he was 15. Everybody changes (they are the formative years or whatnot, after all) but Mitch has very definitely changed a lot – with the whole getting on T and growing (barely visible but existing) facial hair and dropping voice and all the good things. So Auston might not recognize him but… there is a chance he could and that chance sends a painfully cold chill down Mitch’s spine.

“Earth to Mitch,” Alex shouts in Mitch’s ear and he jumps back so hard, his flailing arms knock his phone down once again. Mitch’s phone is not going to survive this day, rest in peace.

“What the fuck, Kerf?” Mitch mutters as he picks up his phone from the ground.

“What the fuck, you, Marner. I asked you if you were also heading out because I’m leaving,” Alex says and when Mitch finally takes a look at him, he’s all dressed up, bag and phone in hand, his large and overpriced headphones carefully hanging from his neck.

When did it get so late?

“You could have just repeated the question like a normal person,” Mitch grumbles as he checks his phone again for new cracks. Nothing is broken this time, thank god for carpeted floors.

“I repeated the question exactly four times but you’re apparently not listening to me today,” Alex says.

Well, excuse you, Alex, Mitch was busy freaking out about potentially ruining everything he’s built up for himself here, but sure, be all high and mighty.

“Sorry, I’m not really… on top of things today,” Mitch says instead. Lying comes easily when you’ve been doing it your whole life.

Alex doesn’t say anything for a long moment. “I see that. Maybe you should go home, too. All of this can wait till tomorrow, Mitchy.”

And Mitch smiles and nods and says sure and thanks and have a good evening. And Alex smiles too and then leaves, like he knows he’s done what he was supposed to, already almost overdoing his duties as a concerned co-worker. 

And just then and there, something overcomes Mitch, something needy and scared and lonely, and he almost wants to call after Alex as he’s walking out and ask him if they could talk. He wants to stop him and ask him to stay and please listen because he realizes that he does not have this under control and he very definitely needs to talk to someone about this.

But then… but then he would need to tell Alex everything. Everything that Mitch never wanted him to know. And it would lead to even more questions and Alex would look at him differently and Mitch doesn’t want that. That was the thing Mitch has _never_ wanted. 

The feeling disappears after that, and Alex, too, down the corridor to the elevators, and Mitch is alone. And he’s glad he didn’t stop Alex, because they’re not even friends, really, good colleagues maybe or buddies – and whatever they are, it’s none of Alex’s business. Really, Mitch is glad he didn't stop him.

The neon bright sticky note is still bugging him from his desk. Mocking him even, daring him to fuck everything up. 

Mitch looks at it for another couple minutes, trying to stare it down, hoping that if he looks at it long and hard enough, he can make the problem disappear.

It doesn’t work like that. It never fucking does.

He goes home instead and eats leftover Chinese wearing only underwear on his couch, looking as miserable as he feels on the inside. 

He doesn’t call Matthews and in about 20 hours, he is going to realize how utterly stupid that decision was.

*

Even though Mitch is prepared for the very worst today (namely, getting fired or shouted at by Mo), the whole thing still manages to take him by surprise. Because obviously, it’s Auston Matthews we’re talking about – he’s pro at surprising Mitch at every fucking turn possible.

The day is a mockingly beautiful one. July in Toronto is nothing like July in Arizona but Mitch still appreciates the rise in temperature – it makes him feel at home without actually feeling like he’s back in Scottsdale. His subway ride is also enjoyable and as he takes the elevator and walks into his office, he feels that even if he gets fired today, he could still enjoy a nice scoop of gelato while walking the shameful walk of the freshly unemployed. The nice gelato place even has a spacious patio where he can put down his box filled with his office knick-knacks he’d have to gather up after he gets fired – it’s all planned out in his head. Mitch always thinks of everything.

Alex smiles at him when he gets in and, oblivious to what his words unleash in Mitch, also lets him know that Mo wants to have a word with him after he’s done with his morning debrief with management.

“Great, thanks for letting me know,” Mitch lies with an unwavering smile on his face and he fires up his laptop to finish up the last piece of analysis he’ll ever do for the Leafs. It’s actually a super interesting analysis on a couple variations of D-pairings they might want to use next season, and Mitch is a little heartbroken that he won’t get to fully explore it but well, what can you do? If you got to get fired, then you got to get fired.

(Okay, Mitch might be a little overdramatic here, but this is not his first problematic decision while working here, and he genuinely thinks that this is going to be the last drop in Mo’s glass. It should be the last drop if Mo knows what’s good for him.)

He has just settled on a Spotify playlist for the day when Mo’s booming voice fills their office.

“Mitchell Marner, I am so proud of you,” he says and Mitch is just about to freeze up like a deer caught in the headlights when the words finally reach his brain.

Mo is what now? Proud? Mitch was prepared for getting fired – but he was not prepared for losing his goddamn mind. Or maybe entering an alternate universe? No one is ever prepared for that.

But Mo is grinning at him and when he takes a seat in front on Mitch’s desk, he seems delighted. Happy even.

“I honestly thought you wouldn’t call him because you seemed so freaked out about this whole talking to Matthews thing yesterday. But you proved me wrong, kid, and I’m happy you did,” he says as he pulls his phone out of his back pocket, slightly struggling on the creaky old chair.

Mitch still has no idea what Mo is talking about. Is this a setup?

“What… did you umm, talk to Matthews about this?” Mitch asks finally.

Mo starts nodding without looking up from his phone, and Mitch’s glad because he’s sure his facial expression would betray him.

“Oh yeah. I asked him after our meeting today with Kyle if you’ve called him because I wasn’t sure you would. And first, he was like, no, I haven’t heard from him and then I was ready to get angry at you but then he checked his phone and saw your message, so all’s good,” Mo says, and when he finally looks up at Mitch, Mitch has exactly minus three seconds to plaster a smile on his face.

Matthews saw his what? Message? What is going on?

“Oh yeah,” Mitch says eventually. “It’s all good now,” he adds, trying to look enthusiastic about the whole thing. 

And he is enthusiastic about the whole ‘apparently not getting fired today’ thing but he would still like to know just what the actual fucking is going on. It would be nice, that’s all, Mitch doesn’t think it’s a lot to ask.

“That’s it actually, I have nothing else to say to you guys,” Mo laughs and Alex lets out a snort at that. “I just don’t feel like working and I was hoping to avoid having to do something by being here.”

“So you’re basically hiding from everyone in our office, Morgan? Is this the sort of example we should be following here?” Alex asks with a grin and Mo waves him off.

“I’m simply checking up on my favorite workers to see if you guys are happy and fulfilled and devoted to this great organization.”

“You know what would make me happy and fulfilled and devoted to the organization? A coffee, Mo, a big, steaming cup of Timmies.”

“I’ll give you a big steaming cup of…” 

But Mitch barely even registers them shooting the same shit they do every single day because his brain is fixated on one thing only: why would Matthews think that Mitch has sent him a message? Did Mitch send him a message unknowingly? But no, he checks his phone and there’s nothing, he hasn’t even put Matthews’ number into his contact list and there’s definitely no outgoing messages that would indicate that any sort of communication has taken place between the two of them. But that means that Auston has either lied about getting a message (and why would he do that) or he did get a message from someone else (but who would do that).

Mitch is baffled and confused and disoriented, and he keeps being all three of these even after Mo leaves their office and even as the hours tick by. It’s a Friday and the offices on their floor are already almost completely empty by 2 pm and when Mitch starts thinking about leaving (and about getting his ‘congratulations on not getting fired today’ gelato), the majority of the doors are closed down for the weekend. It’s quiet and peaceful everywhere – which is also the exact same reason why Mitch almost gets a heart attack when he hears a knock on his door as he’s finally putting his things in his bag.

“Hi,” says Auston Matthews, his hand still hovering next to the spot on the door he has just politely knocked on, looking unsure whether he’s even allowed to enter or not.

Mitch doesn’t think that he’s as helpless as he used to be but in that very moment, he feels like he is, helpless to do anything, to move or to breathe even, and if he could gather up a single thought in his head, it would be a prayer for the ground to swallow him, right there and then, taking his stupid desk, his stupid lies and his stupid fake cacti collection with him.

The awkward silence stretches around them, and it’s thick and suffocating and Mitch feels the sweat build up high up on his forehead. He knows he’s supposed to say something before Auston points out the obvious but he feels exactly like he does before a panic attack – he knows he should be doing something to prevent it, he is aware that it’s coming and it’s building up but he just can’t, he _can’t_.

“Sorry to bother you, but I’m looking for a Mitch Marner? I’m sorry if I’m in the wrong place, the girls down in HR told me this is where I would find him but this whole corridor is huge and complicated and not getting lost is definitely not my strong suit,” he says and he lets out a little, almost self-conscious laugh.

And Mitch is looking into those big, brown eyes that that don’t stop looking at Mitch even as the air gets heavy and awkward around them; big and brown and familiar and _unrecognizing_ and Mitch just.

Mitch feels like he’s exhaling for the first time since he's heard about the trade.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is going to be angsty for a bit, Mitch has... _issues_. I'm sorry. Kind of. Don't kill me? 
> 
> Comments are love, keep them coming, I'll totally answer them... at one point in my life!
> 
> Also, don't get used to the daily updates, I'm supposed to be working but I always get carried away with new fics. Whoopsie.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hermits live a nice, peaceful life, right? Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad after all. Mitch could see himself living in a cozy little cave somewhere.

Auston Matthews is sitting in front of him in a chair that visibly struggles to take his weight, and for one ridiculous second, Mitch’s only thought is how utterly mortifying it would be if five days after getting traded to the Leafs, Auston Matthews would get hurt because the nerd analyst couldn’t find him a better chair to sit in.

If that would make the headlines, Mitch would have to hide forever. He would have to become an actual hermit and live in the woods because no way is he living that reputation down.

“So… I saw your report about my shooting percentage,” Auston says when Mitch doesn’t say anything, apart from mumbling out a quick ‘yes, me, Mitch, sit down’ when Auston appeared in his door. (Mitch wishes he was kidding but no, these were the actual jumble of words that left his mouth.)

Hermits live a nice, peaceful life, right? Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad after all. Mitch could see himself living in a cozy little cave somewhere.

“Oh you did?” he says eventually when it becomes obvious that Auston is waiting for some sort of acknowledgement here.

There’s a small, slightly amused smile playing on Auston’s lips and Mitch has no idea how to interpret it. (It makes his stomach uneasy – how he’s looking at his face that is still, after all these years, so painfully familiar but also unreadable. Mitch doesn’t want to know his face so well but it also twists something in him that he doesn’t know what the twitch of his mouth means anymore).

Auston has changed a lot, too. His face has lost its roundness that seemed to stuck to him since he was a little kid, and the way he does his hair now completely changes his features (Mitch is not sure he likes it). It’s not like this is the first time Mitch has seen his face since he’s moved away – Mitch followed his journey through juniors and then through his year in Switzerland and then the draft and checked up on him all the time when he was down in Nashville, so the change is not surprising him. 

All the other things that he couldn’t see on the pictures do surprise him, though. The way he moves way more gracefully than he has ever did before, the way he doesn’t hunch down anymore but seems to fill up the space he was meant to.

The way he smiles.

“I did,” Auston says, and so far, their conversation is borderline the most boring thing Mitch has ever taken part in. “This is why I asked Morgan to ask you to maybe set up a meeting or something because I have some questions.”

“Oh, about that, I…” Mitch starts because he’s finally remembering the elephant in the room. One of the elephants in the room – it’s basically becoming a zoo at this point. “You told Mo I messaged you?”

“I did. It seemed like a good idea,” Auston says and smiles at Mitch. His smile still pushes Mitch into an existential despair but it’s also a great smile – wide and open and kind while also being a little cocky, too.

“Why?” Mitch asks before he can stop himself.

“Honestly? I thought you just forgot and I was like, well, I always forget things like that so I might as well help you and, you know, not rat you out to your boss,” he says with a slight chuckle. He’s enjoying himself, at least – apparently it’s only Mitch who’s screaming non-stop internally.

“But now I see why you wanted to not set this meeting up. You know, deliberately,” he adds, and Mitch is not screaming anymore. His heart is in his throat. Even if he wanted to make a sound, he knows he couldn’t.

“I… it’s not what you…” Mitch starts eventually but Auston stops him.

“Look, I’m flattered, but unfortunately I don’t swing that way. I would really appreciate your help in a strictly professional matter, though,” Auston says and maybe Mitch is only imaging it, but his voice seems a little harsher than before.

Mitch is also losing his goddamn mind because what did Matthews just say? He couldn’t possible think that… There’s no way in hell, right?

“Oh my god, I don’t like you, what the hell?” blurts out Mitch and he might say it a bit louder than he intended because Auston flinches back almost immediately. “I mean… shit, sorry, but you’re misunderstanding this.”

“Oh…” Auston says, and as the realization dawns on him, a dark red blush slowly appears on the high of his cheek. “Shit, I’m sorry, I’m…”

And Mitch doesn’t know if it’s because Auston is babbling away now, awkward and confused and exactly like he used to when he was 10 and self-conscious about everything, or it’s because the whole situation is just clearly ridiculous, but Mitch starts laughing and then Auston joins him and it’s…

It’s still awkward and it’s still a whole lot of lying on Mitch’s part but suddenly, he realizes that there’s a chance he might actually be able to do this.

He knows it’s crazy, okay? It is crazy. Because he has been freaking out about this meeting for days now and he knows what’s at stake but… It’s also Auston. He knows how to talk to Auston. He used to, at least. 

And Auston is clearly not recognizing him – he’s not that great of an actor – and he’s not this big, bad, untouchable hockey player either and maybe, just maybe, Mitch can actually handle this. Because he’s not good with people he doesn’t know but he does know Auston, even if years have passed, and… call Mitch crazy again, but now that Auston is here and now that Mitch knows that he doesn’t recognize him, he is almost glad that Auston has walked into his office? 

Well, not glad, because Auston being back in his life, in whatever capacity, is a huge risk factor, but… it’s Auston.

“Okay, hey, let’s start again,” Mitch says, and Auston seems to relax a bit. “I’m Mitch.”

Auston nods. “Auston.”

Mitch smiles. “Nice to meet you, Auston. Sorry, I forgot to set up our meeting? Totally my bad, and I appreciate you not ratting me out to Mo,” and we never ever have to talk about the really reason why I didn’t want to meet you, right? Good talk.

“That’s okay, thanks for meeting me,” Auston says.

It’s clear as day that Auston is still as polite as he was when he was a kid. It’s clear as day that Ema Matthews did not let him be anything else but polite even when he was a big, bad NHL player racking up the points every season. 

(Mitch misses Ema. He misses the food she used to make them, and the hugs she used to give, and he hopes she’s happy because if someone deserves to be happy on this godforsaken Earth, it’s Ema Matthews.)

“So do you want to have this meeting now? I mean, you probably have better things to do on a Friday afternoon…” Mitch says.

Well, he thinks people have better things to do than discuss shooting percentages on a Friday afternoon. Mitch doesn’t know – he doesn’t have better things to do, that’s for sure.

“I mean… my last couple of days have been complete chaos,” Auston says and oops, yeah, Mitch kind of forgot that allegedly the trade was completely out of the blue and surprised almost all players involved. “But I see you were about to leave already, so we can set something up for next week?” he says as he looks at Mitch’s half packed bag laying discarded on his desk.

And Mitch doesn’t know what comes over him but the next thing he says is, “Or tomorrow? We could get some food and I could explain everything you want to know.”

Oh my god, Mitchell, that is the furthest thing away from an analyst meeting. That is called asking a guy out on a date when he literally just told you that he doesn’t swing that way. What is wrong with you, Mitchell?

But before Mitch could take it back, Auston starts nodding, “Oh yeah, totally, that’s a great idea. I know absolutely nothing about Toronto, so you can show me the best places.”

Like their budget is even within the same universe, Matthews.

Mitch obviously doesn’t point that out. Mitch is also currently busy floating in a complete and endless daze while he exchanges numbers (now Matthews is finally in his contact list, under a very professional looking 'Matthews, Auston :)') and talk details on where to meet up tomorrow.

Because that’s a thing they’re doing. Mitch is meeting up with Auston Matthews for lunch tomorrow to go over his shooting percentage stats.

Mitch is still in a daze when Auston finally gets up from his chair and moves to walk towards the door. He tries to get out of it, but it’s like his head has been mashed up completely, and the thoughts ‘Auston’ and ‘not date’ and ‘he’s here’ and ‘his smile’ and ‘he’s going to know’ are just floating around with no chance of every settling down.

“Hey,” Auston says when he almost reaches the door.

Mitch looks up but Auston doesn’t continue immediately.

“I...” He starts up eventually but he clearly doesn’t know how to say what he wants to. “Can I ask you a weird question?”

“Sure?” 

“Do you happen to know Hailey Marner?” 

Mitch doesn’t know how the world doesn’t end, right there and then. Mitch is not the center of the universe, but he’s sure that he is the center of his own world, and his own world should end there. It should come crackling down around them, should go up in smokes. It should not be standing untouched, unscathed and unmoved. It should not be silent, without the screams Mitch is almost certain even Auston can hear coming from Mitch’s mind.

“Because… you look exactly like her? Like, freakishly exactly like her. And I haven’t seen her in like… oh my god, 10 years almost? 9?” Auston continues. “And your name, too. But I know she only has one brother, Chris, so you can’t be siblings, but like maybe she’s your cousin?”

“I…” Mitch starts but… what is he supposed to say? He can’t even think straight, there no way he could come up with an explanation.

“Oh, ignore me if I’m wrong. It’s just the whole time I was trying to figure out if you guys are maybe somehow related or you’re one of those doppelgangers or whatever they’re called? But she used to be such a nice girl, I'm sure she still is, I was just wondering if…”

And Mitch is blaming Auston for just showing up out of the blue, unannounced and unplanned, already wreaking the havoc Mitch knew he would, and he’s blaming Mo for making him do this, and he’s blaming everyone who has ever pushed him to this point with their words and their slurs and their indifference and…

“Yeah, she’s my cousin,” Mitch says and when Auston’s face lights up, Mitch’s stomach curls up on itself, squeezing it hard and not letting go.

Fuck.

*

Mitch knows he has made a very big mistake. He knows this as he goes home (eating a double scoop of the amazing salted caramel gelato he doesn’t deserve), he knows this as he scrolls through his Instagram on a Friday night looking at dogs to adopt, and he knows this when he goes for a jog at 8 pm when he finally understands that without burning a bit of the excess energy coursing through his body, he’ll never going to settle for bed.

He knows this the next morning, too, when he wakes up too early for a Saturday morning and looks out from his window, hugging a cup of coffee in his hands like his life depends on it.

Because lying once is not the end of the world, but one lie is never just one lie. A lie always leaves cracks around it, and those cracks have to be covered with lies again, and then it’s all there is: lies upon lies upon lies, and at the end Mitch is not even going to remember his original reason for not telling the truth.

Mitch knows that not wanting to come out to every single person is not actually lying. It’s not anyone’s business and Mitch doesn’t owe them anything – he doesn’t have to tell it to anyone he doesn’t want to. It doesn’t change the fact that it still feels like it is a lie to him, still feels like hiding. It’s still not saying the truth even if the truth doesn’t actually change anything about Mitch. Someone not knowing that Mitch is trans is not going to change Mitch as a person, just as being trans doesn’t change you as a person – but not telling someone, deliberately deciding to hide it, does change you even if you don’t want it to. 

Mitch knows it’s maybe fucked up thinking but he doesn’t know how else to think. It’s frustrating and frustrated and it makes him angry but he doesn’t know how to not think like that. He doesn’t know how to stop not wanting this thing to define him while also feeling like a liar when he acts like the way he thinks he should in order to not let being trans define him. (Fucked up, eh?)

And whatever he is actually thinking, whatever fucked up issues he still has and will probably always have, he took it to the next level with Auston. Because it’s one thing to not come out to someone, it’s a whole different thing to actually lie about who he is. Or who he is not.

And Mitch doesn’t know how to approach that. He doesn’t even want to poke it with a stick from a reasonable distance but its very existence still frustrates him.

By the time, he gets dressed and washes his coffee mug, he’s not even angry anymore. He’s just disappointed – in himself, in the world he lives in, in everything. And he wants to get back some semblance of the weird mixed-up happiness he felt when he saw Auston yesterday, but when he thinks of Auston now, he thinks of his lie, and it’s not a happy feeling. It’s bitter, the kind of bitter that stucks to the back of your throat so you can’t scratch it no matter what you try.

He takes the subway, but he gets off a stop earlier. As he walks to the small café, he feels his steps slow down, he feels the reluctance spread around his veins.

He should come clean to Auston. He should tell him everything, apologize for lying yesterday, and just tell him the truth. He should get it over with, do it as quickly as possible before it spreads any further, before it damages something it should have never reached.

He can do this. He can go in and tell the truth to Auston and then he wouldn’t have to hide. It would be out in the open – even if being out in the open is the very thing that terrifies Mitch.

Mitch spots Auston, sitting by the window, leisurely scrolling through his phone as he waits for him. He is tanned, his arms and calves are exactly the same color they used to get in the scorching Arizona sun, and he looks happy and relaxed. The exact opposite of what Mitch feels like, the exact opposite of what he probably looks like.

Auston is not looking up from his phone, and Mitch keeps looking at him through the glass, debating, struggling.

Okay. He’s going to tell him everything. He has to.

So Mitch goes in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember when I said not to expect daily updates because I'm working? Haha, I guess I was the only one who didn't get the memo (please, take this fic away from me, I need to work, help).
> 
> I'm also taking my real-life angst out on poor Mitchell, so like, just a heads up. Fluff will eventually come. And redemption and all that. But first, we gotta suffer.
> 
> Comments are still amazing and wonderful and they make my day, so thank you. <3


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “So how’s Hailey doing?” Auston asks.

Auston Matthews doesn’t order French toast even though it’s on the menu. 

It shouldn’t surprise Mitch as much as it does – Auston is a professional athlete playing at the highest level possible. Of course, he’s not going to eat something that has absolutely no (probably minus something) nutritional value, not even if it’s the middle of July and training camp and the hockey season is still ages away. 

Auston used to love French toast, though, and seeing him looking at it on the menu and still opting for eggs and the whole-grain toast and some salad still makes it a little bittersweet.

Everything is bittersweet for Mitch apparently – who the fuck gets emotional over eggs and toast?

Mitch doesn’t ask about the lack of French toast, just gets some eggs and bacon, too, and asks for the largest mug possible for his coffee. The waitress laughs at him when he says that, this bright and honest laugh that makes both Mitch and Auston smile at her.

“I’ll make sure you get the largest one,” she assures Mitch, and flicks a long curl of her blonde hair over her shoulders as she walks away. Sometimes Mitch wishes he was straight, honestly. Girls are pretty to look at. Like, not in a ‘I want to sleep with you as soon as possible and also potentially make you fall in love with me’ way, but in a purely aesthetic sense, like when you see a beautiful landscape or a painting or a bouquet of tulips. Mitch appreciates the beauty, sure he does, but he doesn’t want to get with the beauty.

Oh, yeah, Mitch was also totally planning on telling Auston everything, right? Keep your head in the game, Mitchell.

“So how’s Hailey doing?” Auston asks.

Perfect opening. Tell him, Mitchell.

“She’s…. I haven’t talked to her in ages to be honest.”

Great job, Mitchell, what the actual fuck.

“Oh, me neither,” Auston says and he almost looks a little sad saying that. Thoughtful, too, like he’s not saying everything he’s thinking. “Honestly, between the two of us, I feel bad about the way I left things with her.”

Fucking hell, don’t lead him on like this, man.

“Really?” Mitch says, and for a second, he thinks the words are going to choke him. They should choke him.

Auston sighs and leans back in his chair, his fingers fiddling with his napkin, folding and re-folding it until it becomes all rumpled up. “Yeah, I mean… we used to be great friends, you know? She was one of my best friends growing up – we used to live on the same street – and then, I don’t know what happened, I guess as we went to high school we drifted apart and then we moved, you know, and then it was… it, I guess. We just never really talked anymore.”

Mitch is not saying anything, though, and when Auston looks up at him from staring at his disaster of a napkin, he sees something on Mitch’s face that makes him stop.

“Fuck, sorry, I don’t even know why I’m telling you this. It’s none of your concern. I just thought I’d, I don’t know, check up on her if you maybe knew what she’s been up to.”

“No, it’s…” Mitch says and he feels every part of his brain screaming at him, “it’s nice of you to ask about her. I’m sure she would appreciate it.”

Auston smiles at that finally, like Mitch absolved him from a crime of some sort with that one sentence.

“Yeah, anyways, tell me about Toronto. Have you been living here for long? You’re from Arizona, too, right?”

And Auston looks hopeful and interested and kind, all the things that Mitch liked him for, all the thing he considered him basically _family_ for when they were kids. And Mitch is looking at him now, all grown up but still the same kind-hearted kid, and…

Mitch is selfish maybe but Mitch wants to have Auston back in his life. He always wanted people like Auston in his life and he thought he would get them when he moved here, when he decided to start a new life. But when you start a new life at 24, you don’t get to have people with you who have watched you grow up. Who were there for you when you fucked up and when you scraped your knee and when you sneaked out of the house late at night.

But maybe Mitch can build something up here, too, something meaningful over time. This is what clean slates are for, right? To start over, to build something new from scratch. 

And Mitch imagines what would happen if he told Auston who he really was. He imagines coming out to him, and telling him all that, and he can picture it in front of himself, a crystal clear image of Auston as he changes, as the way he _looks at_ Mitch changes. As he looks at him in disgust or maybe just pity or maybe none of those, but as he just starts looking at him as Hailey – and Mitch thinks that all three of these are bad, but the last one might be the worst.

So without even realizing that he’s making a decision, without even really understanding what he’s doing, he opens his mouth and starts talking about Toronto.

*

Their plates are almost empty, save for some leftover toast on Auston’s plate, and Mitch has consumed so much coffee, he’s practically buzzing from the caffeine.

He’s also in a middle of a rant about goals versus threshold because Mitch does not hate any metric with a burning passion but if he would, he would certainly pick that one.

“Like, I get that you would use that for forwards and goalies, but defensemen? No way. You’re going to get results that are the furthest thing away from the truth,” Mitch says and he only stops because he’s out of breath and because Auston’s smirk is… Mitch doesn’t want to say that it’s doing things for him but he does kind of lose his train of thought as he looks up.

Mitchell, this is already a clusterfuck of a situation, do not even think about reigniting your crush for Auston Matthews.

“I have absolutely no idea what all that means,” Auston says simply and his smirk remains.

Mitch blushes immediately. “Shit, I’m sorry, I get carried away when I’m talking about… all this,” Mitch says as he gestures towards his iPad showing a bunch of graphs and two of his notebooks scattered on the table between their cups and plates and dirty napkins.

“No, honestly, this was totally… enlightening. But math has always been a bit of a mystery to me.”

I know, Mitch almost says, because he remembers how much he used to help Auston with his homework after his hockey practice. Math has been the biggest mystery for him since forever probably.

“I’m just surprised you even asked, to be honest,” Mitch says, and takes a sip of his cold coffee. Pretty waitress girl offered to get him a refill but he refused – he’s already addicted, let’s not take it to another level.

Auston looks almost a little awkward when he hears that which is… let’s just say, it piques Mitch’s interest.

“I want to do good for this team, you know? I want to do as much as I can,” he says eventually.

It would sound like an admirable statement on its own but there’s something in Auston’s voice that makes Mitch think there’s more to the story than that.

“You’re honestly the best thing that has happened to Toronto in ages. Not to make you all big-headed or anything, but I’m pretty sure half of Toronto cried when the trade was announced,” Mitch says and when he sees that Auston wants to get a word in, he adds, “and they were very definitely tears of joy.”

Auston smiles and shakes his head a little. “You work for the Leafs, I’m pretty sure you’re not allowed to say anything else.”

“No, I can totally criticize you if I want to. I have the numbers to back me up, people trust numbers.”

“Well, you can, but I can always tell Morgan that you literally forgot to do your job, you know,” Auston says and his eyes honest-to-God twinkle in the sunshine. This is only supposed to happen in books.  
“Touché. But really, Nashville was stupid to give you up. I don’t know what they were thinking.”

And okay, Mitch knows it wasn’t a completely innocent comment from his side but the way Auston freezes up is so very telling.

“Yeah, I guess. Anyways,” Auston adds, and okay, then they’re apparently not talking about that anymore, “I really appreciate you taking the time to do this for me.”

“It was my pleasure,” Mitch says and Auston smiles at him again.

And the thing is, it _actually_ has been a pleasure because Mitch is a stupid, masochistic idiot but he also really likes spending time with Auston, so honestly, chatting about sport metrics over coffee with him is basically the best time Mitch has had since… since getting to Toronto a year ago probably.

Mitch quickly buries that thought next to all his other repressed feelings. To quote the one and only John Mulaney, we do not have time to unpack all of that.

When they get the bill, Auston snatches it up before Mitch could even think about getting it.

“My treat, don’t even think about it,” Auston says, and the tip he leaves on the table is definitely way higher than 20%. Good boy.

The sun is hidden behind the buildings when they walk out of the café but it’s hot and dry and, frankly, just outright beautiful and Mitch wishes he could somehow stretch out their time together. No ulterior motive – it’s just genuinely nice out there.

“Almost like we’re back in Arizona,” Auston says as he puts his sunglasses on. “I don’t think I’m prepared for the winter here.”

“Oh no, you’re not. I almost froze my ass off last winter,” Mitch says and when Auston smiles back at him, Mitch wishes he could see his eyes.

They should be saying goodbye already but Mitch gets the feeling that he’s not the only one who’s reluctant to do that. “I had fun,” Auston says and Mitch doesn’t point out how much that makes their meeting sound like a date, even though he kind of wants to.

“Yeah, you’re a good student of the holy school of hockey analytics,” Mitch says.

“You’re not a bad teacher either,” Auston adds.

He doesn’t swing that way, Marner, says the voice in Mitch’s head just as he’s about to think how close that sounded to flirting. Do not even dare to hope, you idiot.

“Do you need a ride home?” Auston asks suddenly.

“Don’t you have places to be?”

Auston shrugs. “I have about a bazillion boxes in my apartment waiting to be unpacked and I honestly have no idea where I should even start. I’m procrastinating here, help a guy out.”

And well, how could Mitch say no to that?

*

“Okay, I’m kind of disappointed,” Mitch says as Auston pulls out of the parking spot from a nearby street. His parking looked like a disaster, his car taking up almost two places with the way he’s left it but Mitch is not going to laugh at him because… well, Mitch does not know how to properly parallel park either. It’s a skill he gave up on ever learning.

“And why’s that?”

“You’re a hockey player. Why are you driving a Honda?”

“What’s wrong with a Honda?” Auston asks distractedly as he’s trying to change lanes.

“There’s nothing wrong with a Honda. It’s a reliable choice for soccer moms,” Mitch says and he can’t stop the grin on his face.

“Are you calling me a soccer mom?”

“Just please tell me this is not your actual car. Don’t destroy my illusions here, please, I’m begging you.”

Auston sighs but he seems amused. “I’m renting it. I literally just picked the least ugly one. But I’ll buy a car once I actually settled all the other stuff, you know. A nice, flashy sports car. You’re going to be okay with that?”

“Aww, thank you, man, I knew you had my back.”

Auston honest-to-God rolls his eyes at that. Drama queen.

Mitch’s place is not actually far away from the café but Toronto always seems to be stuck in a traffic jam, so it takes them a good 20 minutes to actually drive there. And while they’re driving, the conversation flows easily, and they even bicker over which radio station they should be listening to (they keep changing it so much they don’t even get to listen to a full song by the time they get to Mitch’s place) and it feels so normal, Mitch is not sure he can really comprehend the feeling that’s taking over him.

It doesn’t feel familiar – they’ve never done this when they were friends, they were way too little for cars and driving and just… _all this_. But it feels like they did experience this, in a way. It feels like it’s the exact same thing they should have been experiencing in the last couple years. 

Mitch shouldn’t be thinking about this. Not now, maybe not ever.

“That’s me,” Mitch says as Auston pulls up in front of his building. “Thanks for the ride, man. Even if, you know, it was in a Honda.”

Auston just ignores his comment. “Thanks again for everything.”

And for a moment, Mitch thinks about telling him again, thinks that maybe, maybe Auston would understand this whole thing. That he would react the way Mitch would like him to – if there was a way Mitch actually liked.

He gets out of the car instead, and then he knocks on the window, so Auston rolls it down. 

“Good luck with the boxes,” Mitch says, and Auston laughs.

“You’re evil,” Auston say at the end, and when he drives away, Mitch is left with sound of his laugh in his ears.

*

Mitch goes to bed that night way too late, staying up to marathon old episodes of Community. He knows he’s only distracting himself, he knows he’s not thinking about things he should be thinking about but his apartment is quiet around him, the only sound of the quiet dialogue coming from his laptop, and it’s easy to pretend that this is just a normal Saturday night. That nothing of substance has happened today.

When he actually, finally goes to bed though, he has a message waiting for him on his phone.

Matthews, Auston :) : _Thx again for everything!!_

And Mitch wishes he could say that he doesn’t know what he thinks about it. He wishes he could say it’s complicated, a mixture of emotions, because in all honesty, it should be. If Mitch had any self-preservation left, he should be at least a bit conflicted about this but…

No, Mitch looks at the message and he smiles.

*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If there are typos in this, I'm blaming the whiskey I've consumed - but like, my sister got engaged today you guys, you gotta drink to celebrate that!
> 
> Also, I'm a lying liar but I can't seem to stop writing.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mitch is not saying it makes any sense. It is what it is, though, even if no one gets it.

Mitch is currently very busy pretending that he’s not looking at a Toronto-based shelter on Instagram checking up on the dogs for adoption obsessively like he does every goddamn weekend. (Sometimes weekdays too.)

Mitch’s mom sighs, and even though the video quality is not the best (the Wi-Fi at Mitch’s place has been acting up lately), the sigh is somehow still crystal clear. Or maybe it’s echoed by Mitch’s conscience. 

“No, Mitchy. You live alone in your apartment and you’re in the office for basically the whole day. We’ve talked about this,” she adds when Mitch doesn’t react to her dramatic sigh.

Mitch waves her off. “I know, mom, I know. I’m not going to adopt one, I’m reasonable about this.”

Mitch’s mom doesn’t say anything but one of her eyebrows start trailing up her forehead in a truly admirable display of disbelief. Mitch ignores that too.

Mitch is pro at ignoring a lot of things.

“But honey, we haven’t even talked about the good news,” Mitch’s mom says suddenly and she sounds so excited, Mitch actually puts his iPad down to listen to her.

“What good news?”

“Honey. About Auston, of course,” she says.

Mitch doesn’t freeze up. The alarm bells don’t start ringing in his head either, calling in all troops possible. Mitch is totally chill.

“I’m sure you’re happy to have him in Toronto,” Mitch’s mom continues without waiting for a reaction. “You two were such great friends. You did reach out to him, right?”

“I… we’ve met yesterday actually,” Mitch offers but the alarm bells are still going off. This is not good – nope, Mitch does not like where this conversation is going.

Naturally, Mitch’s mom visibly perks up when she hears Mitch’s answer. “Oh, that’s great. Honestly, I was relieved when I read the news. I knew you were really lonely up there, I’m just glad that Auston is finally there with you. It seems like it’s fate, you know?”

“I wasn’t lonely, Mom,” Mitch says immediately, ignoring the rest of her non-sense about fate.

He knows he sounds defensive and he knows his mom will think that he’s defensive, too, but he can’t help it. It’s a sore spot.

“You were but it’s okay, honey,” his mom says in her simple, no-bullshit manner and even if Mitch would want to argue with her about this, that tone stops him. “And was he surprised?”

And Mitch is usually a pretty perceptive guy, but right now, his mom’s previous ‘you don’t have friends’ comment is still messing with his head – so for a second, he truly doesn’t get what she's asking. “Surprised? About what?”

His mom is silent for a really, really long moment. “About your transition, darling.”

And suddenly Mitch would prefer to talk about literally anything else.

“Mitch?” his mom asks when he doesn’t say anything and Mitch wants to pretend that she’s cut off, that the Internet was not working and he didn’t hear her but…

It’s his mom.

“I didn’t tell him,” Mitch says eventually, and even though his coffee is truly fascinating today, he has to look up to see his mom’s reaction after that. He doesn’t want to see it but he knows he needs to.

“But… I’m sure he’s noticed, darling. It is a… quite visible change,” she says, and her voice is gentle – gentle but sure.

And Mitch keeps looking at her through the screen of his phone and his mom keeps looking back at him, giving him time but also not letting him get away with this, and if there’s anything in this world that Mitch knows intimately well, it’s _that_ look.

So Mitch tells her. The whole thing, right from the beginning. Right from when he heard about the trade. Right from the dread he felt. And her mom looks exactly the way he thought she would – not disappointed, per say, but a sadness spreads on her face that in uncomfortably close to regret. Pity even. 

She’s definitely not surprised, though, that realization doesn’t make Mitch feel any better. Kind of the opposite, really.

And naturally, she tells him to come clean. Tells him she knows it’s hard but he can’t keep this up because Auston will get hurt and he will get hurt and that it’s good for no one. Tells him not to beat himself up over this, either, and that Auston will understand. That Auston is not like that. That Auston will be good.

And Mitch tells her everything he knows he has to: tells her thank you and that he will and that he knows too, and he almost, kind of, in a way means it, too. 

After that, they chat about non-important things, some ridiculous gossip that she’s heard in the office on Friday, and what she’s cooking for Sunday lunch because Chris and his girlfriend are coming over and it’s only the third time she’s ever come so she has to cook a four-course meal at least. It’s a little stilted still, a little awkward – but it’s far from their most loaded conversations, not even close to being top 10.

What Mitch doesn’t tell her is that even though he genuinely does understand where she’s coming from re the whole Auston thing, it still doesn’t make it any easier. And it’s stupid because it should, right? It fucking should because who the fuck would decide to keep up this charade when they know it’s going to end in flames – that there’s no way it could ever be okay? You would think knowing that would make the decision easier. A no-brainer, really. 

But it doesn’t. Because Mitch knows what it feels like when things go up in flames. It’s bad and terrible – but it’s something Mitch knows, something Mitch has already experienced, something almost familiar. Because he knows he can deal with people once they already know, even if their reaction is bad, even if it’s the worst – but coming out still terrifies him beyond anything. That one moment when he has to say it out loud, that one moment when you’re in limbo, when there’s no reaction – that is Mitch’s biggest fear. No matter how irrational and stupid that is, no matter how many good coming out moments he has. 

Mitch is not saying it makes any sense. It is what it is, though, even if no one gets it. 

*

Mitch is making a very ugly-looking broccoli casserole when his phone buzzes. He’s grating parmesan on top of the broccoli pile (a lot of parmesan, Mitch almost feels like a hypocrite for making fun of Alex’s cheese consumption the other day), so he doesn’t check it, but then it buzzes again, and again, and a couple more times in quick succession, and it’s not like Mitch never gets messages but multiple messages? That’s not something Mitch’s used to, so he puts the cheese down and unlocks his phone without washing his hands.

And there, between an old crack on his screen and a fresh, cheesy fingerprint, are 9 new messages from one Auston Matthews.

It’s not like Mitch thought he and Auston would never talk again. But he kind of assumed that it was a one-time thing, an outlier in their relationship – nothing permanent, nothing to keep up with. (Even if Mitch kind of wanted it to be something permanent. Kind of wanted it a lot.)

But apparently Auston did not get the memo that he’s supposed to be a famous and important and busy hockey player who should definitely not be texting random hockey nerds they barely even know – because he’s here. And he’s very definitely texting. (Or okay, he does know Mitch, fair, but he also doesn’t know he knows him? It’s complicated. Mitch’s life is a tad bit complicated.)

Matthews, Auston :) : _Hey_

Matthews, Auston :) : _are you free today?_

Matthews, Auston :) : _and if yes, do you want to maybe come with me and check out some cars?_

Matthews, Auston :) : _it’s okay if you don’t_

Matthews, Auston :) : _I just thought you wanted to see my new fuckboy car_

Matthews, Auston :) : _*not flashy, reasonable and totally useful car I mean… autocorrect haha_

Matthews, Auston :) : _sorry that was bad_

Matthews, Auston :) : _I can pick you up, lmk what time, we can go anytime_

Matthews, Auston :) : _(sorry for all the messages, i’m kind of a double texter)_

Mitch’s heart does not throw somersaults. Definitely shows no excitement or, you know, any fond feelings. Actually, there are no feelings involved here. None at all.

He also definitely does not text back quicker than he could even think about what he’s doing, pressing more and more greasy fingerprints down on his phone. (It’s becoming a habit lately for some reason. Not the greasy fingerprints – the not thinking part.)

Mitch: _double texter Matthews, more like you’re writing me a novel_

Mitch: _and sure, i can even be judgey for you so you don’t pick some monstrosity. I LOVE hating on cars I will never be able to afford in my lifetime_

Mitch: _pick me up in like 40 mins? gotta finish cooking first_

Auston sends back two thumbs up emojis and that seems to be the end of their conversation, so Mitch locks his phone again and puts it face down on the counter. Then about two seconds later, he picks it up again to check if maybe Auston has said anything else (he is a double texter, after all) – but no, nothing more, Auston clearly got his answer and is done with the conversation.

(Mitch knows his phone would be buzzing if he did send something but, you know, he likes to make sure. Maybe it forgot to buzz. Maybe it’s being a moody little asshole and is depriving Mitch on purpose from seeing Auston’s new messages.)

Mitch is also completely aware of the fact that he is being ridiculous. Because it’s not a big deal – Auston knows no one in the city and he probably doesn’t want to look at cars alone, so Mitch came in handy. Mitch probably wasn’t even the first person he texted – he was probably like the fourth or fifth one. Mitch is not getting his hopes up, not getting excited about this. Believe him, he’s not seeing things where there’s absolutely nothing to see.

Oh, Mitchell, what the fuck did you even get yourself into?

*

Mitch is not reigniting his crush on Auston Matthews but he would also like to point out that, from a purely objective point of view, Auston Matthews looks exceptionally good today. 

He’s wearing a pastel pink, faded tank top that is cut way too low under his armpits, showing off literally half the side of his torso with ripped shorts that are more rip than actual denim, and his sneakers are so white Mitch would like to take them off and put them behind protective glass because he’s pretty sure that the moment Auston takes one step, they’ll get dirty and ruin his whole look.

He kind of looks like a fuckboy, too, going out to buy his fuckboy car and Mitch hates that he actually appreciates literally everything about the outfit and Mitch, oh my god, you are not, no, nada, absolutely not reigniting your crush on Auston fucking Matthews, stop this.

Auston has been back in his life for two freaking days, less than 48 hours for crying out loud, and Mitch is already lying about his own identity while falling head first for him which, even by Mitch’s standard, is absolutely and utterly ridiculous.

Get a grip on yourself, Marner, you are not this stupid usually. You’re probably just like deprived for affection. But that doesn’t mean you have to fall for the first pretty boy with kind eyes and an even kinder heart.

“I have a very important question,” Mitch says without even saying hello as he gets into the Honda because he and Auston are clearly already best friends who know nothing about being polite to each other.

“Yes,” Auston says and it doesn’t sound like a question even though Mitch is pretty sure he’s meant it to be one.

“Are we buying the car today? Or are we window-shopping?” he asks as puts his seatbelt on.

“I mean… I feel like I shouldn’t impulse buy a car? That doesn’t seem like a very mature decision?” Auston says.

Mitch nods seriously.

“Good idea. But like, hypothetically, if you were to fall in love with a Porsche 911 and you impulse bought it today, what would you do with this Honda? Logistically speaking? Because I never understood how people go car shopping by car.”

“I think there is a very slight chance we’re actually buying a car today.”

“But hypothetically.”

“Hypothetically, I would drive the car back to the rental place and then take an Uber back to the dealership and then drive my new car home. Or I would be an asshole and call the rental place that I’m Auston Matthews and I have left their car at the dealership and please, could you get it from there somehow? I’ll even give you an autograph.”

Mitch snorts. “I’m repulsed by you, I hope you know that.”

Auston laughs, too, and he cranks up the AC to the max. Arizona boy. “Shame, I thought we were BFFs now.”

Mitch’s heart does not skip a beat hearing that. Nope. Still absolutely no feelings.

“Okay, we can go to the dealership,” Mitch says and fakes a sigh that makes Auston grin again.

“Are you sure you’re satisfied? You know, logistically speaking?” 

Mitch shrugs. “I mean, it’s not ideal. But I guess we’ll be fine.”

As they stop for a traffic light, Auston turns to look at him with a lopsided grin that makes Mitch want to shout from the rooftops. “I know we will be.”

Less than two days, Mitchell. This has to be your personal record.

*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad week (with the exception of maybe yesterday) and I'm indulging myself with this fic - so here's some angsty Mitchell and the loveliest Auston in a super short chapter that should not be a chapter on its own because there are, like, zero things happening in it. 
> 
> That's the good thing about writing a fic, though - I can just say, fuck it, this is not a published piece of writing, I am writing this to make myself feel better and not for this to make sense from a narrative point of view. (Hopefully it will make someone else feel better, too, and then we can say fuck it together. That would be nice.)
> 
> Take care of yourselves. xx


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And in front of them, the Canadian summer stretches out lazily and tastes like Mountain Dew.

Mitch’s dream car is right in front of him, so close he can almost touch it, but he doesn’t get to sit in it because Auston Matthews is a cruel, cruel person. 

Mitch doesn’t even like him anymore – in fact, he is pretty sure that Auston Matthews is the most annoying and terrible person who has ever walked this Earth. Like, sure, he’s nice and funny and unfairly good-looking and smells so freaking good but who the fuck even cares about all that when he’s currently withholding the keys to a Porsche 911 with the biggest, meanest looking grin on his face.

“Why are we not in the car already, Matthews?” Mitch asks and he’d like to believe that he sounds threatening but – okay, Mitch is not even kidding himself, he’s like the least threatening person you’ll ever see in your life, and yes, that does include toddlers, too. 

“It’s not even that pretty of a car, Mitch,” Auston says and he spins the key around his ring finger like it’s some sort of throw-away toy and not something that could unlock Mitch’s life-long dream. 

“Do not even dare to repeat that blasphemy ever again. It is literally the most beautiful car your sorry ass has ever seen.”

Mitch doesn’t even remember the time he first fell in love with that stupid car – he only vaguely remembers that back when he was in college, he was once asked what his favorite car was and he, without any sort of hesitation, said that it was the Porsche 911, that absolute pinnacle of engineering expertise. Which, looking back, is slightly ridiculous, because even though Mitch did have a phase when he convinced himself that he was interested in cars, Mitch knew jackshit about them, and further probed, would probably have had to face the dire consequences of throwing out random car names that he actually barely even knew. 

(Like he knew he found it incredibly beautiful but he knew literally nothing else, no further specifications, no anything. That whole phase was probably a side-effect of being trans, now that Mitch is thinking about it – getting interested in weird manly things in an attempt to reclaim his masculinity is a recurring thing in his life.) 

But once he’s said it, the Porsche kind of grew on him, and it stuck – and whether it’s because Mitch has acquired a taste for it or because he was just too lazy to change his answer, well, not even Mitch knows the real reason now.

What he knows, though, is this: Auston Matthews is aware of the fact that Mitch is dying to get into that stupid car and he’s just spent a good 10 minutes contemplating whether they should even take it out for a test drive or not.

“I’m still not convinced, you know. There are so many other cars, maybe we should try something different, right?” Auston asks and the absolutely shit-eating grin on his face is slowly driving Mitch mad. And making him hot and bothered. But mostly mad.

The lady who gave them the keys (and fawned over Auston’s presence for literal minutes) suddenly appears next to them. She’s wearing high heels that look neither pretty nor practical and for a second, Mitch wonders whether the outfit is company policy or her own decision. He feels for her either way.

“If you’re unsure about which model you’d like to take for a test drive, I’d be happy to give you other options, too. Just let me know if I can help,” she says.

“No, no, we’re taking this, it’s okay,” Auston says immediately and closes his fingers around the keys before the lady could snatch it from him (though Mitch very highly doubts that was ever a possibility).

And the thing is, Mitch is not complaining or anything because within two minutes he finally gets to smooth his hand over the leather interior (which is definitely the best possible thing that could have ever happened to him) – but he is also a bit sad that Auston’s teasing was cut short by the lady’s magical, out-of-thin-air appearance. 

Mitch is a walking contradiction, he knows.

“Are you sniffing the car?” Auston asks suddenly, and Mitch freezes, forgetting all other thoughts about Porsche lady.

He also discreetly removes his nose that may or may not have been pressed close to the leather seat he’s finally occupying. Mitch is not confirming anything.

“Of course not,” he says instead and he would like to find out if Auston is currently laughing at him or not but that would require him actually looking at Auston and – yeah, no, not happening.

Auston’s voice is thick with held back laughter, though. “Does it smell good at least?”

“So freaking good, oh my god,” Mitch says before he could stop himself, and he lets out a little startled laugh.

And Mitch might like the smell of the car but he definitely likes Auston’s responding laugh even more. (He’s hopeless, he knows.)

*

Auston Matthews does not like speeding.

“What do you mean you don’t like speeding? You’re driving a sports car. You’re supposed to be pushing the speed limit every chance you get,” Mitch says.

(Mitch is not promoting dangerous driving here. But you would think that when you’re driving a freaking sports car you’d actually try to at least reach the speed limit, not drive under it by like 10 miles per hour.)

“I don’t like driving fast. I like to be in control,” Auston shrugs.

They’re in a fucking Porsche, outside of city limits, and they’re barely pushing past 60 miles per hour. Mitch wishes he was kidding but no – Auston Matthews apparently drives slower than your grandma.

“That is really wholesome, Matty. But then, and forgive me for asking, why on Earth do you want to buy a sports car?”

“Matty?” 

Mitch doesn’t realize his mistake at first. “You’re Matty, not me.”

Auston is looking at the slowly moving road in front of them. “I know I am. It’s just… no one called me that in ages.”

Shit.

“Actually,” Auston continues, “Hailey used to call me that. It must be genetic or something, you guys, coming up with the same weird nickname no one else uses.”

The lump in Mitch’s throat is suddenly threatening to damage his windpipe and the air in his lung feels heavy and bloated. Even Auston seems to be stuck in his thoughts after he finished his sentence, and for a second, an excruciating second, Mitch thinks he has figured it all out.

“Must be. Also it’s not weird,” Mitch says eventually when he can’t take the silence anymore, and then Auston looks over at him and his smile is normal and he looks normal and he even pushes past 70 miles per hour – and the weird, static moment is gone. 

(It’s still burnt into Mitch’s mind almost like a permanent scar, joining the ever growing list of Mitch being a lying liar.)

Toronto is already in their rearview mirror with all its buildings and gray landscape and the road is wide in front of them, leading them somewhere neither of them knows.

“Hey, do you know what I’m really in the mood for?” Auston asks suddenly as Mitch is still busy trying to quiet down his conscience.

“Reaching the speed limit?” 

Mitch doesn’t even have to look over to know that Auston’s rolling his eyes. “No. I’m craving a Mountain Dew, though.”

“Oh hell to the fucking yes,” Mitch says with a grin that he knows matches the one on Auston’s face.

What Mitch doesn’t say as they keep on driving through the Canadian summer, is that when he closes his eyes, he can see a pile of lukewarm Mountain Dew, their old baseball gloves and Matty’s favorite dirty snapback with the weird logo on it, resting under the unforgiving Arizona sun – he sees them so clearly, he feels like he could touch it if he could reach out just a bit further, just a bit higher. A thousand memories fill up his senses suddenly and he swears he can almost smell the familiar dry air standing still around them.

Remembering all this doesn’t help with the gnawing conscience thing – but if Mitch has to choose between beating himself up for his stupid lies and enjoying Auston’s company, Auston will always win.

He wins now, too, wins fucking everything where Mitch’s concerned.

*

This is how they end up sipping chilled Mountain Dew leaning against the Porsche in the parking lot of a petrol station just outside of Toronto.

“I feel like I’m corrupting you with sugary, terrible soda,” Mitch says when there’s a lull in their conversation. 

There aren’t a lot of those actually – they are somehow always talking, always filling in the gaps without even really trying. Mitch probably shouldn't be suprised, it's always been like that.

“Oh yeah, totally. I’ll get on the ice in September and I won’t even be able to skate anymore and then they’ll be like ‘what happened, goodness gracious’ and I’ll just smile sadly and say ‘Marner’. And they’ll just know.”

“I do have a reputation in the office,” Mitch agrees but he can’t stifle the smile that keeps breaking out on his face. (It has absolutely nothing to do with one Auston Matthews. It’s the Mountain Dew.)

“Actually, I’m pretty sure you have one. Even Kyle knew who you were.”

“Well, I have worked together with Kyle before, you know.”

Okay, maybe working together was more like Mitch was in the same room with Kyle while Mo gave management a big round-down of scouting reports but like, Mitch did say at least one sentence that Kyle listened to. What is that if not working together?

“Oh, he knows you. The other day when we’ve met up with Mo, he was like yeah, Mitchy is a great asset to this team.”

Mitch promptly chokes on his Mountain Dew. “Please tell me Kyle Dubas, the GM of the Toronto Maple Fucking Leafs did not call me Mitchy.”

“Sorry?” Auston offers and he looks amused. Somehow Auston looks amused every fucking time Mitch so much as breathes around him – Mitch does not understand this, he is not _that_ amusing. 

“Sorry for lying or sorry my boss calls me Mitchy like I’m 12 years old?”

“Oh no, he definitely called you that. Morgan, too. But like, you have to give it to them, you do look like a Mitchy.”

“So you’re telling me I look like I’m 12 years old?”

Amusement on Auston’s face is definitely turned up to the max right now. “Don’t sell yourself short. You look at least 13. Even 14 on better days.”

Mitch should probably not hurt the star player of the team he’s working for but smacking Auston on his arm for that comment is for the greater good of humanity.

Auston just laughs at his effort. He probably has like 20 layers of muscles on his arm, Mitch doesn’t think he even felt it.

“Real talk, though, Kyle does think you’re doing something really well. It’s always a good thing when a GM think you’re valuable, you know.”

“I guess you would know about being valuable,” Mitch says absentmindedly, distracted by all the compliments. For a second there, he doesn’t even see Auston freezing up.

Once he sees it, though, it’s painfully obvious.

“You’d be surprised,” Auston says with a guarded smile, and he keeps looking up at the petrol station.

And then Mitch promptly loses his goddamn mind.

“Will you tell me what happened in Nashville one day?” 

And he almost immediately wishes he could take that back because that is decidedly not something you ask a guy you’ve known for about two days even if you seem to have developed a very weird friendship in those 40 something hours. (Even if you’ve actually known him your whole life.)

But Auston doesn’t get angry. He doesn’t even deny it immediately. He barely even reacts apart from looking up into Mitch’s eyes and staring at him for a really long moment – almost like he’s looking for something, a clue or a promise or just something honest, to know that Mitch can be trusted with this.

The Mountain Dew in Mitch’s hand is cool, almost gratefully so, and he grips it tight while he waits for Auston’s answer.

“You know what? I actually think I will,” he says eventually, and Mitch can’t do anything but nod. Auston seems satisfied with his answer at least and he takes a sip of his soda like nothing even happened and Mitch doesn’t push it any further.

They stand there until their Mountain Dew is gone and then try throwing the empty cans into the trash. Auston gets it on the first try – Mitch misses by a good four feet. Auston laughs at him but then he jogs to pick it up and brings it back for Mitch to try again, and this time he does get it.

If Auston can tell him this one day, then maybe Mitch can tell him, too.

*

They get back to the dealership about two hours later and Mitch thinks that the lady will be a little annoyed that they took so long, but apparently if your name is Auston Matthews then people don’t get annoyed at you easily – or ever. 

“How did you find it?” she asks immediately as they get out of the still incredibly nice-smelling leather seats.

Auston shrugs a little. “It was fine, thank you.”

The smile slightly falters from the lady’s face but she stays professional. “Let me know if we can do anything for you.”

“That’s very kind of you,” Auston sends a warm smile her way, a smile that looks practiced but almost honest, and that seems to put the woman in a great mood again. (Maybe even too great of a mood. Mitch’s not jealous, of course.)

When they get back to the Honda, Auston smooths slowly over the steering wheel. 

“I don’t think I want a sports car,” he says, seemingly completely out of the blue, before Mitch could even put his seatbelts on again.

Mitch tries to read his face but Auston is not looking up at him, just keeps staring at his hands on the steering wheel.

“You don’t have to buy a sports car. You know I was just messing with you yesterday, right?”

Auston waves him off. “No, I do know that. But I kind of thought I wanted one?”

And Mitch is genuinely trying to get him but he has absolutely no idea what Auston is trying to say here. “And now you don’t?”

“No, I don’t think I wanted it before either, you know?”

No, Mitch does not know.

“Why did you think you wanted one?” he asks eventually because that seems like a somewhat logical question at least.

“I thought that’s what I was supposed to want?” Auston offers and it doesn’t sound like an explanation but somehow it still is one. Almost obviously so.

(Thinking that you’re supposed to be wanting something is a feeling Mitch knows at least. Intimately.)

He clears his throat and Auston finally looks up from staring at the steering wheel. “So to the Honda dealership?”

Auston stares back at him, confusion written on his face. “Honda dealership?”

“Or I guess we could go somewhere else. Toyota? Mazda? Subaru? I barely know any other cars, Matthews, pick one already, I can’t go on forever.”

“Why would I pick one?”

Auston Matthews can be pretty fucking stupid sometimes. Mitch sighs. “We’re buying you a soccer mom car, Matthews. Keep up with the conversation.”

Auston doesn’t say anything at first, but then he blows out the air he was keeping in and goes to turn the ignition on. He doesn’t say anything while they pull out of the dealership’s parking lot and only opens his mouth when Mitch starts fiddling with the radio. He finds a P!ATD song almost on the first try and he mentally pats himself on his back.

“It’s not going to be a soccer mom car, Marner,” Auston says, and if he sounds a little like he knows he’s lying, Mitch doesn’t call him out on it. Mitch is nice like that.

“Sure, it won’t be, Matty. So Honda, is it?”

Auston sighs. Or fakes a sigh. Mitch doesn’t know at this point, really. “I guess, Marner, I guess.”

And Mitch is grinning widely and Auston is rolling his eyes (this time definitely feigning annoyance) and in front of them, the Canadian summer stretches out lazily and tastes like Mountain Dew – and for a crazy second, Mitch feels like he’s finally home.

*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All I'm saying, guys, is that the Porsche 911 is a beautiful car and no one appreciates it as much as it they should.
> 
> Comments keep the world running! Thank you for the nice words on the last chapter, too - I truly had a really bad week and they cheered me up, so I really do appreciate you guys leaving them!!


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mitch is not saying that spending the better part of his weekend in the company of one Auston Matthews should change his entire world and shake up everything he’s ever known but – it does feel like it should change _something_.

Mitch is checking his emails in the office at 9.17 am, even though it feels like it’s the weirdest thing he’s ever done. The emails feel weird, his usual cold brew feels weird and even his favorite pen feels somehow weird in his hand as he’s going through his checklist for the day.

Mitch is not saying that spending the better part of his weekend in the company of one Auston Matthews should change his entire world and shake up everything he’s ever known but – it does feel like it should change _something_. Anything.

But no, apparently this Monday is just like any other Monday where Mitch wakes up, gets an overpriced, completely self-indulgent coffee from Starbucks on his way to the office and spends the day working. Even Alex’s lateness is the same as every other Monday. 

Mitch puts his pen down and moves his cold-brew to the other side of his desk. It’s not practical at all because now he has to lean over his stack of papers every time he wants to take a sip but Mitch can’t take the stillness – he has to change something, this can’t be just another Monday, not with Auston being back, not with how Mitch’s weekend went.

“Good morning, gang,” Alex exclaims as he casually strolls into their office exactly 20 minutes late. Not that Mitch cares, he’s not a snitch or anything, but he was getting a little bored, so you know, counting down the literal minutes until Alex’s arrival seemed like a fun project.

“Gang? It’s the two of us here, Kerf,” Mitch points out.

Alex waves him off. “It’s our gang, Mitchy. Our very exclusive gang, you should appreciate me inviting you.”

“I’m so honored, Alex,” Mitch deadpans as he moves his cold brew back. It was really unpractical, okay? Mitch gave up – this can be another Monday for all he cares, but his coffee better be within arm’s reach. 

“And how was your weekend, Mitchell?” Alex asks as he turns his computer on. And his laptop. And his second laptop. Analytics is made up of a lot of computers, okay? Every spreadsheet deserves to get its chance to be alone on a screen. “Any fun adventures?”

“It was alright,” Mitch says but he can’t help the uptick of his lips.

Alex stops everything he was doing.

“Oh my god, what did you do?”

“I didn’t do anything.”

“No,” Alex says and he looks like Christmas came early, “you clearly did something. Did you get laid man?”

Mitch does not blush. His face is as pale as it always is, there’s absolutely no redness on his face.

Alex bursts out laughing. Mitch thinks his pride should be hurt here or something but he’s kind of busy coming up with a believable story to really think about that.

“Okay, get it, Mitchy,” Alex says between two fits of laughter, and he honest-to-God starts slapping his thighs while laughing like he’s a 50-something old man who just heard a great a ‘a priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar’ joke.

“Yes, Alex, I did have a nice weekend,” Mitch says with a sigh and hopes that maybe if he doesn’t make a big deal out of his actually not-a-big-deal weekend then Alex will just drop it?

“Tell me all about it. I thought you took like a virginity pledge in high school, man.”

Mitch look back at Alex with wide eyes. “You thought what?”

“Hey, there’s nothing wrong with that, man,” he says quickly and throws his arms up in surrender, “to each their own. But you gotta admit, you never pick up – what else was I supposed to think?”

Mitch is not believing this. Not a word.

“What do you mean what were you supposed to think? Just because I don’t flaunt my love life in everybody’s face like Willy does, that doesn’t mean I never pick up.”

Which is objectively true even though – well, okay, Mitch never actually picks up. But that’s beside the point. If he did, he wouldn’t flaunt it. 

He doesn’t think he would?

Alex doesn’t look convinced either, just keeps looking at Mitch like he knows just as well that Mitch is bullshitting.

“It’s none of your business anyway, you know,” Mitch adds and he knows he’s just admitted defeat but he does feel defeated, so it’s only fitting.

Alex is still looking at him over his laptop but now he looks more curious than amused. “I know it’s none of my business. You’re a private guy, we all know.”

Mitch nods. It’s all good then. He can be a private guy. He even has Alex’s approval now.

Except Alex is apparently not done talking.

“I just…” he starts but he doesn’t finish his sentence. 

It’s so unlike Alex that Mitch looks up at him almost immediately as he falls silent.

“Yeah?”

“You do know I’m not, like, weirded out by gay stuff, right? I mean, you never came out and, wait, you don’t have to, of course, just… The way you and Willy sometimes talk, I kind of just… My point is that you know you can tell me about your love life, right? You don’t have to. But you can? I’m not going to be gross about it or anything.”

Alex, always so composed and so sure of himself Alex, is rambling away in front of Mitch and Mitch is probably even more shaken up by that than his words. His words are also shaking Mitch to his core, sure, that’s a given, but the way he seems so uncertain, almost insecure looking at Mitch just – it just makes something uneasy in Mitch.

Or no, maybe uneasy is not the right word. It’s not a bad feeling per say, it’s just a sort of change you didn’t expect but now it’s here and happening and you’re not prepared for it? Mitch has never thought that Alex would be a homophobic asshole or something (Kerf and Willy are tight and Willy is loudly bi, so that was never really an option) but he also didn’t expect to come into the office and have all this thrown at him?

Mitch is shaken up, that’s all he knows, okay?

“I… thank you?” he says eventually. Alex has clearly finished talking and now he’s looking at Mitch like he’s waiting for some sort of reassurance that they’re okay, that Mitch got what he was trying to say. “That’s like… I appreciate it, man?”

And Mitch also wants to tell Alex that he really does appreciate it, and he wants to tell him that he’s a good person and that Mitch trusts him. He wants to tell him the truth and reassure Alex that keeping this a secret has never been about Mitch not trusting him but Mitch not wanting this to change things between them. That he wants to come into the office and tell them about his pick-ups but they don’t exist and even if they did Mitch wouldn’t even know how to tell them about them. 

Because Mitch never gets to just go out to a bar and say a cheesy pick-up line and bring someone up to his place like half an hour later – with no string attached, no feelings involved. Because when you’re trans, picking up is not picking up random strangers, not when you have to come out to them, have to wait for their reaction, have to get their fucking approval that you’re still worthy of this even though you might be missing a couple extra parts (or having some excess in other cases). And then it’s not the same easy fun that Alex described literally last week over their coffee break, with a wide smile and gleaming eyes. That’s it’s not the same.

Mitch wants to tell him that he does want to tell him everything because he’s the closest thing he has to a friend here. But he’s made a city already uninhabitable for himself after he came out and he doesn’t want to do the same thing to Toronto. Mitch likes Toronto. Mitch would like to keep one damn city for himself.

So Mitch tells Alex nothing. 

Alex looks disappointed but he doesn’t say anything. They work in silence for the rest of the morning.

*

But apparently Mitch really should have come up with some sort of a cover story because the whole ‘Auston Matthews aka my ex-best friend who doesn’t know I used to be his best friend came back to town and we had a great weekend together driving a Porsche’ story is not really a viable option to share with people. People would probably have a couple follow up questions after hearing that, right?

And yes, by people, Mitch means specifically William Nylander.

“Okay, why are you in a good mood?” Willy asks literally the second they settle down for lunch. They got some sandwiches from the deli nearby and summer is still aggressively pretty and hot around them, so they decided to have an impromptu picnic in the little park. Mitch is waiting for it all to fall apart because they never have this many sunny days in a row in Toronto. 

“Why can’t I be in a good mood just because? I’m always in a good mood.”

And like, okay, maybe not completely true because even Zach snorts at his words. (The traitor.)

He sighs. A big dramatic sigh because that’s the least he deserves with these three.

“Okay,” Mitch says eventually and there must be something in his voice because Alex, Zach and Willy look immediately at him. Even their ears look like they’re turning towards Mitch, too, but maybe Mitch is truly starting to lose his mind here. “An old friend of mine came to town. Moved to town, actually, and we spent the weekend together.”

Mitch is, of course, not playing the pronoun game here.

“Oh,” Willy perks up. “A gentleman friend?”

Okay, Mitch is actually not playing the pronoun game.

“It’s a he, if that’s what you’re asking, William,” Mitch says and his raised eyebrow is met with a shrug from Mr. William ‘I was just casually asking’ Nylander. (He wasn’t, Mitch knows him.)

“So what did you guys do?” Alex asks, and he looks so visibly supportive it almost throws Mitch off a little. 

“He wanted to buy a car, we went to a couple of dealerships?” Mitch offers and takes a bite of his sandwich. It’s filled with arugula and grilled cheese and this amazing sauce that the deli makes and it’s the best thing Mitch has tasted in a while. (Okay, maybe he’s had the exact same sandwich a week ago, too, but a week is a long time to go without grilled cheese.)

“Oh, is he loaded? Did you guys try out some nice wheels?” Alex asks.

Oh yeah, he’s literally earning 11 million bucks a year, haha, what a coincidence right.

“Yeah, his job pays a good amount. But he got a Honda, so you know… money can’t buy taste I guess,” Mitch adds with a lopsided grin, and Zach rolls his eyes. Noted good guy Zachary.

“Great friend, you are,” Willy adds, and his tone is playful and not serious at all, but Mitch’s heart skips a beat. “Don’t diss a Honda. It’s reliable.”

“Whatever. He could have bought something way nicer.”

“So is he…” Wily starts suddenly but stops when Zach elbows him in his ribs in the most unsubtle way ever.

Mitch has brought this on himself.

“Is he what, Willy?” he asks even though, he knows the answer. Or at least, he can guess the answer and he’s pretty sure he’d get in on the first try.

“Nothing,” Willy says quickly but he’s very visibly having a non-verbal conversation with Zach and Mitch wants to laugh at them because they clearly think they’re being sneaky but… they’re so not.

“You can ask, you know,” Mitch says.

And the thing is, deep down, Mitchy thinks he would honestly prefer if they actually did just ask. Because sometimes it helps when people just outright ask things. And Mitch knows that this kind of goes against everything people are taught about people who are different, to not ask, to not point out differences – and sure, that’s usually a great thing. But sometimes Mitch doesn’t know how to bring things up and he wishes people would just… help him out there? He doesn’t want to announce things but maybe he could tell people if only they asked?

Ah, never mind, Mitch himself doesn’t know what he fucking wants.

“Do you like him?” Willy asks and the question sounds so like they’re 14 and gossiping about boys that it makes Mitch smile.

Willy, Zach and Alex definitely don’t know what it feels like to be 14 and gossip about boys. Mitch does, even though, sometimes he wishes he could pretend he doesn’t. (He is kind of already pretending that, doesn’t he?)

“I do,” Mitch says suddenly without even really thinking about it.

Even though, his heart is rattling against his ribcage like it wants to escape, he still smiles at the visible interest on the guys’ face. They’re so obvious.

(Mitch kind of loves them for it.)

“Like… you like him as you want to get on his dick, right?” Willy asks, his previous uncertainty long gone.

Zach groans. Alex looks like he wants to groan. Mitch does not choke on his sandwich but only because he’d managed to swallow the last bite a second before Willy opened his big mouth.

“He’s a nice guy,” Mitch says eventually.

“Yeah but is he…”

“And what did you do over the weekend, Willy?” Mitch asks before Willy could go on with his question.

Willy closes his mouth looking painfully similar to a dumb fish that possesses less than two braincells. Mitch doesn’t say that aloud because Mitch is not an asshole.

“My brother came into town with his new girlfriend and like, I don’t want to seem rude, but she is so not nice? Like, the most annoying person you’ve ever met kind of not nice?”

And so Willy tells them about his weekend, and pulls up said girl’s Instagram that is filled with motivational quotes, and then Alex makes fun of her for being ‘so goddamn original’ which makes Zach make fun of Alex ‘for being so insecure that he feels the need to shoot other people down’ which ends up with the two of them fighting about internalized misogyny because both of them went to Harvard and apparently took the same course on it and now they have opinions (Mitch would like to put the trademark sign after saying opinions because they sound like those kind of opinions, you know _exactly_ which one) and Willy and Mitch only listen to their fight when they get too loud but mostly occupy themselves with folding these cute little Christmas designs out of the unused napkins even though it’s freaking July.

It’s a good lunch break. It’s everything Mitch wants out of a lunch break, everything he wants out of a Monday, everything he’s wanted out of Toronto when he moved here.

Mitch trusts these guys – trusts them almost as much as he trusts his family, almost as much as he used to trust his childhood friends back when they were tiny and thought that the worst thing that could ever happen to them was losing their Xbox privileges when they didn’t do their homework on time or got home too late from playing baseball.

But trust was never the main thing that stopped Mitch from telling them, from coming out to them. Trust was part of it sure, but it was never the part that Mitch was missing.

He’s not even sure whether he can name this other thing he needs – he doesn’t even know if this _thing_ even has a name. Maybe it’s knowing that they are not going to make a big deal out of it? That they’re not going to treat him differently or look at him differently? Mitch doesn’t know. All he knows is that when he came out in Arizona, something went wrong, really, really wrong, and now he… he just doesn’t know what he’s supposed to be doing differently. And it scares him.

(There’s one more thing Mitch doesn’t know, not right now at least. Because whatever this missing part is, it doesn’t develop overnight. It’s not something you get from hearing one supportive sentence or seeing a supportive action. It’s something that’s built up of so many little things, so many sunshine-filled lunch breaks, and silent coffee breaks, and unsubtle elbowings, so many tiny reassurances and unsaid I like you’s and I like that fact that you’re part of my life’s.

It’s built up of moments like this and maybe Mitch doesn’t know, but it’s here and it’s building already – and Mitch can run from the bad things all he wants, but he should also learn that the good things are chasing him, too.)

*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Am I using this fic to talk about my inability to come out to people? Of course not. What a thought.
> 
> In other news: I thought I had a very clear idea of where I wanted to go with this fic but it kind of... took off on its own now? I'm blaming the fact that I started listening to Call Me Karizma while writing. Go and listen to Call me Karizma, folks, it's so _good_.
> 
> Comments are literally the nicest parts of my day (not the only nice parts, don't worry, after last week's shitshow, I'm feeling totally peachy now) - but like, leave some comments for extra peachiness. If you want, of course. No pressure.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What Mitch doesn’t get is why Auston Matthews is so freaking adamant on Mitch being that friend.

Mitch knows that Auston Matthews is new in town, knows almost no one in Toronto and – totally understandably – wants to make some friends. That is completely logical and expected and all that.

What Mitch doesn’t get is why Auston Matthews is so freaking adamant on Mitch being that friend.

Okay, so the whole ‘they used to be best friends so obviously they get along very easily’ argument could be used here, and sure, that’s valid, but also who the hell is friends with the same people at 24 that they used to be friends with at 4? That’s twenty whole years of non-stop change where most people go from being total assholes to being totally nice and decent human beings. Or vice versa. Or… okay, that’s totally not the case with Auston: Auston was a nice human being when they were toddlers and Auston is still a nice human being today. 

Whatever, the point Mitch is trying to make is that just because they used to be friends, they don’t have to be friends again. But Auston apparently did not get the memo (he also did not get the memo about them being ex-best friends so whoever this memo courier is, they’re doing a bad job) – and now he’s here and he’s making all these friendly things that Mitch does not get.

And by friendly things Mitch means that Auston has literally begged Mitch to come over and help with his unboxing nightmare and would not take no for a freaking answer. Like Mitch is not some random stats guy he’s met a week ago. Like they’re friends.

So here is Mitch, heading over to Auston’s new and shiny place just a week after Auston Matthews has barged back into his life with no warning (okay, the trade announcement was kind of a warning), and he still has absolutely no idea what he’s supposed to be doing about this whole thing.

Because… well, it’s complicated, okay? Because no matter how much Mitch wants to pretend that everything is A-okay and Auston being back in his life is a thing that should be celebrated and not fretted, it’s just not how things are – it’s not. And the more he talks to Auston, the more Auston treats him as a friend and not a random Leafs employee, the more Mitch’s guilt is eating him up from the inside.

And like, the answer is still quite obvious, right? Mitch knows it’s obvious. He should just tell Auston. He knows he can still do that – that he can always do that. Apologizing, coming clean, dealing with the aftermath of his lies, it’s something he can do, something he knows he should do.

He should, he knows, it’s obvious, he must, he has to.

It doesn’t really matter how you put it – not until you actually do it, Mitchell.

*

Auston’s place looks exactly like Mitch thought it would. 

Which is not a diss but it’s also not a compliment, if Mitch is being honest. It’s big and full of light and decorated with a minimalist taste that Mitch is appreciative of – full of blacks and whites and pastel greens and open spaces – but it still has a slight air of pretentiousness to it, a tinge of money-showing over practicality and personality.

It’s also covered in boxes: boxes in the kitchen, boxes in the living room, boxes in all three bedrooms (because Auston clearly needs three bedrooms), random boxes in the bathroom, too. And in the middle of it all, there’s Auston, opening his door to Mitch. He’s barefoot and he’s wearing grey sweats and an old-looking, washed-out University of Arizona T-shirt (which is weird because Auston has never even been to U of A as far as Mitch knows).

He looks so open and domestic and loving that Mitch feels lightheaded for a second – lightheaded that he gets to see this, gets to watch Auston this unguarded and personal.

“My hero,” Auston says and moves to let Mitch in and his grin is as wide as always as he takes him around the apartment.

“I feel like you’re making a bigger deal out of this whole moving in than you should,” Mitch says with a slight raise of his eyebrow as Auston starts showing him the kitchen.

“Have you ever had to move across the continent on like two days’ notice?” 

And Mitch would totally answer that but Mitch is also currently busy falling in love with Auston’s ridiculously huge kitchen island.

“Oh my god, your kitchen is fucking huge,” Mitch says, and only realizes that he completely ignored Auston’s question when Auston starts laughing.

Which is, okay, fair, but also, Auston’s kitchen is something Mitch would happily die for. Not like permanently but drinking that potion from Romeo and Juliet? Mitch could definitely do that to get this kitchen. It would be a totally fair trade-off.

“I know, right?” Auston asks and he probably gives up on ever getting an answer to his original question when he spots Mitch literally starting to rummage through every single cabinet in the kitchen like the rude person he is. “It was actually my priority when I asked the realtor here.”

Mitch stops his kitchen quest and looks up in surprise. “You like cooking that much?”

Auston is leaning against the doorframe that connects the living room to the kitchen, and there’s the oh-so familiar smile playing on his lips. “I do.”

Mitch still doesn’t continue his previous rummaging because Auston clearly looks like someone who’s currently withholding a quite pertinent piece of information from the conversation. “And are you any good?”

One day Mitch will find a word other than amused to describe Auston’s smile but today is not going to be that day. Because it is so fucking amused – everything from how he holds himself and how the left side of his lips is just curled slightly higher up than the right and how his eyes literally twinkle with holding a laugh back… everything screams that he’s utterly enjoying himself at the expense of Mitch.

Mitch feels like he should be more offended than he is.

“I am not bad,” Auston says eventually.

“You know that saying you’re not bad at cooking is basically saying you would be working in a Michelin star restaurant if you weren’t playing hockey, right?” Mitch says and he emphasizes his point by waving around a green rubber spatula he’s found in one of the drawers.

The fact that apparently the kitchen is the only place Auston has started to unpack starts to make a lot more sense.

“I… what? So what am I supposed to say when I am, you know, not actually bad at cooking?”

“That you’re bad at cooking. Duh. Have you ever heard of humility?”

“Humility doesn’t mean you got to downplay your strengths, Marner,” Auston says with a raised eyebrow. He has very expressive eyebrows, Mitch is jealous.

“But is cooking really your strength? Like, _really_ really your strength?”

Auston doesn’t answer for a while, just stares at Mitch with narrowed eyes. “Marner,” he says eventually and it sounds almost ominous coming from him.

“Yes?”

“Is this your ploy to get me to say that I’m really good at cooking so that you can say prove me and then make me cook for you?”

Mitch is appalled that Auston could even suggest something like that.

“You hurt me, Matty. Just how evil do you think I am?”

Auston sighs. “I guess I can cook for you. Do you like steak? I do a really good steak. I can make some for lunch.”

Mitch puts the rubber spatula back to the drawer and turns to lean on the kitchen island to look at Auston, his smile completely innocent. “I wouldn’t say no to a steak.”

They’re back in the living room, already opening some boxes full of random books and trophies when Mitch finally gives up.

He doesn’t think the smile on his face is evil. Maybe just a little bit. “You do realize that I didn’t even have to ask you to cook for me, right?”

Auston doesn’t say anything, just tears the tape off another box a little more aggressively.

“It’s okay to admit defeat, Matty. It’s okay to admit I’m just too smart for you,” Mitch adds and okay, now he’s definitely sporting a shit-eating grin.

But when Auston looks up at him, he doesn’t look annoyed or amused. He looks thoughtful and like he’s actually thinking about his words rather than throwing a random chirp back.

“You’re way smarter than me, Marner. But you’re not always as smart as you think you are,” he says eventually.

It’s not a diss. It’s not a chirp. It’s not a compliment. Mitch doesn’t know what it is but it throws him off so much, he has absolutely no come-back. He just keeps staring at Auston as he pulls out a whole stack of baseball memorabilia from one of the boxes. Auston seems okay, though, seems unchanged. He doesn’t seem like someone who just said something that hit Mitch somewhere deep in his stomach on purpose.

“I guess you’re right,” Mitch says eventually because he knows he has to say something. And because Auston is right, he has to give him that. Mitch likes to believe he’s smart because he is, most of the time. But what he’s doing here, right now and here with Auston, is the farthest thing away from being smart – and he’ll be the first to admit that. (To himself, not to anyone else. Obviously.)

“Okay, am I going to get chirped to hell if I put all my baseball stuff in the living room? Is this something I’m supposed to be hiding?” Auston asks, completely ignoring Mitch’s words as he examines one of his signed baseballs like he’s searching for scratches on it.

“Own your fanboy heart, Matthews. Own it,” Mitch says, even though he’s not even sure what he’s reacting to. He’s on autopilot, Auston’s previous comment still swirling around his head.

Auston nods and when he puts the ball in the middle of the empty shelf, he looks proud.

Mitch doesn’t understand Auston Matthews and it’s a feeling he’s not familiar with.

*

Auston Matthews makes a mean steak. It’s well-done because Mitch made his distaste for bloody meat very clear the moment Auston asked him what he preferred, and Mitch doesn’t know what spices Auston used but it’s full of flavor and full of something Mitch can’t really articulate but appreciates nonetheless.

It’s good meat, okay?

Also when Auston said he wasn’t bad at cooking, he definitely did mean that he was a phenomenal chef, and Mitch wants to feel vindicated. He’ll feel vindicated once the food coma passes, he absolutely will.

They’re totally deserving of the steaks, too, because they have unboxed at least half of Matty’s stuff, and as the carton boxes start emptying around them, the place becomes something that Mitch actually, honest-to-God, rather likes. It’s still quite minimalist, nothing overwhelming or crowded but it’s definitely Auston’s place: from the truly ridiculous amount of baseball knickknacks (isn’t he supposed to be a hockey player or something?), to a bunch of framed pictures of Auston with his mom and his sisters and his teammates from all over the country and the globe, it’s an ode to who Auston is – so really, how could Mitch not love that?

You’re getting sloppy with repressing your emotions, Mitchell.

“I ate too much,” Mitch exclaims as, packing long forgotten, he throws himself across one of Auston’s big couches. It’s black like all the other furniture in every single room in the apartment, but it’s also literally the comfiest thing Mitch has ever laid his body on, so he’s not complaining. “It’s your fault, Matty.”

Auston snorts as he sprawls out on the other couch. He’s trying to reach his glass of water but it’s just out of his reach, and for a couple seconds, Mitch entertains himself with watching him struggle.

Auston gives up. The moment he retreats his searching arm Mitch leans over and pushes the glass closer to him. The glare he gets in return is truly amazing.

“You could have stopped eating anytime you wanted. It’s not my fault you have no self-control,” he adds after he finally takes a sip. One sip for all that struggle, Matthews.

“Nah. The steak was too good, I had to. So it’s your fault,” Mitch says.

“Feel free to never eat my food again, then,” Auston says and oh, that’s not what Mitch wants.

“Let’s not get too hasty here, Matty. I can give you another chance, I guess,” Mitch says and Auston rolls his eyes. 

No one rolls their eyes in real life as much as Auston Matthews does. Mitch finds it ridiculously adorable and then he promptly pushes the feeling deep down. No, Mitchell, we’ve talked about this.

“Can I ask you a question?” Mitch asks suddenly because he remembers a thought he had while unpacking one of the boxes full of hockey gear.

Auston completely freezes up. Like full body, totally startled, dear in the headlight, the whole shebang kind of freezing up, that he couldn’t hide even if he wanted to.

“Oh my god, it’s nothing bad,” Mitch adds immediately when he sees his reaction. “I just wanted to know why you came up to Toronto so early. Training camp is still ages away and it’s not like you really needed to be here right after the trade.”

And Mitch genuinely wants to know the answer to his question but now he can only really think about all the other stuff that made Auston freeze up that bad. What kind of secrets does Matty have that he’s so scared to tell? What is he hiding?

(Mitch is currently not seeing the irony in that because he’s an idiot. The irony is there, though. Big time.)

“Oh,” Auston says, and he visibly relaxes. Mitch is still itching to ask something else, but he doesn’t. “I guess I wanted to settle things first, to not have to deal with everything right before training camp?I’ll still go home for a week or two once everything is done here, but coming in before camp to an empty apartment and not knowing anyone… I don’t know, I kind of really wanted to avoid that. It just adds to the stress of changing teams, of… trying to impress people again,” he says, and his voice doesn’t betray his emotions, not really, but there’s something on his face and the way he’s not looking at Mitch that makes Mitch a little sad. 

It feels like a sort of resignation, a sort of apathy – like Auston has accepted that changing teams is already going to suck and now he’s just dealing with everything as much as he possibly can.

Or maybe Mitch is just putting words into his mouth. He doesn’t know Auston that well, not like he used to and he can try to psychoanalyze him all he wants but at the end of the day, he has to admit that Auston has changed and he’s grown up without Mitch being there. And that is a difference Mitch can’t ignore. A difference he shouldn’t ignore.

“You’re going to like Toronto. Honestly,” Mitch says because no matter what he thinks, he stills wants to get that sadness out of Auston’s voice, would probably do a lot of things to get rid of that forever. “The guys are a good bunch, and yeah, the team has sucked for a couple years but Kyle is really serious about the rebuild – and he’s actually listening to what we say and what the scouts say and what literally every person around him says and… well, you’re here now,” Mitch finishes lamely. 

Auston pokes him with his leg. “And I’ll turn this team around?” he asks and he’s clearly joking.

But Mitch is looking at him, and he still remembers the sadness and resignation in his voice. And he doesn’t want Auston to ever feel like that, doesn’t want him to ever doubt just how amazing he is.   
Because he is – and it just breaks Mitch’s heart that he doesn’t see that.

“I know you will. If you can’t, then there’s no one who can,” he says, and when Auston looks back at him, surprised and almost startled, Mitch doesn’t look away.

He never ever wants to look away.

*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, everyone! This is definitely not my favourite chapter (it's way too vague and filler chapter-y for my liking) but I'm hoping that some of you will find some entertainment or peace or joy or just something nice in it during these truly tumultuous times. 
> 
> Take care, lift others up and don't forget to treat yourself to some non-sense hockey romance. xx


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Apparently life speeds up when Auston Matthews is involved.

Mitch’s mom used to adore Auston.

Which is the most understandable feeling ever because who doesn’t love him? Who doesn’t adore him with all their heart? But Bonnie did really love him, treated him like he was part of the family – and considering the amount of time Auston used to spend hanging out in their backyard, he really was one of them. She used to always ask about him when he and Mitch grew apart and she was upset, too, when he moved away. Bonnie and Auston were solid.

Which made it all the weirder when Mitch realized that Chris didn’t like Auston. Chris is four years older than they are, currently living a successful life of a successful adult, and Mitch has a great and easy relationship with him now, but back when they were kids he was definitely a hero in Mitch’s eyes – someone he looked up to, someone big and brave and strong. Someone who was just so freaking cool.

Mitch remembers begging Chris to come hang out with them all the time but Chris usually declined. And for a long time Mitch didn’t get it, no matter how many times his mom told him that Chris was busy with his own friends and school and his practices. Mitch wanted Chris to be there too, to come with them on all their adventures and Chris just said no, all the fucking time, like it didn’t even matter to him.

Mitch was 11 and Chris was 15 when Chris told him why he didn’t like Auston – why he didn’t want to hang out with them. Or maybe he didn’t tell him outright but… it became pretty obvious pretty quickly.

Chris was fighting with their parents about his curfew (Mitch remembers it like it happened yesterday, burnt into his mind as a scar that never disappears) and all three of them were shouting, voices rising and rising and rising, and Mitch was standing there, wishing for them to just freaking stop. So he asked them to: asked them to please stop shouting, his voice fragile and high-pitched.

And then Chris told him to go, to leave and hang out with his weird gay best friend, with that… Mitch can’t repeat it no, not even now, but he said another word, too, full of vitriol and anger.

Mitch didn’t know what the second word meant but he knew what gay was. He’s heard it thrown around in school as a joke, as something funny, and he even knew the actual meaning, too, because his parents told him while they were watching an old movie that Mitch doesn’t ever remember, explained him that sometimes men fell in love with men and women fell in love with women but that they loved each other just as much as Mommy and Daddy did.

When Chris said that word, though, their parents did shut up, and Mitch was almost happy for the quiet. But it didn’t last long, neither the quiet nor the happiness, because their parents seemed even more upset now, disappointment written all over their face.

Chris didn’t get a new curfew. He was told to sit down and to listen closely and to never ever repeat those words again because if they did catch him saying stuff like that, God forbid something worse, he would be grounded until graduation. They told him that they did not raise their son to hate people who are different and that people are allowed to love who they want without being judged and that gay was not a word that he was ever allowed to use as something negative, as something to be ashamed of, and never ever as a slur.

And Chris was angry and upset and he stormed up to his room without saying another word. And it was quiet after that again, almost too quiet, even with Mitch and his parents still in the living room. 

Then Mitch asked them if it was true about Auston. And if this was the reason Chris never wanted to hang out with them. Mitch still remembers the look his parents exchanged, a moment of uncertainty flashing over their faces. And what he remembers the most was his mom’s answer.

“We don’t know. But it’s something that Auston will tell you if it’s time.”

And his dad’s question.

“Would that make a difference?”

And Mitch said okay, I’ll wait and no, it wouldn’t. And then his parents smiled and told him to go on and spend the afternoon with Auston.

So Mitch spent an afternoon with Auston and Auston never came out to him and when Mitch came out to his family, Chris immediately started crying and apologized and told him that they were brothers, he hopes Mitch always knows that, never ever forgets that.

Today Mitch’s relationship with Chris is far from complicated. They’re not super close, but they have an easy, familiar understanding, and they know they always have each other’s backs no matter how stupid they used to be when they were kids.

Right now, though, it would make Mitch feel a little better if they actually did have a complicated relationship where they barely ever talk. That way he’d at least have something to blame, could blame it on Chris or the distance or something, but no: this whole thing is completely Mitch’s fault. There’s no questions about this – it’s undoubtable. 

And the worst thing of all? He knew this would happen. He knew and he did fucking nothing. 

*

Apparently life speeds up when Auston Matthews is involved. Or maybe everything speeds up when Auston Matthews is involved: life, Mitch’s heartrate, Toronto gossip, everything – unless, of course, we’re talking about cars that Mitch doesn’t let Auston drive anymore because no, Matty, I literally do not care that it’s your car, I want to get to Starbucks before I turn 45 years old.

But suddenly it’s the end of August, and training camp is approaching and Auston is getting back from visiting his family in California tomorrow morning, and Mitch already has plans with him for brunch chez Matthews because Auston does not eat French toast a lot, but he still makes the best damn one Mitch’s ever tasted.

Because apparently they’re also friends now. Like, actual _friends_ friends? Closing in on best friend territory? Friends who talk every fucking day and hang out at each other’s place and drag the other person around whenever they need to do boringass errands they don’t want to do alone?

(Mitch doesn’t care what fancy coffee Auston attempts to bribe him with, he’s never ever going back to the bank with him.)

And Mitch, cross his heart and hope to die, actually tried to keep his distance from Auston – to keep him from whatever trainwreck Mitch’s life is currently heading towards and to keep him from all the lies Mitch is accumulating around them. But when Auston Matthews wants something, then Mitch is just… He says no and then he sees that Auston is sad and then his knees go weak and then he does exactly what Auston wanted in the first place.

It makes Auston sound like he is manipulating him or something, but it’s really not the case. Mitch just really doesn’t like to see Auston sad and to know that he, himself, is the cause for Auston’s sadness? Hell no, Mitch is not doing that. Mitch is doing everything he can to avoid that.

So Mitch gave up fighting and just let Auston do whatever friendly thing he wanted to do. (Not like that was so hard for Mitch. Mitch is pretty sure that he is brainwashed into thinking that Auston is hardwired to be his best friend. Growing up with someone side-by-side does seem to have that effect.)

So it’s August, almost September, Auston is almost officially back in town and back in Mitch’s life and Mitch is totally appreciating and loving that with all his being, but right now, he’s still in the office and he is inundated with work. Swarmed. Overwhelmed. A bunch of other fancy words he could look up in Thesaurus if he was not, you know, inundated-swarmed-overwhelmed. 

And no matter how much work is still towering around him (literally towering because he has just printed out a 200-page long document which, he knows, he’s killing the Earth and he genuinely does feel guilty but he needed it and he’s totally recycling it later), he’s also really enjoying himself. This makes him sound like a workaholic which he’s very definitely not but pre-season reports are something he loves doing. It’s full of research and new possibilities and the perfect place for him to put together something that, when it is later proved to be correct, will give him immense satisfaction and the right to shout ‘I told you so’ in Alex’s ear. 

Which is not a thing he would ever do but, you know, he’d have the right. That’s always nice.

“Mitchell, I’m dying,” Alex groans from across the room and when Mitch looks over at him, he is slumped over his desk and looks like someone who’s actually on the verge of death. There are three empty cups of coffee scattered around him and a half-eaten bagel from Tim Hortons.

“We’re almost done, Kerf,” Mitch says as he stares hard at his spreadsheet. Then his other spreadsheet. Then the Python running on his other computer. Then his third spreadsheet. 

He’s also totally paying attention to Alex, sure thing.

“You know I promised my girlfriend that I would try to make it home on time tonight?” Alex asks but his voice is still muffled as he’s half-lying on the desk. “She was like ‘Alex, can you get home before 7 pm just once this week? You’re never home, Alex. We never spend time together anymore.’”

“How dare she want to spend time with you, right?” Mitch asks mockingly as he scours through his pile of pens to find the pastel yellow highlighter he loves so much. 

“Haha, you know that’s not what I said. But like… why doesn’t she get that this sucks for me just as much as it sucks for her? I’d be home by like 4 pm if I could but that’s not how pre-season works. That’s not how life works.”

Mitch actually looks up from his spreadsheet to stare at Alex. “And did you tell her this?”

“Well, I think I did.”

“So you didn’t tell her this with your actual words? You didn’t walk up to her and say look, ‘I love you and I want to spend every waking moment with you but in order to provide for our family, I must work as hard as I can right now’?”

Alex snorts. “No, I did not tell her that. Because we’ve been dating for like a year and that’s very definitely not how things are. Providing for our family, what the hell, Mitch?”

“You see, Alex? If only you used your words. I can try helping you but you have to make that final step on your own,” Mitch says faux-seriously and at that Alex finally starts laughing so much that he lifts his face from his desk.

“You’re literally the worst at giving advice, you know that, right?”

Mitch shrugs. Not like he had any practice. “Anyways, talking about love advice, what happened with hometown boy?” Alex asks. As much as he seemed to want to go home one second ago, he looks quite happy to stay behind to gossip.

Mitch doesn’t know what his face does but it’s probably something very expressive because Alex immediately starts to wolfwhistle. Mitch does not blush.

“So things are going well?” 

Mitch shrugs again but he can’t stifle the smile breaking out on his face. “We’re friends.”

“Friends,” Alex repeats. 

“Like people who hang out occasionally and enjoy each other’s company? Not like you would know, I guess.”

“That’s like the lamest come-back ever, Mitch, you’re better than this,” Alex says but he smiles at Mitch even after he’s done talking.

Mitch is able to put up with that mysterious smile for about three seconds. “What now? Why are you smiling like that?”

“I’m happy for you, man,” Alex says simply. “You’re all grown up now.”

“Alex, you’re literally a month younger than me.”

“They grow up so quickly, my children.”

“Alexander.”

“Like one moment they’re babies and they can barely find the printer in the office and then the next moment they’re breaking all the hearts in Toronto?”

“I’m going to call your girlfriend and tell her that you’re late because you kept pestering me.”

“How ungrateful. I gave you everything a parent could and this is the thanks I get?”

Mitch throws his favorite highlighter at Alex’s face. Sacrifices have to be made sometimes.

*

Mitch doesn’t have a weekly FaceTime call with Chris like he has with his mom but they do talk fairly often. Except for maybe the last month because Chris has decided to go camping with his buddies for like three weeks with non-existent cell reception. Mitch wanted to make fun of them for needing a digital detox but Chris was literally like ‘yeah, Mitchy, we actually do need a digital detox and we want to enjoy each other’s company without distractions’. How rude of him to be so open and honest with Mitch.

But now apparently he’s back to civilization because the moment Mitch lets himself into his apartment after finally finishing up today’s workload, his phone starts buzzing with an incoming call from Chris.

“Dear brother of mine,” Mitch says as Chris’ tired eyes appear on his screen. Mitch still has his bag in one hand and his phone in the other so he kicks his door shut with his foot.

Chris startles at the sound. “You just got home or you kicked someone out to talk to me?”

“Haha,” Mitch says with a straight face. “You know some of us do actually have jobs that we can’t just leave whenever we want to escape to the jungle.”

“You’ve been up north for far too long if you remember Arizona as the jungle, Mitchy,” Chris answers with a laugh and Mitch smiles as he kicks off his shoes and collapses on the couch with his phone held above his face.

“How was your trip? Any near-death experiences?”

“Just the usual. I gave up on some of these guys ever growing up, no matter how old they get.”

And yeah, Mitch remembers Chris’s old friends from college. They’re genuinely nice human beings but when they’re together they seem allergic to making responsible choices.

But apparently Chris did have a nice trip and even though, he still seems a little tired, it’s the tiredness of a long journey, not the burned-out kind of lethargy that made him go on the trip in the first place, so Mitch’s glad. He has some funny stories, too, and tells Mitch all about them while Mitch puts a frozen pizza in the oven and grates some extra cheese on top.

“But anyways, tell me how you’re doing, man. I keep hogging the spotlight, here,” Chris asks.

“I’m tired, work’s been crazy lately,” Mitch shrugs as he sets a timer for his pizza.

“You like it when work’s a bit crazy, though,” Chris points out.

Chris knows him too well. “I do,” Mitch admits and Chris shakes his head with a fond smile.

“Junkie. And – how’s Auston doing?”

And the thing is he asks him casually, almost exactly how Mitch asked after his friends. But it’s not only Chris who knows Mitch too well – it goes both ways.

“Did you talk to mom?” Mitch sighs.

Chris looks a little guilty. “I did, just a little. She said not to bother you about him, though.”

“Which you ignored, I guess,” Mitch says, and he knows he sounds a little bitchy but – he gets defensive about this, how could he not?

“Well, yeah, but… Mitchy, I don’t know what’s going on with the two of you but if Auston’s being an asshole about this… I know you guys were tight but you don’t have to let him get away with being an asshole.”

The silence is almost deafening between them.

“He’s not an asshole about it. What did mom even tell you?” 

Chris looks confused. “That he’s back in town and you guys talked and you’re stressed out about it. Or weird or something.”

Shit.

“It’s not what you think it is, Chris,” Mitch starts, but it’s lame and weak and he doesn’t even know what he wants to say here.

“Mitchy, I know he used to be your best friend, I get that. But don’t make excuses for him. He should be by your side in this not making this fucking harder,” Chris says and now he sounds angry too.

“No, Chris, it’s…”

“Mitch, he’s…”

“He doesn’t know, okay?” Mitch says, bursting out so loud, Chris immediately closes his mouth and stops talking. “He doesn’t. Because I didn’t tell him. And he thought I was my own cousin and I lied to him that I was and now… He doesn’t know what happened. He doesn’t who I used to be, Chris.”

And Mitch sees the disbelief on Chris’s face, sees the disappointment after hearing Mitch’s words and Mitch wants to make it better but… how?

“Mitchy,” Chris starts but his voice is too soft, too gentle, like he has to console Mitch and not shout at him for being an idiot.

“No, Chris, I know what I did was stupid. I was an idiot. I shouldn’t have lied about this. Fuck,” Mitch says and he runs an anxious hand through his hair. He just got a haircut yesterday and it’s buzzed short and it would feel like the nicest thing ever but Mitch can’t concentrate on that right now.

When Mitchy finally looks at Chris, his brother is staring back at him with an inscrutable expression.

“Mitchy,” Chris starts slowly. “You’re not an idiot but… Auston knows.”

Suddenly Mitch’s whole body goes cold.

“What do you mean he knows?”

And now Chris looks almost scared, almost like he feels like he shouldn’t be talking about this. “He knows what happened, your transition, everything. I’m pretty sure he’s known for at least a month now because he even sent me a message on Instagram about it and I thought it was you who told him and this is why I didn’t even think about…”

And Chris keeps talking and talking and talking but Mitch doesn’t listen, couldn’t listen even he wanted to.

“No,” Mitch says and that makes Chris stop talking.

“Mitch.”

“No,” Mitch says and he hangs up.

Auston knows. Auston has known all along and he still knows now and he will know forever and – fuck. Auston knows. Auston _knows_.

Mitch almost doesn’t make it to the bathroom before he throws up.

*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look, I'm not saying that the my music taste is directly proportional with how dramatic this story gets but I have been listening to Rain by Ben Platt for days, and now my only desire in life is to write a screenplay for a queer as hell romcom where that song plays during the most cathartic scene - we're talking 'making up in the rain and running off into the sunset together montage' level of cathartic. 
> 
> Anyways, I'm pretty sure all of you knew that Auston did know. My last Easter egg was a bit too obvious. 
> 
> Much love, keep the comments coming and sorry for the cliffhanger? I'm not actually - but it seems like the right thing to say. xx


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “We need to talk.”

It’s a good thing Auston is still across the continent when Mitch finds out that he’s known about Mitch all along because – well, Mitch is not hysterical, per se, but he is definitely not handling it as well as he’s supposed to. 

He throws up. He cries. And he cries some more. Most of the crying is not even sad, just angry and frustrated and hateful – the worst kind, and believe him when Mitch says that he’s known his fair share of tears. His tears dry up quickly, though, and he feels like he’s almost got a grip on himself but then he thinks of Auston, and he starts crying again, his eyes rubbed red by the time he is able to stop again.

So it’s a good thing Auston’s not there because Mitch doesn’t know what he’d do but he doesn’t think it’d be pretty. He’s quite certain that he would regret everything he’d say in about two seconds and then he’d be beating himself up even more – even though, it seems almost impossible to be beating himself up more than he’s currently doing.

But he’s just so incredibly angry. And sure, mostly at himself, but also at Auston because… he doesn’t get Auston. He doesn’t understand a thing Auston does and it drives him crazy. If Chris has been telling the truth than Auston has known for at least a month now, a month where they spent so much time together, a month where every single time Mitch has opened his mouth Auston probably thought ‘let’s see what he lies about now’. Does Auston think Mitch was trying to outsmart him? Or that he was ashamed? Was this Auston trying to give him time to come out on his own? Was he laughing at him every single time they mentioned Hailey? 

And who else did he tell? Who else knows now? Do the Leafs now? Who was he laughing with as Mitch was parading around thinking he was so fucking smart?

When he stops crying, he goes and takes an angry shower. His phone keeps buzzing with incoming calls from Chris but Mitch can’t talk to him, can’t talk to anyone, so he sends him a message saying he’s fine and will call him back tomorrow, and then turns his phone off. He has two unread messages from Auston but no way is he reading that now, no fucking way.

He paces around his kitchen after his shower. His pizza is completely cold now and the crust is dry, but he puts two slices in the microwave and then forces himself to eat it. His stomach is still in knots, still heavy and uneasy, and the pizza doesn’t help but at least it gives him something to do.

He wants to go over to Auston’s place, wants to knock on his door and just ask him about all this but Auston is in fucking California, probably getting ready to go to the airport right now. Why is he in fucking California? Why now, why is he not here?

He goes for an angry run, the muscles in his leg straining as he pushes himself just a bit too far, a familiar ache that he can concentrate on. He’s still angry when he gets back and drinks a protein shake but he’s finally getting tired at least.

He goes to bed around midnight.

He doesn’t sleep at all.

Instead he thinks and thinks and thinks and he gets absolutely fucking nowhere.

*

Mitch is standing in front of Auston’s building and he is begging his legs to take a step inside but they’re not listening. They’re not moving at all.

Why are they not moving? Is everyone against Mitch now? Even his own freaking legs?

(Mitch thought he’d feel better in morning. What an idiot.)

He takes a look at his phone that he finally turned back on 30 minutes ago when he’s left his place. There are exactly 15 unread messages from Auston, and the number is glaring at Mitch. He wants to get rid of the notification because it’s bothering him so fucking much, why is it still there, why can’t it just go the fuck away, huh?

He takes a deep breath and goes inside before his legs could go on with their silent protest.

When Auston opens his door, he looks almost surprised to see Mitch.

“Mitchy,” he says and he was smiling when he spotted Mitch but now the smile is very quickly disappearing from his face. “You didn’t answer any of my texts, I didn’t know if you’d still come, man.”

Mitch wants to punch him.

Mitch also wants to beg for his forgiveness and the two feelings are quiet frankly ripping Mitch apart. Mitch doesn’t like it. He doesn’t want it. They can both go the fuck away.

“Let me in, please?” he says eventually because Auston is still blocking his way in with all his stupid muscles and height and Mitch very definitely does not want to have this conversation out in the corridor.  
Auston doesn’t say anything but as he steps away he looks confused and there’s still a part of Mitch that doesn’t like that look on his face and wants it to go away but… well, it will go away in a little, won’t it?

“Do you want to drink…,” Auston starts asking as they walk into the living room but Mitch doesn’t let him finish.

“We need to talk.”

Mitch doesn’t have the patience for small talk now. He doesn’t have the patience for anything.

Auston also seems to pick up on Mitch’s mood because when they sit down on the couch, he keeps a considerable amount of distance between them – like Mitch is a wounded animal who could lash out any minute now.

Mitch feels like a wounded animal. Like an animal that walked into his own trap and now he’s bleeding out on the ground.

“What’s going on with you?” Auston asks and his voice is way quieter than usual.

Everything is so freaking quiet between them and Mitch wants to scream to fill it up, to make it go away.

“How long have you known, Auston?” Mitch asks and as he says it, he finally looks up to see Auston’s reaction.

Auston doesn’t look away, keeps the eye contact and Mitch doesn’t get him. He doesn’t get anything about him.

“How long have I known what?” Auston asks. He sounds guarded and careful and Mitch feels his own hand starting to shake.

“Don’t treat me like an idiot, please,” Mitch whispers.

They’re still looking at each other but the air is suffocating Mitch.

“Mitchy, I…”

“I said don’t treat me like an idiot,” Mitch repeats and this time his voice is so loud that Auston immediately flinches back – a knee-jerk reaction he can’t seem to stop.

He doesn’t say anything, though, and Mitch can’t take his silence.

“So imagine this, Matthews,” Mitch starts talking and he knows he sounds hysterical again. A part of him wants to shut up but the words keep flowing out of his mouth, full of anger and the worst kind of sarcasm. “I’m on a FaceTime call with my brother. You know my brother, right, Matty? He used to hate you, isn’t that funny? How the tables have turned, apparently you guys are now Instagram friends – isn’t that just great? Anyways, he was on a camping trip – great fun, we should totally try it once, too – and we were talking about that and about what’s been going on with my work and all that and all was well but then suddenly he’s like ‘so how’s Auston’?”

There’s no way to stop him now. It’s all coming out, every fucking thing. It’s like a car crash you can’t stop no matter which way you turn the wheel.

“And I’m like ‘shit, I have to tell him what I’ve done and then he’s going to yell at me for lying to you for a month’. Because, you know, what sort of normal human being does that? Who lies about their fucking identity, huh? What an idiot I am, right? But then, listen to this Matty, Chris says something totally unexpected. He’s like ‘Mitchy, Auston knows’. And I’m immediately like ‘no, he doesn’t.’ How could he know? He wouldn’t act like this if he did. Why would he pretend that he doesn’t know?”

Auston is not looking at him anymore. He’s doing everything he can to avoid looking at Mitch and this… this, at least, Mitch understands. He wouldn’t want to look at himself, either.

Mitch lowers his voice. He tries to get a grip on himself, he really does. “Help me understand this, Auston. How long have you known?”

Auston swallows, once and twice in quick succession, and Mitch’s looking at his Adam’s apple like he’s mesmerized by it.

“For a couple weeks now, Mitchy. I’ve known it since we came back from that stupid Honda dealership,” he says and he seems to finally have found his voice. “But you have to know, Mitchy, that it doesn’t make a difference to me. I don’t care, okay? This is not… this is not something that could ever bother me, okay? Never.”

“So when did you want to tell me this, huh? You wanted to let me pretend forever? You didn’t think this was something that you should have told me?” Mitch asks and there are tears threatening to spill from his eyes but he rubs them away immediately.

That makes Auston look up again at least.

“Are you really upset at me for not telling you something important? Really, Mitch, don’t you think that is a tiny bit hypocritical?”

“Don’t even dare to compare the two things,” Mitch lashes out immediately. He’s lost control over his words the moment he walked into Auston’s apartment and he doesn’t think he’ll ever get it back.  
Auston stands up suddenly. “Why are you even angry at me, Mitch? You were the one who lied. What did you want me to do, huh? To call you out on it? That’s not what friends do.”

“You let me believe that you didn’t know, Auston,” Mitch says – probably shouts but he doesn’t even know, everything so fucking loud in the deafening silence between their words. “I bet you had a great laugh at me. What an idiot this Mitch is that he thinks he can get away with this.”

Auston stops pacing around. “What the fuck, Mitch. I never thought that, why would you…”

“Don’t you get it, Auston?” Now, they’re both definitely shouting.

“No, I fucking don’t, Mitch. What was I supposed to do, huh? You didn’t leave me a lot of options here. I was waiting for you to come out to me. What kind of person would I be if I pushed you out of the closet before you were ready?”

“But I was already out because you knew it! And you let me believe that I wasn’t, Auston!”

“I was trying to be a good person, god dammit. I don’t understand what you think I should have done!”

And now Mitchy is also standing and they’re shouting at each other from opposite sides of the coffee table. Mitch is breathing heavily but he doesn’t feel like he’s inhaling any oxygen. He feels lightheaded and weak. He wants to punch something, push Auston’s stupid signed baseball off the shelf, throw it out of the fucking window.

They’re staring at each other in complete silence.

“I feel humiliated,” Mitch says eventually, his voice barely above a whisper. “Do you understand how much it hurt me to keep this from you?” 

“Then why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because it’s scary as fuck, Auston. No one knows here, don’t you get it? No one. And then you showed up out of fucking nowhere and all I could think about was that you’re going to tell everyone and then it’s going to be the same fucking thing all over again. The same fucking thing that I’ve left behind.”

“Mitchy…”

“And do you know how much I hated myself for lying to you? For not trusting you with this? You should be the one angry at me, for God’s sake. I didn’t trust you, Auston, I fucking didn’t trust you.” 

“Mitch, I know it’s not…”

“Why are you not angry with me?”

It’s only when Auston steps closer that Mitch realizes that the tears are already falling from his own eyes.

“I can’t be angry with you over this,” Auston says. It’s too simple and too honest and just too fucking much that Mitch can’t do anything but start crying – for real now, with big fat tears and runny nose and hitching breath.

“Mitch,” Auston says and his arms are hovering around him, not touching him but still somehow almost enveloping Mitch with just their presence. It feels like Auston is fucking everywhere – he’s the sight Mitch sees, the very air he breathes. “Listen to me. I’m not going to tell anyone if you don’t want me to. Not anyone, okay? This is between you and me. No one else.”

And Mitch wants to protest and say something but he’s tired and he’s confused and he’s scared. So he just nods. It’s all he can do, even that feels like too much of an effort. He doesn’t know where his anger has gone, maybe it’s still there, simmering deep down, but he’s tired, just so fucking tired of lying and living like this – everything just deflates and goes flat and he’s… he’s tired, okay? He’s _done_.

“Okay, good,” Auston says, and Mitch doesn’t know if he’s talking to Mitch or himself. “Come sit down with me for a bit, okay?”

Mitch nods again, almost eagerly this time because his legs feel all too wobbly and his hand is still shaking and he wants to have something solid to hold onto, something solid underneath him.

“Can I hug you, please?” Auston asks when they settle on the couch, and the previous distance between them is all forgotten.

Well, Auston is something solid that Mitch can hold onto. There are no lies there.

So he nods for the third time and Auston puts his arms around him and pulls him in and there’s nothing Mitch can do now but to let his head rest on his chest. Auston smells like recycled air from the plane and sweat and laundry detergent and Mitch is painfully aware that he’s getting all sort of nasty stuff on Auston’s T-shirt but he can’t help but bury his nose deep into his chest, into the place that’s just above his heart. 

His head feels heavy and stuffy and disoriented but he finally feels like he can inhale.

“We’re okay, Mitchy,” Auston says.

Mitch thinks he’s waiting for an answer so he hums something unintelligible into Auston’s chest. It makes Auston huff out some air, exhaling his breath like it’s almost a laugh, and he smooths his hand slowly over Mitch’s back. His hand is big and warm and there are goosebumps on Mitch’s skin where Auston has touched him over his T-shirt.

“We’re totally going to be okay. You know why?” Auston asks but this time he’s not even waiting for an answer. “Because we’re us, Mitchy. And we’re a little stupid, and we’re a lot annoying but we’re solid, Mitch. We’re solid.”

And Mitch’s mind immediately fills up with images, images of Mitch standing in the high school hallway with Auston walking past him without so much as saying hi, and images of Auston waiting for Mitch outside the Marner’s house while Mitch pretended that he wasn’t inside, and Mitch wants to say that they’re not solid because they have been broken once already and they’re going to break again because their odds are even worse now and everything breaks and what is even Auston thinking but –

“I’m so sorry, Matty. I am so fucking sorry,” he whispers instead.

“Don’t apologize,” Auston whispers back like they’re both afraid of breaking the silence around them now that they have stopped shouting.

“Please forgive me, Matty,” Mitchy says, stubborn as always, still feeling the remains of his hurt and anger and hate somewhere deep in his stomach.

“We’re okay, Mitch. I told you we’re okay.”

And they’re still not okay, Mitch knows. Because this is fucked up and broken and just so infuriatingly ugly but Mitch has no fight left in him. He’s drained and fed up and tired. And Auston’s here.

Auston smooths his hand over his back again, and then his arms, and then he moves a bit further down on the couch and with a quick, weirdly familiar move he settles Mitch back against his chest. 

(It’s almost like he’s settling in for the long run.)

Neither of them says anything after that, not about the cuddling, not about their fight, not about Mitch and his lie, and right now all Mitch is capable of is listening to Auston’s breathing and trying to match it.

(He falls asleep quickly after that, his breathing finally mellowing out but his fingers still holding Auston’s T-shirt with a death grip. 

Auston doesn’t sleep, though, even though he was crammed into a plane seat the night before and barely got any rest himself. Instead, he just looks and looks and looks and he thinks about them, their lies and their lives, and thinks about responsibility and love and honesty and a bunch of other things he doesn’t understand.

Mostly he just looks and studies the face he thought he knew so well, every curve and freckle and every piece of hair. All things familiar and all things new.

So he looks and he thinks and he breathes and he keeps holding Mitch.

And what he feels scares the living hell out of him.) 

*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Huh. I'm not sure that this chapter is going to sit well with everyone and it might not ring true to others - but it's one of the chapters that has been personally very important to me.
> 
> Anger, to me, has always been a big part of the trans experience. Trans is beautiful, trans is love and finally coming out as trans is the most liberating feeling ever – but it’s also angry and frustrating and oftentimes irrational and ugly. At least it has been to me, and while I can’t talk about a universal trans experience (how could there be one, we’re all different), this is my story – and surprise, surprise, a lot of what Mitch feels is what I feel. I’ve been angry at my government, angry at my body, angry at my friends and family, angry at so many things sometimes I don’t even think I know what I’m angry at anymore. Because that is trans, too, and I think sometimes we need the space to get angry in an unjust world. 
> 
> Sure, after that, pick yourself up and go on and change things. But you also get to be angry, you get the place to feel that you’ve been pushed into corners you don’t want to be in.
> 
> I guess what I'm trying to say is that this chapter might not have been something you guys have wanted out of a fanfic - and I totally get that, I use fanfiction to escape, too, and I don’t always want to deal with… all this. But Mitch's anger (because he's been angry for a long time now) was always one of the focal points of this story. And while I can promise you the happiest ending and all the fluff later on because that _is_ also trans, not just the anger but all the happiness, too, I still feel that it's important that he gets to have this moment, that he gets to be a little irrational and a lot angry.
> 
> Let me know what you think. xx


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mitch hopes it will be and he’s not used to this whole optimistic hope thing.

Mitch wakes up to the smell of bacon. And it’s not even just a hint of bacon wafting in from the kitchen – no, Mitch takes a deep breath, and another and another, and by the time he actually opens his eyes, all he can smell is bacon; crispy bacon engulfing all his senses.

His stomach growls loudly, like, really loudly, just as his mind finally realizes where he is exactly.

And before he could do anything – take in the fact that he’s covered with a light blanket that he’s never seen before or that his shoes are removed or that he’s sleeping on Auston Matthews’ couch after having a seemingly endless fight with him because oh god, because Auston now knows – Auston appears in front of him, leaning against the doorframe of the kitchen, holding a wooden spoon in his hand.

“Breakfast is almost ready,” he says and smiles at Mitch. There’s still something in the way he holds himself, like’s he’s afraid that Mitch will get upset again or start shouting or just run away. Like if he makes a wrong move, Mitch will lash out again. 

And Mitch is still half-asleep and also perpetually confused by everything but he also knows that what he doesn’t want is Auston to be afraid of him. Sure, Mitch is still a little angry, still a little sorry and still a little worried that everything is fucked up between them – but what he is not, is scared, and Auston shouldn’t be either. Being scared to be honest and to be vulnerable is the fucking worst and Mitch has had enough of that.

“What are you even wearing?” Mitch asks instead.

Auston looks taken aback for a bit, like he wasn’t expecting that either but when Mitch’s words finally catch up with him, he grins. “This? Isn’t this the most amazing thing you’ve ever seen?” he asks and, honest to God, twirls around.

He’s wearing an apron covered in tiny dinosaurs. An apron. With tiny dinosaurs on it. For a second, Mitch entertains the idea that he’s literally hallucinating the whole thing but no, he closes his eyes and opens them again and they’re still there.

“I… have no words,” Mitch says simply because he truly does not have words.

Or maybe he does. But he can’t really say that he finds the whole ‘Auston grinning in a dinosaur covered apron’ the most adorable thing he’s ever seen now, can he?

“You’re just jealous you couldn’t pull this off. Anyways, breakfast? There’s bacon and eggs and I’m making pancakes, too, wait a sec,” Auston says and without waiting for an answer he turns back to his pans to flip and mix and check on and do all other kitchen-y things.

So Mitch is left with no choice but to get up from the couch (still the comfiest thing ever) and go to the kitchen. He doesn’t even know what time it is. He usually doesn’t take naps in the middle of the day so now he’s all confused and hungry and when he spots two mugs of fresh coffee on the counter, he immediately zooms past Auston (who cares about ridiculously cute dinos and Austons when there is coffee), and inhales like half of a cup before he could even look at anything else in the kitchen.

Then he sees the truly enormous pile of perfectly crispy bacon slices, and pancakes upon pancakes and an omelette cooking in one of the fancy pans that Auston insists on using and oh wow.

Mitch is ready to have a complete breakdown in front of Auston all the time if that means that he gets the full breakfast treatment every damn time.

“You cooking for an army, Matty?” Mitch asks because he will not choke out a teary thank you because of the bacons.

“You know, you make fun of my cooking all the time but then you never have a problem with it when it comes to eating,” Auston says with a slightly crooked eyebrow and shoots Mitch an amused smile before he turns back to dealing with the omelettes.

And Mitch would like to just watch Auston cook while occasionally offering a funny quip here and there while ignoring the elephant in the room but… the silence the settles on the kitchen is still a little charged with so many unsaid things hanging in the air – and Mitch knows that he can’t pretend that everything is fine. 

“Look, Auston, I...” Mitch starts when he can’t take it anymore but Auston immediately turns back and holds up his hand with the spatula in it.

“No,” he says and winces a little when it comes out a bit too harsh. “I just mean... can we eat first? My mom used to have this rule about eating before talking about important things because…”

“Because the world never looks so bad with a full stomach, I know,” Mitch finishes. He also feels like wincing because him knowing this story is just another great example of this whole mess but Auston just smiles at him and Mitch smiles back and – maybe this will be awkward and totally wince-worthy but maybe it will also be okay in the end.

Mitch hopes it will be and he’s not used to this whole optimistic hope thing.

So Mitch sips his coffee while Auston finishes cooking, then they set the table together with actual plates and cutlery and even cloth napkins Auston found in some random box his mom packed up for him, and they dig in to demolish the mountain of food Auston has made.

They eat slowly and almost leisurely with Mitch complimenting almost every piece of food he eats and Auston getting so flustered over it that he keeps blushing almost continuously. They talk about a Netflix show Mitch has watched and Auston is interested in, and even about football, of all things, which is unexpected because neither of them is really a self-proclaimed football fan.

Mitch wants to stretch their breakfast until forever, wants to draw it out for so long that time itself would cease to move forward. But they do finish eventually, napkins crumpled up and crumbs sticking to the tabletop and Auston leaning back in his chair so casually, Mitch almost forgets that just a couple hours ago they were shouting at each other.

“Can we… talk now?” Mitch asks around his third cup of coffee. 

“Yeah,” Auston nods even though he looks like he doesn’t want to have this conversation.

“Can I go first? Without you, like, interrupting me?” Mitch says, and the first wince is already happening because shit, the sounded so accusatory, Mitch didn’t mean it like that.

But Auston doesn’t seem to mind, just leans forward and looks at Mitch like he’s there to listen to everything Mitch wants to say and even more. He looks so attentive that it almost throws Mitch off even though he’s been preparing what he wanted to say all through their breakfast.

“Okay, so, first things first: I am sorry. Not about not coming out because that’s… I shouldn’t have to feel sorry about that but about bringing in the extra lies about me being my own cousin. I just didn’t know how else not to come out to you after you’ve asked about… you know, my old name? And I just made a stupid decision and I shouldn’t have. But I hope that… I guess I hope that we can continue being… this?” Mitch gestures between them, and he doesn’t even know what he means. Their friendship? This casual acceptance? Just freaking everything?

“And I know this probably needs a little getting used to, and I get that, I had years coming to terms with all this and you’ve had weeks so… So yeah, I get that. But I also hope that we can just not make a big deal out of this?”

And Mitch doesn’t know what else he wants to say because that’s been his main concern – people knowing. And also people just not being able to handle it and leaving but… Auston’s sitting in front of him with a thoughtful expression on his face and he’s literally let Mitch cry on his shoulders and made him the best breakfast so maybe he, like… would like to actually stay and stick by?

A boy can dream, okay?

Except Auston is not saying anything.

“I’m done, I guess,” Mitch adds because oh shit, he totally told Auston not to interrupt, he forgot, his bad, sorry.

After that, though, Auston looks ready to go. He’s taking a deep breath and he’s looking into Mitch’s eyes and god, Mitch is a little terrified.

“Thank you for telling me that. I’m sorry, too, about not telling you that I’ve known about your transition but… I just didn’t know what else to do, honestly. Because, like, I didn’t want to make you come out, and I felt that telling you I knew would essentially do exactly that? And I mean, you didn’t come out to me, so I assumed you weren’t ready. But I also see how that was stupid, too, so I’m honestly sorry about that.”

Auston does break their eye contact after that but Mitch can’t fault him for starting to fiddle with his fork on the table. This is a lot for both of them. Auston does look back up, though, after a bit of silence and when he looks into Mitch’s eyes, Mitch sees something on his face that he has absolutely no clue how to decipher.

“And like… I don’t know if I’m allowed to say this or if this is like not cool of me but… I just feel like because we haven’t seen each other in – what was it, 10 years? – and I look at you now and I see you. And just you. Not my old childhood friend and not Hailey? Like there’s a… I don’t know how to explain it to you, but there’s a line between who you were and who you are now? I’m not making any sense. It’s just… I know you are the same person but somehow in my mind it also doesn’t seem like that? You’re just Mitch. And I don’t know if that’s like problematic or if I’m even allowed to say that.”

“You’re allowed to feel however you want to feel. This is… let’s just say, it’s a unique situation,” Mitch says and he even surprises himself with how easily a smile spreads on his face after saying that. He’s not even sure he gets what Auston is talking about but maybe he doesn’t need to. Just as Auston doesn’t know what it’s like to be trans, Mitch also has no idea what it’s like to deal with someone else’s transition. 

Auston snorts. “Understatement of the year.”

“Just can you not use my old name, please?” Mitch adds because there are some things he does need to clarify here no matter how well other parts of their conversation is going.

“Oh, shit, yeah, I’m really sorry. That was… sorry, I’ll make sure not to use it,” Auston says immediately and he starts blushing again.

“So are we going to be okay now?” Mitch asks and he hears how lame the question is, how would Auston know that, how do you even measure okayness – but he has to ask.

Auston doesn’t point out how ridiculous the question is, though. “We will be, Mitchy. We already are. I mean… things don’t actually need to change, you know. The only difference is that now you know that I know and you can, if you want to, of course, you can talk about stuff related to, like, I don’t know, gender stuff?”

And maybe Auston is right that they are already okay because no matter how weird and awkward this whole thing could be, Mitch doesn’t feel that their conversation is different from how they usually are. It feels like them and it feels normal and okay.

“Oh yeah, my favorite topic, Matty. Gender stuff."

“I mean it, Mitch. I don’t know a lot of about this, but you can talk to me. Like, I did some reading and watched some videos…”

“You did some reading?”

“… So I watched some videos and that was really helpful but obviously I don’t have experience with this whole thing,” Auston says and Mitch can’t decide whether he’s rambling or he really just has a lot to say. He, too, had to keep a lot of things inside in the past couple weeks, huh?

Mitch is also currently unable to comprehend anything beyond Auston watching videos and educating himself on the topic because Mitch is going to catch feelings that he does not need any more of.

“That’s cool of you, Matty,” Mitch says eventually because it is. Like, Mitch doesn’t want to give him a big head for things that decent human beings should be expected to do but he does deserve a tiny gold star for it. Just those really small ones from the big sticker sheets.

“Can I ask you one more question before you tell me that you had enough of a heart-to-heart and make me stop talking and watch Netflix or something?”

Mitch does not want to think about the fact that literally every word in that sentence was the truest thing he’s ever heard. Auston, put away your perceptiveness, it’s not a good look on you.

“One question and then I’m choosing what we’re watching,” Mitch says and Auston nods seriously.

“Why didn’t you tell anyone here that you’re trans? I know it’s none of their business, I totally get that but… don’t you wish someone would know?” 

And isn’t that the million-dollar question?

And maybe it’s because it’s easier to talk after you’ve already cried on someone’s shoulder or because Auston is literally the only person on this planet right now who might actually understand the situation Mitch has pushed himself into but Mitch opens his mouth and he actually answers.

“I came out and started my transition, you know, hormone-wise and stuff, after my first year of college. And, you know, colleges are usually more accepting and stuff so it wasn’t as bad as like coming out in high school but… it was still not fun. Because I didn’t have super close friends before that either but when I came out to those people I did consider friends, they… they reacted well enough, you know? Like, they told me all the things you should say and they seemed supportive but then… one by one, they kind of just disappeared from my life. And I don’t know, maybe it was just college, people waving in and out of your life, not staying in it permanently, but I felt that some of them just couldn’t take me as I am and as trans. Like, they had their own shit to deal with and I was there, complaining all the time about my mood swings and my transphobic professors and I just… I think they weren’t ready for the baggage that comes with being trans. That it doesn’t just give them an immediate pat on the back that now they are really good allies because they have a trans friend but that it comes with a lot of shit that is hard to deal with.”

The kitchen is eerily quiet around them but Auston keeps looking at him with wide eyes and Mitch keeps talking.

“So I guess I was scared when I came here that that would happen again. That people would leave because they couldn’t deal with that. Because they always do. But if they don’t know then yeah, I guess you get what I’m saying.”

Auston clears his throat. “I do but… that just sounds awful. And lonely.”

“Lonely, yeah,” Mitch agrees. It is a bit awful, too, but really, Mitch survives, it’s not that bad.

“You know everyone has some baggage, right? Like, you can find a reason for not sticking by anyone? It shouldn’t be an excuse.”

Mitch shrugs. “I guess. It doesn’t make my baggage any less heavy.”

Auston doesn’t say anything to that but then Mitch doesn’t think there _is_ anything to say to that.

“Netflix?” Mitch asks finally.

Because the thing is, he thought that the world was ending yesterday and then it just didn’t happen, it kept standing and kept moving and they weathered through the storm. And he’s sitting here, having a heart-to-heart with Auston who knows and who asks question but who also doesn’t seem freaked out about this whole thing.

And Mitch wants to enjoy that. He wants to enjoy the fact that his best friend is back in his life and he knows and he doesn’t care. The air is always clearer after a thunderstorm and after Mitch’s breakdown, his whole life feels more settled. And it might only last for a day, might not even a full one, but he wants to make the most of it.

“Thank you for telling me,” Auston says. “Now go and choose a show.”

It’s not until they are three episodes into Friends that Auston brings it up again.

“People don’t always leave, you know. Or if they do, they can still come back,” he says completely unprompted in the middle of an episode Mitch doesn’t actually like.

“Like you did?” Mitch asks and looks at Auston but Auston only makes a non-committal sound. 

Mitch pretends that he’s not dying to know what Auston is clearly thinking about for exactly four seconds. “Okay, what are you thinking about?” 

Auston grins like he also knew that Mitch would ask.

“I’m just wondering how many times I have to become your best friend for you to realize that I need you in my life. I mean I’m currently at two. But we can start again if you want. I could easily do three or four times, I think.”

And Mitch has no idea what to say to that.

Because Mitch doesn’t let people in but Auston is already there – might have been there for years already without Mitch realizing it. And Mitch wishes Auston could actually prove him right. Prove him that people stay and people stick by and that people want people like Mitch in their life. 

Just prove him everything.

And maybe it’s now up to Mitch to let him.

*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do you ever just have a random sentence pop into your head that then turns into a fic idea and suddenly you're 30k into something before you can even write that one stupid sentence down also fully knowing that the story is nowhere near done and, instead of running out of steam, is evolving into things you weren't planning for?
> 
> Haha. Maybe just me then. 
> 
> And yes, the sentence that started everything was "I’m just wondering how many times I have to become your best friend for you to realize that I need you in my life." and now that I'm reading it back, it sounds half as epic as I originally thought it would.
> 
> I'm also really grateful for the positive reaction on the last chapter - you guys are superstars and I'm "glad" my anger is so relatable. I wish it didn't have to be, but you get what I'm saying.
> 
> love xx


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fuck squared? Fuck raised to the power of freaking infinity?

Full disclosure: Mitch totally expected that things would change after his heart-to-heart with Matty. He even knew that the change would be big: massive and all-encompassing and something that would affect his whole life, every little thing in it. And not because Auston Matthews is the protagonist of Mitch’s life story, steering the wheel and all, but because Mitch has always been all-in on things. He has always had a tunnel vision, almost to a fault, and he is painfully aware of this stain on his resume. He has never known how to do things half way so when something happens in his life, it usually happens big time, the waves reverberating through all aspects of Mitch’s being.

The interesting thing is though that, in hindsight, the change has little to do with Auston Matthews. His fight and the subsequent conversation with Auston might have put Mitch in just the right headspace for all of this to happen, sure, but the real change started with something completely different.

Namely, Alex showing up on his doorstep at 3 am on a Saturday, about three weeks after Mitch has come clean to Auston.

Mitch is not proud to admit that he acted as a grade-A asshole for about one point five minutes after he had opened his door to reveal Alex on the other side. In his defense, he really is not the kind of person you want to be waking up in the middle of the fucking night.

“What the actual fuck?” was the first sentence that left Mitch’s mouth. And yeah, we’re still at the part he’s not proud of.

“Fuck, I’m sorry,” Alex said and it was all he seemed to be capable of repeating because he said it for about four more times before Mitch was able to get another word in. Very clearly drunk, Mitch noted in his head and he stifled the sigh and the yawn that threatened to leaved his mouth at the same time.

“That’s… whatever, come in. You look like you’ve had a night, drink some water,” Mitch said eventually.

That was when Alex actually came in from the dark hallway and Mitch has finally realized just how terrible Alex looked. His eyes were puffy and completely bloodshot, like he had a terrible allergic reaction to something, and his hair that was usually perfectly gelled back, was in a state of total disarray. He also reeked of alcohol, and not even the good kind – Mitch knows the smell of cheap vodka and it was unmistakably that.

Alex trotted in, getting rid of his shoes seemingly on autopilot, and went straight into the living room to collapse onto Mitch’s couch. Alex looked like he was coming home, like he was someone who knew where to place himself in Mitch’s space and Mitch was proper freaked out because Alex has never in his life been here and Mitch had absolutely zero idea what to do. 

He still has no idea which is why Mitch is currently making two cups of tea in his kitchen because while he doesn’t know how to deal with a crisis as a – friend? probably, why else would Alex be here all dramatic and collapsed on his couch – he knows how to deal with his own freak-outs. And that usually involves a lot of tea, so that’s exactly what Alex is getting. Hot and steaming black tea from the good tea shop Mitch sometimes indulges himself with.

Alex has not moved an inch from his surely uncomfortable position on the couch but he does open his eyes when Mitch comes in.

“I know I’m a terrible human being,” Alex says, completely unprompted as Mitch settles on the couch beside him.

“You’re the farthest thing away from a terrible human being,” Mitch says immediately, voice soothing in the quiet of the room, and he pokes a careful finger into Alex’s calf.

Alex leans into the touch (not in a sexual way, do not worry my child) and it feels weird to be patting his fucking leg as he’s still sprawled out next to Mitch but it also feels weirdly fitting. They’re definitely not the hugging kind of people but Mitch is painfully aware of the fact that when someone barges into your home in the middle of the night, you’re probably supposed to offer some sort of emotional support to them. So calf-petting it is.

“What happened, dude?” Mitch asks finally when he can’t take the silence any longer. 

Alex is looking up at the ceiling and his hands are resting clasped together on his stomach but even in the dimly lit room, Mitch can see that they’re shaking. Fuck, Mitch definitely did not realize that this was this serious.

“My girlfriend broke up with me,” says Alex eventually, and if it wasn’t for his trembling hands and the slight hitch in his voice, his tone could almost be mistaken for casual. Just a matter-of-factly observation.

“Fuck,” Mitch says, his brain-to-mouth filter probably still sleeping in his bed, but then what else can you say to that? Fuck seems pretty reasonable.

“After I proposed to her,” Alex adds.

Fuck squared? Fuck raised to the power of freaking infinity?

“Because she’s cheated on me. Been cheating on me pretty consistently actually if I understood things correctly,” Alex keeps talking and Mitch doesn’t even dare to take a breath next to him.

This is some serious level of fucked upness. Mitch has ceased to have any control over this situation.

“Dude,” Mitch whispers eventually because there’s really nothing else he can even think of saying. Sorry? What a terrible human being? I’m happy she’s out of your life? None of these seem acceptable at all.

‘Why are you telling me this’ seems to be the worst thing that pops into Mitch’s head, and he’ll be forever grateful that he manages to keep that in.

“And I’m sorry that I’m here, you know?” says Alex suddenly and he sits up so abruptly, Mitch almost lets out a little yelp. But Alex is moving around, erratically rearranging the pillows around them, pulling one into his lap and punching it almost like he’s emphasizing his points. “I know we’re not close. Fuck, I know that this is not your mess. But I had absolutely nowhere to go, man. There’s this huge city, this amazing place and I had absolutely fucking nowhere to go.”

Mitch gets a little flashback to his breakdown at Auston’s place, shouting things into the void, things you can’t keep inside anymore, and he doesn’t even try to stop Alex and doesn’t encourage him either. He knows it’s going to come out anyway. Some things have to and you can’t stop those.

“I don’t know where I fucked up, you know. I keep fucking things up. Because I loved her so much, damn, I felt so secure with her. But apparently, it wasn’t mutual because she felt pretty okay fucking around behind my back. God, I’m such an idiot. I genuinely thought she was the one. And I was so happy. Because I came to Toronto knowing absolutely fucking no one, and I was so lonely, and then she showed up and it was like my life flipped.”

Instead of punching, Alex starts to twist the corner of the pillow, his knuckles curling around the material so tightly that they have started to turn white, and Mitch has a growing urge to slowly ease them off, to help them uncurl.

“You know what scares me the most, though? That maybe I didn’t even love her.”

“You just said that…”

Alex waves him off, his movements still abrupt and too aggressive.

“I know what I said, Mitchy. But I’m not even sure anymore. Because do you know what my first thought was when she told me about all that cheating stuff? My first thought was that there’s a concert tomorrow, or tonight I guess, and if she breaks up with me now then I’ll have no one to go with. Like, I was standing there, proposing to her with an actual fucking ring, and she was breaking my heart, ripping it out completely, and all I could think about was that I was fucking alone again. None of this was about her. Almost nothing. All I could think about was me and how I’m going to be alone again.”

Okay, that is slightly fucked up, even Mitch can admit that. But then… how many times has he beaten himself up because of that? Because he was angry and sad and frustrated and alone in a city that he actually finally loved - other than the fact that it kind of made him miserable? They are both so fucked up.

“Why did you propose to her then?” Mitch asks, and he almost flinches after the words leave his mouth. He feels like he should be consoling Alex and telling him the things are going to be okay but Alex looks angry and maybe – maybe he does need to talk about all this instead of hearing that everything is going to be A-okay.

Alex, at least, doesn’t seem like he minds the interrogation.

“I don’t even know. I think… Like, she was upset that I worked so much and that she thought I didn’t care about her anymore – ironic, isn’t it? – and she was also talking about all of those friends of her getting engaged and I… I don’t know, I guess I thought that was what she wanted and maybe what I also wanted. To show her I’m committed and shit?”

“Well, at least… at least now you know and you can meet someone who actually cares about you?” Mitch offers into the silence that settles after Alex’s words. This time he does flinch because what the fuck, Mitchell, no one wants to hear that right now.

But Alex just snorts and finally uncurls some of his fingers from his death grip on the pillow. “You’re so bad at this.”

“Sorry,” mumbles Mitch immediately but that just makes Alex smile even more. It’s a sad kind of smile but at least it’s a smile.

“I know you don’t like me, either,” Alex says matter-of-factly, still looking at Mitch with that mysterious uptick of his lips.

Mitch freezes. “What are you talking about?”

“I mean… it’s pretty obvious. From the day you came into the office, I’ve tried to be your friend but you clearly had some reservations about me.”

“Wow, wait a second, dude. Where is all this self-deprecating shit coming from?”

Alex lifts an eyebrow. “Look, I’m pretty sure I’m still super drunk and that’s the only reason I’m telling you this – we’ll pretend in the morning that this didn’t happen, ‘kay? – but do you know why I went to that stupid bar after we broke up? Like, wait, so it was this whole thing, like, I was walking down on the street, crying all over my shirt because I’m pathetic and then I was like ‘so where am I even going?’ and I literally stopped where I was and stared at the wall in front of me for like literal minutes because… I had absolutely nowhere to go, Mitchy. Because my whole life became this mess of working and hanging out with my girlfriend and trying to catch up with my family on FaceTime and… why does no one tell you that being an adult is so fucking lonely, huh? Like, was I supposed to stay back home? Was I supposed to stay with my college buddies? Was I supposed to make a bunch of brand new friends here? I was happy I met one person that seemed to want to hang out with me and then she went and cheated on me and fucked off to fucking nowhere and now I’m here, crying on the shoulder of my co-worker who also doesn’t fucking want to hang out with me and… fuck, I’m really tired, Mitchy.”

And Alex does sound tired when he finishes, tired and confused and so done, and once more, Mitch gets a flashback to his breakdown in front of Matty. How utterly wrung out a person can become when they feel like they have to keep everything in to appear normal and happy and okay.

“I’m sorry,” Mitch says eventually and when Alex goes to open his mouth, he holds up a finger to stop him. “I’m sorry you feel like that and I’m sorry I didn’t see it sooner and honestly, most of all I’m sorry because I wasn’t a friend. Believe me when I say it wasn’t… it had nothing to do with you. You’re a really awesome guy, Alex.”

Alex snorts again. “Sure thing.”

“No, I…” Mitch starts but the words die in his throat. 

Mitch is not sure he could tell him even if he wanted to, feels like he’s still physically incapable of continuing his sentence. “Hey, do you want to get some sleep?” he says instead. “I promise we’ll talk more tomorrow but I think your hungover is already going to be really bad and you should at least get a little rest.”

And Alex looks like he wants to push on, to ask and to probe but then he just nods, resigned and tired, and Mitch wants to assure him that it really is not about him but he doesn’t think Alex would ever get that. Not in the state he is currently in.

“Yeah… that sounds good, Mitchy, thanks,” he says eventually and when Mitch pats his thigh, he sends a little grateful smile in Mitch’s direction. He still looks a little dazed and a little drunk but he seems like he calmed down a bit at least.

So Mitch makes him drink a large glass of water and goes to look for some blankets while Alex strips his jeans and shirt down. By the time, Mitch gets back with an old blanket he had in the back of his closet, Alex is fast asleep, his neck distorted in a way that will hurt like hell tomorrow.

Mitch watches him a little after he tucks the blanket around him, looks at his sleep-relaxed face for a couple seconds before feeling creepy about it. But Alex looks different in his sleep, so unguarded and young, his usual confidence long gone.

And Mitch is not sure he can put his feelings into words but all of a sudden he feels that he’s maybe not that alone and that the universe might have a plan for them and that maybe, just maybe, when you close yourself off you not only hurt yourself but others, too.

And maybe it’s not your responsibility but maybe you should still change it.

So Mitch goes to bed that dawn, and as he closes his eyes, he makes a plan – because maybe it’s time he finally fucking took control.

Mitch also should have learnt by now that whenever he makes a plan, Auston Matthews just loves to mess it up for him. Probably thrives on it or something, that fucker.

*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, sorry for disappearing and sorry for the lack of Mr. Auston Matthews in this chapter but I'm a complete sucker for the fucked up kids finally finding friends in other fucked up kids, and Alex is officially my favourite ever. And not just because we share a name, Alexander, I'd love you even if you were called Bernard or something.
> 
> I'm also supposed to be working on translating _rumours_ for a thingy in my dear ol' country but I am... not making any progress on that so I'm procrastinating that by writing this. Who would have thought that translating and sort of rewriting 70k words of text would take so much time? Not this naiv idiot, that's for sure.
> 
> Comments! Are! Still! The! Loveliest!


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Fuck,” whispers Mitch again but it doesn’t help the situation. It never fucking does.

There are so many great ways you can come out to someone. Sure, most of them are super scary and will most certainly make you anxious as hell when you do it, but that’s mostly because of the unknown – not knowing how they’ll react or how they’ll treat you is and will always be what’s the most terrifying about coming out. But there are still different way you can do it: you can tell them face-to-face, prepare a speech or just blurt it out, or you can write a message, even a long letter explaining all of what’s been going on with careful words and hopefully perfect grammar.

Or you can hang up your transgender flag on the wall while your friend is still sleeping his hangover off on your couch and then hide away in your kitchen, waiting impatiently for the minute they wake up and spot it for themselves.

Mitch would not personally recommend this last one because he’s been waiting for a good half an hour for Alex to actually stop snoring and Mitch is slowly losing his goddamn mind. Should he wake him? But the whole point of this charade was to let the coming out process happen organically, to let Alex put it together for himself so Mitch wouldn’t have to break it to him and…

Alex turns onto his other side on the couch, half of the blanket twisted between his thighs and the other half spilling down onto the ground. He snores even louder in this position. He does not look remotely awake.

Maybe he won’t even notice the flag on the wall? What if he just wakes up and says nothing? Or what if he does notice it but still doesn’t bring it up? You don’t usually walk up to someone and be like ‘hey, you trans? I saw your flag’. Mitch doesn’t think people do that.

Mitch pours himself another cup of coffee, decaf because his heart is already racing, and he’s just about to start preparing another batch of pancakes to occupy himself with something, when three things happen in quick succession.

One: someone starts knocking on Mitch’s door.

Two: Mitch gets so startled by the knocking that he drops the pan he’s holding which then bangs against the countertop with the loudest clank ever heard in history.

Three: Alex shoots up on his couch so abruptly, he literally falls down onto the ground, looking helpless and still half asleep in the middle of his blanket nest on the floor.

The whole sequence looks completely out of a sitcom and Mitch would laugh himself to death at how ridiculous the whole thing is if Mitch was not currently busy staring at Alex staring up at the trans flag with wide, confused eyes. It’s right above him where he’s lying on the floor like even the Gods are mocking Mitch for his inadequate coming out methods.

“Fuck,” Mitch whispers eventually as the pan finally stops vibrating on the counter.

Alex is still staring up at the flag and he is not saying anything.

Then, of course, the knocking starts again, getting more insistent this time, a quick succession of firm raps on Mitch’s front door.

Mitch is still frozen in place in the middle of the kitchen but Alex slowly diverts his attention from the flag and looks up at Mitch. Mitch doesn’t know if they’re both ignoring the knocking or if Alex doesn’t even hear it in his complete shock.

And then just when the knocking finally ceases, a voice speaks up on the other side of the door.

“Mitch, I know that you’re not out on a Saturday morning. Open you goddamn door and I’ll take you out for brunch, you lazy slob,” says a very, very familiar voice.

“Fuck,” whispers Mitch again but it doesn’t help the situation. It never fucking does.

“Is that…” starts Alex with wide eyes and Mitch has a feeling that he moved on from the flag at least. Mitch is not sure he likes this development.

“I…” starts Mitch as well but there’s nothing he can say because than the voice starts shouting again. 

“Do you want me to break your door in? I could, Marner, don’t make me. Don’t tempt a hungry man.”

Alex gets up from floor with surprising grace, walks the short walk to Mitch’s door before Mitch could even command his completely paralyzed body to stop him, and with a quick turn of the handle, he opens it.

Auston Matthews’ smile melts away really fucking quickly as he takes in the sight in front of him and Mitch is certain that this is how people feel before their train crashes into a wall.

*

Mitch has been part of a lot of very uncomfortable meals in his lifetime (coming out to his grandparents in the middle of Sunday lunch? Very definitely top 3 most awkward meals of Mitch’s life) but sitting around the table with Alex Kerfoot and Auston Matthews does not only feel uncomfortable – it feels pretty fucking surreal, too.

And just to be fair, Mitch can only really blame himself for this. Both Alex and Auston offered to leave when they spotted the other. It was Mitch who told them to stay. It was him who told them that maybe it was time the three of them met and, well, talked about things.

And Mitch still maintains that that part is true: they _do_ need to talk. Because no matter how much he tried to push Alex away in the past year to protect his secret, Alex has still somehow managed to become his friend (very visibly proven by his drunken act last night) and Mitch absolutely hated the way Alex sounded yesterday, how he was _convinced_ that the trust and the whatever else needed for a friendship was not mutual between them. So now Mitch is ready to disprove him of that idea and he’s ready to tell him everything but… then Auston Matthews kind of messed that up, didn’t he? Mitch needs to have a talk with Auston about his tendency to show up in Mitch’s life and at Mitch’s door at the worst possible times.

“So,” Mitch says eventually when all three of them settle down around the table. Mitch’s pancakes look lovely and he is almost angry that he has absolutely zero appetite. 

Alex still looks a little green around the edges and he eyes the pancakes with an almost scared look.

“You guys know each other, I guess,” Mitch adds when neither of them says anything to his great conversation starter ‘so’.

“Apparently not as well as you do,” Alex says, and for a second, Mitch doesn’t even care about the clear jab in the sentence, he’s just glad that someone is actually talking around the table.

Then he does wince a little because that sentence was loaded as fuck.

“Yeah, about that… I… we…” Mitch says and okay, what the hell, both of them can just go home, Mitch is clearly not ready to have this conversation.

Auston ‘The Savior’ Matthews decides to take pity on him at least.

“Look, I’m sorry I barged in on you guys. I mean, it’s clear you were in the middle of something and I…”

Hold up one second.

“We weren’t… I mean… not what you think it was,” Mitch adds immediately and Alex’s eyebrow shoot up so quickly, Mitch is kind of impressed with his eyebrow lifting abilities. He’s looking between Mitch and Auston like he’s following a table tennis game, eyes jumping from one to the other.

“Wait a second,” says Alex as Auston shuts his mouth immediately. “You’re hometown boy?”

“I’m… what now?”

Mitch doesn’t know how many train wrecks he can watch today but he gets the feeling that the number is still counting.

“Oh my god, this is why you didn’t tell me who he was,” Alex says and he sounds way too excited for someone who’s supposed to be nursing a hangover. “And this is why you didn’t want to have that meeting with him? This changes everything, oh my god.”

“You called me hometown boy? Really?” Auston asks with an amused, almost smug smile, and Mitch would really like to remove himself from this conversation. Like right this second preferably.

“I mean… I wasn’t about to tell them that it was you.”

And Mitch is afraid for a second that Auston will misunderstand it, that he’ll get offended that Mitch’s been hiding him or something but the recognition is immediate in Auston’s eyes and the smile he sends in Mitch’s direction somehow manages to be supportive and understanding. Mitch has no idea how a smile can even be either of those things.

(Even though Mitch is slowly becoming an expert on Auston Matthews’ smiles but that’s a topic for another day.)

“Yeah but… why?” Alex asks eventually when he’s probably had enough of the silent communication going on between Mitch and Auston. “I mean, it’s none of my business and feel free to tell me to fuck off but why didn’t you tell us? We would have been cool about it.”

“It’s none of your business, you’re right,” says Auston immediately, and his voice is uncharacteristically icy.

For a long second Alex and Auston are engaged in a stare-off and they only stop when Mitch carefully clears his throat.

“Auston, it’s okay. I’ll… I think it’s time I told him.”

Alex immediately forgets about being upset with Auston. “Tell me what?”

Auston pushes one of his knees against Mitch, and Mitch leans into it. He takes a final breath.

“I didn’t tell you I knew Auston because I was scared that you guys would figure out that… that I didn’t only know Auston but that he knew who I used to be.”

“The flag,” Alex says immediately before Mitch could even go on. Mitch did say that he loved how smart Alex could be. He shouldn’t have expected anything less. “I mean… you’re…”

“Trans, yeah,” Mitch finishes his sentence, and he immediately wants to put something at the end of the sentence, to somehow ease the whole thing, to say ‘but it’s not a big deal’ or ‘I’m still the same me’ or just something to make it less blunt but the truth of the matter is, he shouldn’t have to do that. It’s a statement, a fact, nothing he’d have to explain or soften or appease.

“That’s… “Alex starts and he looks at Auston for a quick second before resting his eyes on Mitch again. “Thank you for telling me, man. I’m sure that was hard to keep inside you.”

“Well, yeah,” agrees Mitch because there’s no point in saying that it fucking killed him to keep this to himself. “It wasn’t the best but… I guess I couldn’t do that anymore.”

“I hope it wasn’t because of something I did,” Alex says.

“No, I…” Mitch starts but he’s not sure what he wants to say because this is exactly what he’s always had a problem with. Because not wanting to come out or being scared to come out is usually not a rational thing – it’s not because the other person did something or said something that made you feel that way. It’s this empty pit in your stomach, the way it clenches on itself in fear when you think about coming out. The fear of the unknown, the fear of change that Mitch has always hated ever since he can remember.

“I…” Mitch starts again and he hates himself that he can’t finish the fucking sentence because he doesn’t know why he’s not able to, why he can’t fucking just form the words. The truth is already out, Alex already knows and he’s okay with it, why can’t Mitch just fucking talk about this?

“I don’t mean to intrude,” Auston says suddenly, and his voice is slow and measured like he’s ready to stop at any indication that he should, “but it really wasn’t about you, I think? Mitch is, believe it or not, not a fan of coming outs.”

Mitch is glad that Auston is ready to fight his battles for him but he knows he shouldn’t have to.

“He’s right," he says, and once he starts talking, the words seem to find their place in his mouth. "I’m really, really not a fan. Because I came out and started my transition in college, and when I moved back to Scottsdale I was thrown back into this community where people knew me from before, and who didn’t seem to be so on board with the idea that the little, quiet girl was suddenly growing a beard and calling himself Mitch and… It wasn’t a terrible thing, nothing traumatizing, but when I came to Toronto, I wanted a fresh slate, and I thought that the best way to get that would be to... just not mention it to anyone.”

Alex is still looking at Mitch as he’s talking but he also started to play with his fork on the table, a movement so absent-minded and normal, it almost makes Mitch smile in the middle of his heart-to-heart.

“That makes sense. Not that it’s up to me to decide but… I’m glad you told me, that’s all,” he says, and his eyes are so honest and open, that something flickers in Mitch, something that is a mixture of hope and happiness.

“And now we can finally gossip about the fact that you and Auston Matthews are apparently buddies. Honestly, I’m more shocked about that.”

And Mitch feels almost – betrayed is not the word he’s looking for, but he doesn’t think he can describe this any other way. He feels betrayed by himself because he’s dreaded this conversation for ages and even though he’s told himself he’s nothing to worry about, deep down he knew that there was something to be freaked out about – but he’s sitting here, and Alex needed exactly 2.5 seconds to get over the fact that he’s trans, and Mitch feels like it shouldn’t be this easy. He doesn’t want it to be hard, don’t get him wrong, but there’s something in him that’s almost disappointed because really, this was what he fretted for about a year now? That caused him so much trouble and heartache?

But than Alex smiles at him, this wide and bright smile again, and maybe Mitch has fretted this so much not because it’s something scary, but because it’s something important.

And maybe that’s actually a reasonable thing. Maybe his fears are completely reasonable, just not for the exact reason he thought they were.

“Honestly, I’m happy you spurred this on me out of fucking nowhere, man. I feel like I’d much rather dwell into your secret friendship with dear Matthews over here, instead of crying about my cheating ex-girlfriend.”

Auston Matthews spends a good half minute coughing for his life after he starts choking on his coffee.

“Oh yeah, so I know we’ve just met but do you want to hear about how I proposed to my girlfriend last night only to learn that she’s been cheating on me for months now?” Alex asks and Mitch is not sure that this is the healthiest coping mechanism that’s out there but well, talking things out seems like a reasonable thing to do considering the circumstances?

“Go ahead, dude, I’m all ears,” says Auston eventually after he’s managed to stop choking and deposited his coffee safely back onto the table. He still seems a little shocked but he doesn’t seem bothered by Alex’s straightforwardness.

“So get this…”

Listening to Alex tell Auston about his disaster of a proposal over too-sweet pancakes was not how Mitch has planned to come out but the truth is, he really doesn’t mind it. It’s easy, and it’s normal, and it’s them.

Auston’s knee stays pressed against his for a long time and that – _that_ he also really doesn’t mind.

*

Alex stays with Mitch for the night – and probably for the next couple nights, too, even though they don’t talk about that and even though they should, but once Alex is done talking about his breakup, Mitch doesn’t want to bring it up again, doesn’t want to ruin the mood. They can discuss that tomorrow.

Auston stays until it’s actually getting late, until everything is dark and quiet on Mitch’s street. He and Alex get along like a house on fire, and within a couple hours Mitch feels like they’ve known each other for years – and not even just the casual acquaintance kind of knowing each other. They both also decide that their absolute favorite pastime is to tease Mitch to his death, making fun of him in this nice and easy and casual way. It’s apparently a great way for them to bond which is the only reason Mitch lets it slide. The only reason.

And the thing is, the fact that Mitch is trans doesn’t get forgotten about, doesn’t get swept under the rug like it’s nothing. And Alex does eventually ask questions, but he clearly knows what he’s allowed to ask. He doesn’t probe about surgeries or deadnames but he does ask about growing up trans, about what it was like for him to go to college and finally experience who he was always supposed to be.

It’s still a lot though, still something that’s emotionally taxing, and when Mitch walks Auston out at the end of the night, he sinks into the final hug Auston gives him.

“You’re okay, right? You’ll be okay with him?” Auston asks, voice quiet even with Alex back on the couch, scrolling through his phone and trying to give them as much privacy as he can, like he knows that they are in dire need of that.

“Yeah, sure, he’s good. But… Thanks for everything,” Mitch says eventually. He doesn’t know what’s on his face, but there is surely something because Auston takes one look at him and pulls him back into another hug – this one even tighter than the one before.

“Of course,” he whispers and squeezes Mitch’s arm once more.

Mitch doesn’t think he should get used to this. He doesn’t remember ever wanting something this badly, though.

(Okay, objectively untrue, dysphoria makes you more desperate than anything. Even more desperate than unrequited love.)

Auston does let go of him eventually, though he’s slow to take his hands away, and Mitch misses his arms the moment they’re gone. They’re silent for a second, but then with a final ‘hi’, quiet and almost barely above a whisper, Auston turns around and leaves.

Mitch’s mind is still somewhere else as he goes back, and he knows he should go and look for sheets for Alex (proper ones if he’s about to become a permanent fixture in Mitch’s apartment) but he goes to sit down on the couch instead.

“I guess this wasn’t how you planned this day, huh?” Alex asks. He puts his phone down on the coffee table, screen down like he doesn’t even want to see a notification pop up, and it somehow feels more personal than any of their conversations today. 

“Yeah, you could say that,” Mitch lets out a quiet laugh.

“I’m proud of you, dude. I really am.”

“I feel like I’m stealing your thunder,” Mitch offers, and he’s glad when Alex laughs back at him.

“By all means, please steal it all the time. I really do not want this thunder here, it’s not fun.”

The room is almost dark around them, only a small lamp providing some light perched on top of the little table by Mitch’s TV. It reflects on Alex’s T-shirt, covering it in a soft light, and for some reason, it’s the one thing that remains crystal clear in Mitch’s memory. It’s the one thing he remembers more than anything when he thinks back onto this moment years later.

“So Mitchy,” Alex says casually, “you’re in love with Auston Matthews.”

*


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maybe Mitch is really, really bad at coming outs but maybe they don’t have to be perfect when you’re coming out to the right people.

It’s not like Alex is wrong about the things he says.

It also doesn’t mean that Mitch would actually want to hear about his apparently ‘fucking obvious crush on Matthews, dude’. Especially not for the fifth time today.

“Honestly, man, I’m getting really close to just kicking you out and leaving you here. I don’t even care that you’re going through a rough time or whatever, I told you to drop this,” Mitch groans and stuffs some toffee-flavored popcorn into his mouth. Probably more than he should but at least this way he gets to eat more of their shared bag of popcorn, so Alex will see actual punishment for his nosiness. Alex deserves no popcorn if Alex keeps talking about Mitch’s hopeless love life.

“Oh, come one, man. Humor me here; don’t forget that I’m a heartbroken man. I deserve some happiness,” Alex says and grabs a handful of popcorn while Mitch scowls at his words.

“Why do I have to suffer through this conversation for your happiness? On that note, why does your happiness depend on my suffering?”

Alex waves him off. They’ve found a little bench in the crowded park (why is the park so crowded anyway? Is everyone trying to get one last glimpse of sunshine before winter comes in October?), and Alex is sprawled out beside Mitch, sunglasses perched on top of his nose as he enjoys the sun that finally broke through the clouds.

“It just explains so much about you. Like, your transness or - okay, maybe not a word - but you being trans does explain all your secrecy and all your hushhush things, but you being in love with your childhood best friend Auston Matthews? That literally explains everything. Everything,” he says and he enunciates the last world like there’s some hidden meaning behind it.

“It literally explains nothing but please do go on,” Mitch says, and even though the sarcasm is dripping from his voice, Alex takes his wish to heart.

“Now we just have to come up with a plan, man. It’s so exciting,” he says and he even claps his hands together like he wants to make sure that Mitch understands just how exciting this whole thing really is.

Mitch really does not like the sound of that, though. “A plan for what exactly?”

Alex flashes a grin at him and it’s so shark-like and dangerous-looking that Mitch almost automatically lets out a groan.

“A plan for you to woo Auston Matthews, dummy. What else?”

Mitch does the only thing he can. 

He stuffs some more popcorn in his mouth before he could start screaming.

*

Mitch almost believes that Alex forgot about his words. Because he doesn’t talk about it any longer on Sunday, and he doesn’t bring it up on Monday when they go into the office and start working on the data that started trickling in from the rookie training camp from last week. 

On Monday night, they also drop by Alex’s old place (or well, his ex-girlfriend’s place but Mitch makes sure not to mention that) and pick up some stuff for him, and for a little while, Mitch would almost prefer if Alex would start working on his stupid plan because he looks sad and hurt and Mitch very much does not like that look on him. He barely says a word while they’re there – apart from little half-sentences like “no, that’s hers” or “can you please pack this for me?” but Mitch doesn’t think that really counts.

Alex doesn’t forget about the plan, though. That fucker probably just let Mitch believe he did, so he could lull him into a false sense of security. (Mitch says that fucker with adoration because that poor fucker still deserves so much more love than his stupid girlfriend let him believe he did.)

They’re cooking dinner on Tuesday night when Alex finally corners him.

“Absolutely no pressure is intended here,” he starts and those words put Mitch on alert almost before they’re out of Alex’s mouth, “but would you maybe consider coming out to Willy and Zach, too?”

“Why?” Mitch asks immediately and his eyes narrow as he looks at Alex.

And there are so many great answers to that, like “because they would be so supportive” or “you’d feel so liberated if you finally told them” but Alex manages to say exactly none of those nice lines.

“So that we can also tell them that you’re in love with Auston Matthews and make a great plan to make him fall in love with you. Or to make him realize that he’s already in love with you because dude is not subtle about his emotions. Willy has amazing Sharpies, too, we could draw an actual, physical plan.”

Mitch hits Alex on his head with the kitchen towel. It was already dirty and half of it was covered in tomato sauce that Mitch spilled a couple minutes ago, and Alex shrieks really loudly when the wet cloth touches his face.

“Okay, but seriously,” Alex continues when they finally calm down. It took them a couple minutes. “You should tell them about the trans thing. Willy would go full out, with all his ‘we’re here and we’re queer’ banners and Zach is a sweetheart; you know that. Dude would probably go on bodyguard duty the moment someone would so much as breathe the wrong way around you.”

Which are all objectively true statements that do absolutely nothing for Mitchy because Mitch has left behind all of his rational thinking abilities when he realized he was trans. 

(Which sounds like a super problematic statement now that he thinks about it. Well.)

Alex also probably sees that his words have no effect on Mitch because he continues.

“Or you could tell them so that I could occupy my heartbroken mind with making your happy ever after come true?”

“I don’t think that’s a healthy coping mechanism.”

“Never said it was,” Alex shrugs.

Mitch pretends to think for at least a minute while he stirs some more garlic into their sauce.

“Okay,” he says finally and Alex’s eyes grow so big, he looks straight out of a cartoon.

“But… you’re not doing this because I pressured you into it, right?” he hesitates.

Now he’s worried about that. Typical.

Mitch shakes his head with a smile. “Nah. You are not that great of a manipulator.”

Alex’s answering smile is blinding and Mitch is so going to kill him if he’ll regret this. Just for the record.

*

Which is why Mitch Marner finally manages to come out to Willy and Zach in the middle of the fucking workday on a Wednesday. Like, so in the middle of the day that they all are literally in-between meetings, catching a ten-minute coffee and gossip break in Mitch and Alex’s office.

That was definitely not how Mitch has planned it. But apparently starting a conversation with “there’s something important I want to discuss with you guys after work” is not how he should have approached this whole thing.

“You’re not dying, right?” Willy asks immediately and he even drops his phone on the ground where he is leaning against Alex’s desk. It’s exactly Willy’s kind of dramatic though, because it’s dramatic enough to make it dramatic with a trademark sign but still not as dramatic as spilling his coffee would have been. (He probably was just saving his coffee.)

“No, it’s nothing like…”

“You’re quitting?”

“Moving back home?” Zach chimes in, too, with wide eyes.

“No, I…”

“Why are you leaving us, Mitch? Are you not happy here?”

“Is it decided already? When are you going back?”

“Oh my god, I was literally just trying to come out, Jesus, you guys!”

This time Willy only drops his mouth. “But you… wait, were we not supposed to know you’re gay?”

“Willy,” Zach honest-to-God hisses at him.

“What? I mean I get that everyone should come out when they feel ready to but he was already out.”

Mitch is half-laughing at the situation. He’s also half-dying because Willy’s words are clearly meant to be a joke but they hit so close to home that they’re… really not funny.

Alex is looking at that train-wreck of a conversation with horrified eyes. Mitch is looking at him with a raised eyebrow, and he totally wants to shout ‘I told you’ so at him.

“No, I wasn’t trying to come out as gay…”

“You’re bi too? Welcome to the club, babe,” Willy interrupts him again and he even extends his hand for a fistbump.

Mitch thought coming out was hard and it is. But he never imagined that it was hard because he was coming out to idiots.

“Well, I don’t really have a preference, to be honest, I just…”

“Pansexuality is cool, and it's honestly really interesting how people define the difference between...”

“Willy, shut the hell up, please,” Alex says suddenly.

And Mitch appreciates the sentiment but Willy’s smile melts from his face incredibly quickly after that. Mitch might want the jokes back, now that he’s thinking about it. He prefers the jokes over those solemn faces on Willy and Zach’s faces.

Say the fucking words, Mitchell. 

“I’m trans,” he says quickly, the words almost slurring together, but judging from Zach and Willy’s facial expressions, they do get the meaning.

“Oh,” Willy say but he doesn’t go on.

(It kind of makes something die inside Mitch if he’s being honest.)

“No, no, I mean…” Willy starts again and Mitch guesses his feelings are probably written on his face. “Thank you for telling us, man. Or shit, woman? Lady? I seriously need to monitor the microaggressions in my language, oh my god.”

Mitch doesn’t really get how he can be worried about microaggressions when he literally just called him a woman after he came out as trans.

Also, what the fuck? Mitch is seriously going to start crying here because if fucking Willy – who lives and breathes rainbows – can’t fucking accept him than who will? Who fucking will?

“No, no, guys, he’s coming out as a trans guy. As in he’s already transitioned,” Alex says very quickly.

“What?” Willy asks.

“What?” Mitch asks, too.

“You mean you’re trans as you’re… what?”

“FTM?” Mitch offers because he’s still not over Willy’s lady comment but… wait, he thought what?

“Oh my god,” Zach whispers and Mitch really, really doesn’t know what he’s supposed to say and feel and think anymore. He has no clue. His brain gave up.

Willy apparently has enough feelings for all of them, though, because suddenly Mitch has an armful of William Nylander leeching onto him like a koala.

“Oh my god, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean it like that I just thought you were coming out as a trans woman, man. Because I have never in my life thought that you were… Not that I should have guessed that you’re trans, of course! I am such an idiot and…”

The rest of Willy’s words are lost between his tears and Mitch’s shirt but Mitchy doesn’t even care anymore. 

He once read somewhere that you don’t have control over how someone reacts to your coming out but he has never felt the meaning of those words as much as he does now.

Because he came out to Auston and that was half of a disaster, and he came out to Alex and that was the other half of the disaster and now coming out to Zach and Willy is somehow the third half of this mess but even through all that, even through all that hurt and anxiety and feeling scared to fucking hell, their reaction was always the actual best – way better than Mitch could have ever dared to hope for if it was up to him.

Maybe Mitch is really, really bad at coming outs but maybe they don’t have to be perfect when you’re coming out to the right people.

When Willy detaches himself from Mitchy, Zach also steps forward and pulls him into a quick hug.

“Thank you for telling us, man. You’re so brave,” he whispers into his ears and Mitch smiles a silent thank you at him.

“You guys want to come over to my place tonight? I kind of wanted to have this conversation there actually but then…”

“We kind of ruined your coming out,” Willy says sheepishly.

Mitch just grins at him. “That’s okay. One day I’ll have a perfect coming out with like a tastefully crafted coming out speech but until then, you know, you guys were actually pretty great about it. I mean, you did somehow manage to cover almost every possible sexuality and gender identity before arriving at the right conclusion, but what can you do?”

Mitch gets a lot of boos for that comment but he gets them as an out and proud trans man for the first time in his life – so he doesn’t really find it in himself to mind.

*

Even though Mitch came out successfully to Willy and Zach, he wasn’t actually planning on telling them about Auston.

And that is fully because he doesn’t trust them with that information. Which sounds like the most ridiculous statement ever made by a man who literally just trusted them with his most intimate, most closely kept secret in his life. It doesn’t make sense that now he’s all like ‘I don’t trust you with the fact that I have a crush on this guy’, right?

But it is exactly the case and Mitch is not even ashamed to admit that because the more people know about his crush, the higher the possibility that Auston will find it out, too, and that? That is Mitch’s biggest fear right now. Forget the years’ worth of anxiety about keeping his transness a secret, not even that compares to what he feels when he thinks about Auston realizing his true feelings for him and ruining their newly-found, still so vulnerable friendship.

(Which is blatantly untrue. But it’s a funny thing, that human brain. You forget really fucking quickly just how afraid of something you were when you finally do it.)

And the thing is, Mitch would love to pretend that he has a chance with Auston. It would be so great to tell the guys about this guy he likes. It would be especially great because now he could even be honest with them and finally tell them what it _really_ feels like to like a guy as a trans guy. How terrifying it can be even if the other guy already knows – because there will always be a part of you that wonders if, at the end of the day, this guy really looks at you and sees a “real” guy or if a small part of him wonders if he’s missing out on something that he could have with a cis guy?

Okay, maybe Mitch’s jumping slightly ahead in his heart-to-hearts.

(It’s also a terrible and very bad thought and it is still one of Mitch’s biggest fears.)

So yeah, Mitch would love to pretend that that’s the case (even if maybe he wouldn’t actually want to talk about that last one because that shit is personal and way too feeling-y for Mitch’s liking). But he knows for a fact that Auston doesn’t like guys that way – he knows because that was literally almost the first thing Auston has told him when they met, and isn’t that almost ironic? That now Mitch is standing here wondering about how he managed to somehow fall head first for the guy whose almost-literal first words were about how he doesn’t like guys?

Except that Mitch doesn’t even get to wonder about that (or finish the end of his very long thought process which was basically about him being happy he’s out to the guys, him being insecure, him liking Auston, Auston not liking him, hence the situation being very much a bitch to deal with, end of train of thought) because you never get to wonder about anything when you’re in the company of one William Nylander.

“This honestly explains so much about you,” he says almost immediately after Alex has let them into the apartment.

“Not you too,” Mitch groans.

His groan is barely even audible over Alex’s cackling. Mitch again has to remind himself that Alex is heartbroken and that it’s a great thing that he’s over there laughing. It’s kind of easy to forget when Alex is being a little asshole.

“But it does! I thought you were just like snobbish about something. But then you’d be like super nice about something else and I was so confused, man. You were such a mystery.”

Good, Mitch likes being a mystery. It keeps assholes away. Other people, too, but that’s collateral damage or something.

“Real talk, though, I am so happy you told me, man. Like, I actually cried a little on my way home from the office. You made me cry on the bus, dude. The fucking bus. And man, I know it must have been so hard. I hate coming out, that shit is the worst.”

Which is actually quite surprising coming from Mr. William I’m Loudly Queer Nylander. 

“But you’re like… so out.”

Willy lets out a little laugh. “For a good reason, man. If your whole being screams you’re queer, you never have to come out ever in your life.”

Which makes way too much sense and now Mitch is reconsidering his whole existence.

“Smart, eh?” Willy adds and smiles a little smugly but his eyes tell a different story. Mitch doesn’t feel like he should probe now, even if he still wonders what that might mean – what layers Willy might have under his rainbow cover. “Anyways, now we can gossip about all the guys finally. Out and proud finally. I’ll even weed out the transphobic assholes for you.”

“My hero,” Mitch says with an eyeroll.

Zach and Alex are also settling around them on the couch and they’ve brought a six-pack over that Mitch doesn’t even know who bought because it sure as hell wasn’t in his apartment before. He’s definitely not complaining, though, he needs the alcohol after the day he’s had.

“So… anyone in particular, Mitchell?” Willy asks after he cracked a beer open for himself and his eyebrow waggling is ridiculously overdramatic.

“Oh, are we talking about Mitch’s love life?” Alex latches onto the topic immediately as he fluffs a throw pillow behind his back. He’s an old man.

“No, we’re not.”

“Yes, we are. What do you know, Alexander? What is he not saying?”

“I know absolutely nothing,” Alex says immediately and he sounds exactly like someone who very definitely knows something.

Willy takes a long look at Alex and then at Mitch. He looks like he’s either thinking about something really hard or he’s trying to pick something from between his teeth. Mitch honestly doesn’t know which one is more likely.

“You don’t want to talk about it?” he asks Mitch eventually and Mitch almost doesn’t believe his ears for a second, because he did not know Willy to be one to drop a topic this easily. He’s usually famously annoying about things he wants to talk about.

“I’d rather not,” Mitch says because if Willy’s being nice about this, Mitch can at least be honest.

“’kay, man. I get that,” he says and clinks his bottle against Mitch’s. “Let’s talk about Zachary’s love life instead.”

And funnily enough, Zach actually seems to want to talk about his love life. What a stud.

His love life is also boring. He likes a girl and the girls likes him back and they’ve been on three dates already and she’s apparently also great in bed which Zach insists is not something that should matter, of course, just you know, throwing it out there as a super matter-of-factly statement. He still looks slightly smug when he says it – but Zach even manages to look smug in a nice, polite way which seriously baffles Mitch. How does he do that? How can one man just be so fucking polite?

And the hours pass and none of them seem to really care about the fact that it’s a Wednesday night and that they should be acting like responsible adults who all have to get up quite early tomorrow and go to work. But there’s something in the night’s air that keeps them there, huddled close together on Mitch’s couch (and Mitch’s carpet because Willy actually seems to prefer lying on that when he’s two beers in.) It’s dark outside, and it’s warm inside and they’re talking about the stupidest shit that comes to their minds and the beer is really, really good – and Mitch feels more at home now than he ever did in Toronto; more at home than he ever did in Arizona in those last years.

Coming out doesn’t always end nicely. Sometimes it’s tears and hate and disbelief or a rift opening up between you and the other person. But when it’s good…

When it’s good it tastes like beer and sounds like drunken laughter and feels like Zach’s arm thrown over Mitch’s shoulder as a solid weight of acceptance.

*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I totally wasn't planning on finishing this up now but apparently on a national holiday like today, the muse keeps annoying me until I finish my chapter.
> 
> Or in other words, happy birthday to my rock, to my hero, to my absolute inspiration, Sebastian. I have imprinted on you the very first moment I saw you and since then, you've managed to influence every major decision I have made in my life. I wish I was kidding but you've kept me going since day one - and man, was that a challenge when I was at my lowest. And now, I'm emotional. Fuck.
> 
> Thank you so much for reading everyone, I hope you enjoyed it.


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mitch doesn’t live in denial but he also thinks it’s reasonable that he doesn’t want to hear the unsaid ‘I don’t want you’ out loud.

The thing about annoying friends who never stop meddling in your love life is that they’re annoying and they never fucking stop meddling in your love life.

Especially when they’re called Alex. Especi-fucking-ally then.

And really, Mitch wouldn’t be so upset about this if Mitch could actually and honestly blame Alex for his disaster of a love life here. But even in his blinding rage, he knows that it’s not fair. Alex didn’t push it this far; he might have put the idea in his head – the idea being Mitch wooing Auston or at least letting him know what the fuck was up with his feelings – but Alex has barely even mentioned Mitch’s growingly obvious crush on one Auston Matthews in the past couple of weeks. He let it go; just like Mitch should have let it go by now.

Alex also _definitely_ did not push Mitch’s lips onto Auston’s lips this morning. 

That was solely Mitch’s fault and that's what hurts the most.

*

Actually, if Mitch really wants to blame someone here, he should blame the Bruins. After all, it’s always the damn Bruins – isn’t it?

Because Auston had a great first four games as a Leaf – he scored 5 goals and 4 assists and he proved to be defensively solid as well, so the city of Toronto collectively decided that he was the new savior, the face of the franchise, and the second coming of Wayne Gretzky and Sidney Crosby combined. He’s also been the perfect hockey robot in front of the cameras, giving blander than bland answers to every single question the beat reporter has asked him, and Mitch is forever confused by that because Auston actually _does_ have a personality (a great, sunny, amazing, funny, kind personality and yes, Mitch still very much has a crush on him) but the moment he gets in front of a camera or a voice recorder, he just disappears. 

It’s weird. Mitch doesn’t get it.

But yeah, Auston has a great first four games and then, instead of cooling down a little like any normal hockey player would after a hot start, Auston apparently decides to turn it up even more against the fucking Bruins.

Mitch’s walking to the subway station when his NHL notification pings after Auston’s first goal; he smiles and tucks his phone away after changing the song he was listening to on Spotify (his current obsession? Gnash’s new album, it’s so damn good). The second goal comes when he’s fumbling with his keys trying to get into his apartment, and he smiles even wider this time. He’s cooking dinner when the hattrick is completed and he lets out a little whoop.

He’s finally watching the game on TV when Auston scores his fourth. Mitch positively beams at the screen when it shows the crowd going absolutely batshit crazy and then it zooms in on Matty’s face and he’s so shocked and so confused, Mitch starts laughing so hard that actual tears start streaming down his face.

After the game is over, he sends Auston an over-excited voice message telling him how proud he is and to not drink himself to oblivion, please, because he wants to get brunch tomorrow morning and a good brunch needs mimosas and mimosas are the enemy number one when you’re already hungover. And Mitch thinks that that will be all because Auston is for sure taken out for celebratory drinks by his teammates. Four goals are four goals. Mitch can almost see the amount of complimentary alcohol flowing Auston’s way in whichever bar the team will end up in.

(He also sees a bunch of beautiful and very blonde puck bunnies in his mental image but that kind of makes his smile falter and his stomach drop almost painfully hard so Mitch is not thinking about _that_. Auston is allowed to bring whoever he wants to bring into his bed and it shouldn’t be any of Mitch’s business.)

Except that Auston ends up on his doorstep about three hours later.

Mitch was at least right about the complimentary drinks flowing his way because Auston reeks of vodka and beer and tequila at the same time and oh boy, that is not going to be a fun morning tomorrow, is it?

“What on Earth are you doing here? I thought you were out with your team,” Mitch asks when he opens his door and spots Auston leaning against the wall in front of him.

“Mitchy,” Matty slurs and he immediately throws himself at Mitch.

Mitch barely catches him (Auston is not light by any means) but Auston doesn’t even seem to notice that they almost fell to their death right there on Mitch’s doorstep. He pushes his nose against Mitch’s neck and all of Mitch’s blood would start rushing to places it really should not rush to (the lack of boners is actually a blessing is disguise sometimes) but Mitch is currently quite busy with trying to navigate an overly cuddly and not at all cooperating Auston Matthews to his couch.

“Mitchy, did you see my game?” Auston asks when they finally settle down. Mitch’s breathing heavily but before he could slump into his couch too, he fetches some water for Matty.

He gulps it down obediently and he looks almost proud of himself when he finishes the whole glass. He still looks drunk but he’s actually keeping himself upright with a surprising amount of grace so Mitch doesn’t know how out of it he is right now.

“Yes, I did see your game,” he smiles and rolls his eyes a little and Auston beams back at him immediately. “Four goals, Matty, you’re making the others look bad.”

“No, they’re also great and they like me, Mitch, and I love this stupid city so much, you won’t even believe.”

Which is possibly the cutest thing Mitch has ever heard in his life, and when he smiles dumbly at Auston, his answering smile is just as stupid. God, Mitch hasn’t even touched a bottle tonight, what is his defense for feeling so fucking high?

(The answer – as it usually is – is Auston. Mitch is high on Auston all the fucking time and it’s not fair.)

“I’m happy to hear that, Matty. I thought you’d be partying for longer, though, did all of you drink yourself dumb in about two hours?”

Auston starts shaking his head overenthusiastically. “No, they’re still there. They were all so sad when I said I needed to leave.”

“Why did you need to leave?” Mitch asks, feeling a little confused. Talking to a drunk person is not the easiest when you actually want to get answers.

“That’s the thing they didn’t get. They didn’t understand why I needed to leave,” Auston says.

“Yeah, but why didn’t you stay?” 

“Because you weren’t there,” Auston says like it’s the most obvious thing in the world.

Mitch freezes completely. His throat is suddenly too dry. Auston couldn’t possibly… no. _No_ , Mitch.

“We could have celebrated tomorrow, too. It’s your team,” Mitch says slowly. 

Auston doesn’t seem to pick up on Mitch’s careful tone, though. “No, you’re my team. You needed to be there. I needed to be there… no, I mean, I needed _you_ to be there. You’re the most important.”

And fuck, maybe Mitch shouldn’t ask because Auston is drunk and it’s not fair. Because if Auston would have wanted to have this conversation sober and in control and deliberately, he could have had it already. 

Mitch shouldn’t ask but he does. 

“Why?”

“You know why, Mitchy,” Auston shoots him a look immediately, and even with his unfocused eyes, he manages to convey his feelings pretty clearly. His feelings regarding Mitch being the stupidest idiot he’s ever seen in his life.

“Tell me.”

“No. You can’t know. Don’t trick me, Mitch. I know you’re not supposed to know so I’m not telling you,” Auston says stubbornly.

“Auston, I…”

But Auston suddenly grabs his hand and that effectively shuts Mitch up. His palms are sweaty and sticky with alcohol and they’re too warm in the chill of autumn night. And Mitch silently begs him to finish the sentence, begs him to tell him what Mitch wants to hear because… because Mitch knows Auston is not interested in him like that but really, what else is Mitch supposed to think here? How else can you explain this? It’s not– you don’t say stuff like that to _just_ a friend.

“I think I’m going to throw up, Mitchy,” Auston whispers suddenly and Mitch lurches him up from the couch with a decisive move.

They make it to the bathroom but just on time, Auston heaving into the toilet bowl, trembling hands holding his body up and almost failing. Up until now Mitch hasn’t realized just how long his hair got – now he’s painfully aware of his curls as he tries to keep them from getting into the mess Auston’s made.

It’s a long five minutes they spend there but by the end, Auston manages to stop and sits down on the cool tiles of the bathroom floor. Mitch grabs him a towel and some more water and when Auston doesn’t seem inclined to take either of them, he carefully wipes his face down and makes him drink some of the cold water.

They’re sitting in complete silence, pressed close together between Mitch’s shower and the toilet Mitch has just remembered to flush. The smell still lingers but Auston seems too tired to stand up, so Mitch lets him just sit there for a bit.

“You’ll hate me tomorrow. I’m such a mess,” Auston whispers eventually.

Mitch nudges his legs with his own. “Matty, I’ve seen you in worse state. Remember when you fell from your bike when we were like ten and we were coming back from Clayton’s place? There was so much blood, oh my god. And you just scored four freaking goals, you deserved to let lose. It’s okay.”

“Please don’t hate me tomorrow,” Auston whispers, like he didn’t even hear Mitch’s words.

Mitch takes his hand. “I won’t, okay? I promise. But come and try to get some sleep now. For my sake,” he adds at the end, and maybe it’s playing dirty but it works.

Mitch has barely put some sheets down for him when he falls asleep. Mitch produces a light blanket for him and after a couple minutes of terrible indecision, he tucks him in with gentle touches he wants to deny.

He maybe sleeps an hour that night after he goes to bed, because every time he closes his eyes, Auston’s words keep repeating themselves in his head – and every time they start ringing again, they make less and less sense to Mitch.

*

It’s the next morning when he fucks up irrevocably.

Auston is sprawled out on his couch like a starfish, his right hand and leg slightly hanging off the edge, the giant, and his hair is somehow all over his face and his pillow at the same time. He’s snoring quietly and with every exhale, a curl that’s dangling in front of his lips flutters in the air.

Mitch doesn’t spend a good five minutes looking at his sleeping form, of course. That would be creepy and weird and did he mention creepy? He only looks at him for a good three minutes. Maybe three and a half.

The peace and quiet is broken when Auston suddenly lets out a disgruntled groan. He opens his eyes, too, and closes them when the light probably blinds them, then tries again not even a second later like he forgot how bad it was the first time around.

Mitch starts laughing at him then. But like, he has to. Auston looks ridiculous. Objectively and subjectively and every other way.

Auston groans again. “Mitch,” he says and his voice is hoarse.

“Yes, dear?” Mitch singsongs as he takes a seat on Auston’s left side.

“I’m dying,” he whispers.

“That’s unfortunate.”

Auston’s eyes are barely even open but he somehow still manages to narrow them at Mitch.

“Mitch,” he whispers again and he’s being so over-the-top dramatic that for a second, Mitch wonders whether he’s just exaggerating his suffering so that Mitch would feel sorry for him. 

“I’ve made you waffles.”

“I don’t ever want to eat anything ever again.”

“I think you mean you don’t want to drink ever again? ‘Cause I definitely second that. No more drinking for you, no matter how many goals you’ll score next time.”

Auston looks at him for a really long time, and there’s something in his eyes that puts Mitch on alert. There’s something in the way he just keeps looking at Mitch that makes Mitch remember every single thing he’s said last night.

Auston sighs. “You said waffles?”

Mitch pats his thigh. “Waffles.”

And the thing is, Auston looks considerably better after eating and drinking some water and taking like three painkillers, swallowing them dry like his glass was not literally within arm’s reach on the table. Unfortunately, a considerably better looking Auston is also an Auston that wants to have an actual, serious conversation on a Saturday morning.

“I’m sorry about last night,” he says once they settled back into the living room and he finally found a charger to put his completely drained phone onto.

“It was nothing. Happens to the best of us. Well, not the best of us. I happen to have excellent alcohol tolerance but you weren’t so bad.”

Mitch is going to joke his way out of Auston’s serious conversation even if it kills him.

Because he might be a bad person but he doesn’t want to have this conversation with Auston right now. He doesn’t know what Auston meant last night when he said that he needed Mitch to be there with him and that Mitch was his team because – well, Mitch knows what he wants those words to mean. He obviously knows what he wants. But he knows that it’s impossible, he knows that Auston is not into guys, and the honest truth is that he has made his peace with it. He knows he’s allowed to have what they have now, nothing more and nothing less.

Mitch still knows that if he heard Auston confirm this, if he shot him down with a ‘you’re my best friend and nothing more and I was just talking nonsense’ that would still shatter Mitch’s heart. Mitch is not hoping that Auston will one day change his mind about being into guys or something – that would be stupid, Mitch of all people knows that it doesn’t work like that – but if Auston would say no to him, say no to Mitch’s feelings with his stupid explanations that would… Mitch doesn’t want that. Mitch really, _really_ doesn’t want that.

Mitch doesn’t live in denial but he also thinks it’s reasonable that he doesn’t want to hear the unsaid ‘I don’t want you’ out loud.

But Auston Matthews doesn’t let him joke his way out of the conversation. What was that thing again about Auston crashing every single plan Mitch makes? That seems like a quite frequent occurrence in Mitch’s life lately.

“I know I… fuck, I know I said something about liking you.”

Mitch almost chokes on his own spit. “You didn’t… you didn’t actually say anything about liking me.”

Auston lifts his head so quickly, it looks almost painful in his hungover state. “What?”

“I mean you said a lot of really nice things?” Mitch says but he’s also kind of busy with trying to quiet his trembling heart.

“Like?”

“Like how I’m your team? And how you wanted to celebrate with me instead of the others?”

“But nothing about…” Auston says and bites his lower lips so hard, he almost draws blood.

“Nothing about liking me?” Mitch offers and he swears his heart is in his throat, choking him and pumping him full of life at the same time. He can barely think straight suddenly and the conversation feels almost like an out of body experience. He knows he’s here but he doesn’t get how this can be happening right now.

Auston is completely red now and he keeps flicking his eyes away from Mitch’s.

“I’m so sorry about…”

“It’s mutual, you know,” Mitch says before his non-existent brain-to-mouth filter could even think about existing.

Auston stares back at him with wide eyes.

“You mean…”

“I like you, Auston. I’ve liked you for a really long time now,” Mitch says because apparently he’s lost his mind. 

It’s not ideal.

“You mean as a friend,” Auston says and maybe Mitch hears the careful threat in his voice, the screaming ‘don’t go there, please’ but Mitch doesn’t listen.

“No.”

“No?”

Mitch is trembling but he’s not going to back out now. “I like you, Auston.”

“As a…” he starts but Mitch leans over and kisses him.

Mitch kisses Auston and for a second, it’s the most beautiful thing on Earth, the most life-shattering revelation. It’s the most _right_ Mitch has felt in a long time and he knows, he knows without a fucking doubt that this is not a mistake. It can’t be when it feels so right.

Then Auston’s not reacting and it’s ugly. He’s not kissing back and he’s not reacting and–

Mitch pulls back and he keeps his eyes shut for a couple extra seconds because he can’t look into Auston’s eyes now. He didn’t drink anything last night but he still feels drunk and hungover at the same time and his heart is beating so fast, he’s afraid it will explode. 

And Auston didn’t react and Auston doesn’t react now and Auston never actually said anything about liking him and Mitch knew he didn’t like guys, why the fuck did Mitch do this? How on Earth did he arrive at the conclusion that this was a remotely good idea? 

Mitch has probably fucked up the best thing in his life and he doesn’t even know why he did it.

When he opens his eyes, Auston’s already looking back at him with wide eyes.

“I’m so sorry,” Mitch whispers.

Auston doesn’t say anything.

“I know it was stupid and I’m really sorry and please don’t…”

Auston stands up. “I… I need to go now.”

Mitch tries to catch his arm to stop him but Auston’s already almost by the door when he catches up with him.

“Auston, I…”

“We’re okay, Mitchy. It’s okay,” Auston says as he slips his jacket on but he doesn’t meet Mitch’s eyes.

“Auston…”

Auston is already opening the door but he looks back at Mitch for one last moment.

“We’re okay, Mitch, I just… I need to go now.”

And then he leaves. And Mitch feels like he’s been thrown into a tumbler or a washing machine or even a fucking kaleidoscope because the memories of yesterday and the memories of today keep swirling around him, all the ‘you’re my team’ and ‘I said something about liking you’ and ‘it’s mutual’ and kissing Auston and it spins so fast, it makes Mitch angry and dizzy and mad.

Suddenly all he wants to do is destroy something, to punch and push and scar – but maybe he already _did_ destroy something without even realizing it.

*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is Auston's 'you're my team' a cheeky and subconscious nod towards Check, Please? Idk, probably, OMGCP brainwashed my entire personality so it's more than likely - sorry, Ngozi for kind of stealing that line but Mitch and Auston is a team. A unit. A goddamn army marching towards my heart.
> 
> Also don't kill me? I had enough of the light pining, we got to enter the actual angst now.
> 
> Comments?


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “What do you know about my trade?”

Auston comes back that afternoon with two cups of hot coffee and pastries from that bakery Mitch likes. It has a huge trans flag hung up in its window and Mitch always smiles at it whenever he passes the little store. 

Auston is also here to apologize and that is clear as day. When Mitch opens his door, he has the most hopeful and apologetic smile on his face.

“Please don’t tell me you’re here to apologize,” is the first thing that leaves Mitch’s mouth before they could even move inside.

Auston looks confused. “Well… uhm, that’s kind of what I came here for.”

“Don’t,” Mitch repeats.

Auston sighs. Auston is probably used to Mitch’s weirdness by now. “Let me in first. We can talk then.”

“Okay, but I still don’t want an apology,” he says as he stands to one side to let Auston in.

“Cool, then take your stupid non-apology coffee.”

Which is how they find themselves on Mitch’s couch again – probably for the thousandth time now. One day they’ll have a heart-to-heart that doesn’t involve Mitch’s couch but today is apparently not that day.

“You feelin’ any better?”

Auston shrugs his shoulder. “Still hungover. But my head stopped trying to escape from my skull, so you know, that’s a positive I guess.”

“You’re a lightweight.”

Another shrug. “I guess. Look, Mitch, I…”

“I told you not to apologize. You did absolutely nothing wrong. I read the room wrong and I did something that you didn’t want and I’m the one who should be sorry,” Mitch cuts in before Auston could start playing martyr or something.

But when Auston finally looks into his eyes, he doesn’t look like he was planning on playing martyr. There is something in his eyes, though, and Mitch is not sure he actually understands what it is.

“You didn’t read the room wrong. You didn’t read me wrong.”

Mitch hears the words. Mitch is not sure he actually understands the words, though.

“Run that by me again,” he says quietly.

“I…” Auston says and runs a frustrated hand through his already messy hair. “I need to tell you something first.”

“Okay,” Mitch says when Auston doesn’t go on.

He’s not looking into Mitch’s eyes anymore. His eyes are fixed on Mitch’s little beat-up coffee table like the jungle of circles left by the condensation stains have mesmerized him.

“What do you know about my trade?”

Which was decidedly not a question Mitch has expected to be asked but okay.

“I… Nothing official to be honest? It was a weird trade because I guess everyone collectively agreed that Nashville was the stupidest team ever to give you up. Like, I think no one has even thought that you were on the trade market and then one day they just… announced that you’re getting traded to the Leafs for like… I mean, I liked the guys who were sent in exchange for you but the Leafs definitely got the better end of that deal and it’s not even my biased opinion. It was way better for the Leafs which made it even weirder. But that’s all I know. Then you came here and that was it.”

Auston finally looks up at him. “That’s not all you know, right? That’s not all you heard.”

“I mean…”

“Tell me what you heard.”

Mitch doesn’t want to. “I only heard rumors, Matty.”

“Tell me the rumors.”

Mitch is really trying to read Auston right now but he feels like he’s running into a dead-end here because Auston’s face betrays zero emotions and Mitch has absolutely no idea what he wants to achieve here.

“I know they’re not true.”

Auston sighs. “Still. Tell me what you heard, please.”

And maybe it’s the tired little please at the end or the way Auston says it, almost slumped down on himself but Mitch gives up. “I honestly didn’t hear anything specific. They said that you had… off-ice problems. Personality issues, I guess. That you…”

“Poisoned the locker room? Didn’t listen to the trainers? Was an asshole to everyone?” Auston finishes his sentence when Mitch doesn’t go on.

Which are the exact words Mitch has heard before but coming from Auston’s mouth, they sound vile and ugly and almost rotten.

“Yeah,” he breathes and Auston lets out a small laugh. It’s not a happy one.

They are sitting in complete silence again and Mitch barely even dares to breath because Auston looks like he’s walking on the edge; like one wrong word or movement could set him off completely.

“It wasn’t true, you know? I loved playing in Nashville.”

He says it almost too forcefully and when Mitch looks at his hands, his fists are clenched and trembling.

“I loved playing there. I always dreamed of getting drafted to a team, a team that was just on the verge of success where I could really be part of the end-dream. Where I could actually make a difference, you know? And Nashville drafted me and I got exactly what I wanted, a good core, a great and talented bunch of guys, and a city that was hungry for success. And on top of it all, I loved it there, loved the game and the trainers, loved the guys I played with.”

He takes a deep breath before he continues. “But then I got stupid. I thought I was so good and that the team needed me so much that I could tell them something I should not have.”

Mitch has a terrible feeling about this. A terrible feeling of incoming doom he can’t stop.

“I told them I was gay. I told management.”

Mitch feels like he’s been checked into the plexiglass.

“And they smiled at me. And thanked me for telling them.”

Auston’s knuckles are white now, he’s clenching them so hard. “They traded me the next day.”

“Auston…”

“They looked me in the eye, and said that they’re happy to have me and that the organization is behind me whatever I decide to do. They said that I was the fucking _backbone_ of that team, and then the next day, my agent called me that I was traded.”

"I’m so sorry,” Mitch whispers and he goes to touch Auston’s arm but then stops. He has a feeling Auston would just flinch and move away if he did that.

“They didn’t tell the Leafs at least,” Auston continues. “They just said that they’re moving in a more defensive direction and that they already have too much offensive power down in the middle. That they know I’m good and will probably be great but they want to win the Cup now, not in two or three years. They also peppered in a little about my ego and my inability to listen and my quote unquote off-ice problems. But Dubas apparently didn’t care, said that he could handle cocky hockey players and that maybe I just needed a change. So they took me and they don’t know.”

“And I guess you don’t want to tell them.”

Auston doesn’t answer Mitch, just gives him a pretty telling look. Okay, yeah, maybe stupid question after all this.

“Thank you for telling me,” Mitch says eventually even though he knows it’s inadequate and weak and doesn’t actually make a difference.

Auston just hums and smooths his hand over the pillow he’s been holding in his lap. “I needed to. Because… Look, I told you that you didn’t read things wrong this morning. And last night. Because… Because I do like you, Mitch.”

Mitch doesn’t even dare to think because the ‘but’ is hanging off the end of the sentence like an indestructible inevitability. 

“But it doesn’t change anything.”

And Mitch knows. Mitch really, truly knows. It doesn’t make it any easier.

“But you like me.”

And Mitch knows it sounds childish and stupid and naïve. Love does not conquer all and he’d be stupid to believe that. He still can’t stop himself before it escapes from his lips.

“Yeah,” Auston nods and he’s again looking at his own hands instead of Mitch. “But as I said, it doesn’t change anything. You know we can’t happen, Mitch. I’m… I’m not doing that. I have worked my whole life towards this and I can’t have them know about this. I’m not going to let them take this away from me just because… just because of this.”

“They wouldn’t have to know,” Mitch adds but he knows he’s grasping at straws here. Auston has clearly made up his mind about this and Mitch has to respect his decision here. Even if it kind of kills him.

“No, Mitch, I… Look, I know it’s not fair to you, but you have to understand where I’m coming from here.”

And Mitch does, okay? He fucking does but all he hears and sees and gets here is that his heart is being ripped out for no fucking reason. That he can’t be happy again because other people think stupid things and other people have opinions on how you should live your life. It’s always the other people that fuck it up for Mitch and Mitch doesn’t get why they get to decide about Mitch’s life when Mitch is here and Mitch is shouting and Mitch only wants one fucking thing and he can’t even have that.

Maybe Mitch is making this about himself when he shouldn’t but it’s never about Mitch. It’s never fucking about Mitch and just once, just once he wants to be the one who gets to decide about his own life.

“So now what’s going to happen, Auston? We’re going to pretend that this conversation never happened? We’ll go back to being friends and I’ll pine for you and you’ll be miserable because of this stupid sport but at least the goddamn Leafs and the goddamn backwards ass fans will be happy? Is that really what you want?”

And fuck, Mitch knows that he shouldn’t take this out on Auston because it’s not fair but who else is he supposed to take it out on? He was already full of anger because the world is a terrible and stupid place and he can’t contain this anymore.

“Mitch, please. It’s killing me, too, but don’t do this,” Auston says quietly but Mitch can’t stop trembling.

“I just don’t understand what you want to do now. Nothing?”

Auston swallows and Mitch keep his eyes on the movement of his Adam’s apple. “Nothing. I don’t think there’s anything we can do.”

“You could give this a chance, you know. They really wouldn’t have to know. I don’t fucking mind going back to the closet, you know. Although, it’s not like you actually asked me that.”

“Because I don’t want this, Mitch.”

Because he doesn’t want you.

“I don’t want this, okay?” Auston says and now he sounds angry too, full of boiling rage that wasn’t there before. “I don’t fucking do. I fucked this up once already and I’m not willing to do that again, especially…”

But then the words die in his throat and Mitch swears he can feel his blood turning to ice. He feels the glaciers forming, he feels the pressure pop the side of his veins.

“Especially?” he asks because he can’t have that word left hanging and unfinished between them.

“I didn’t…”

“Especially why, Auston?”

And Auston actually looks into his eyes when he says it. “Because you’re trans.”

And that’s the thing about fighting with someone you love – it’s like fighting with your other half, and not in a romantic sense. Because when you’re actually, really fighting with someone you know almost better than you know yourself, then you know exactly what you need to say to make it hurt the most. You know where they are the most sensitive and you know exactly where you need to punch.

And you do. Repeatedly.

“You know I didn’t mean it like that,” Auston whispers. Or maybe he says it loudly, but Mitch’s blood has filled his ears, drumming against him like a fucking marching band.

“So how did you mean it exactly Auston? Because I’m pretty sure you could have only meant it as one fucking thing.”

“I don’t… you know I could never not be okay with you being trans. You know that it doesn’t make a fucking difference to me. It could never be a problem. But people would not understand that. They would rip us, and they would rip _you_ apart. And don't tell me they wouldn't find out about us or about you. They always fucking know everything.”

“It seems like quite a big problem to me now. You are okay with me being trans, sure, but you wouldn’t date me.”

Auston tries to take his arm but this time it’s Mitch who actually flinches away on reflex.

“Please don’t put words into my mouth, Mitch,” Auston says.

“You’re putting your own words into your own fucking mouth, Auston. You literally said that you wouldn’t date me because I’m trans.”

“No, Mitch, I never said that. If it was up to me, I would have told you how I felt literally months ago now. But it’s not, okay? I’d be the fucking luckiest guy in the world if I could date you but I can’t, okay? I can’t."

“Because I’m trans,” Mitch repeats and his word are ugly and bitter.

“Mitch, try to please…”

“Auston, I fucking get where you’re coming from,” Mitch shouts. “I fucking get it, okay? It even makes fucking sense. It’s still the shittiest thing you could have ever told me, you know? The actual shittiest thing.”

“Mitch, I…”

And Mitch had enough now. “Fuck you, Auston. Fuck you, and fuck your whole team and fuck the whole world. I don’t want this.”

“Mitch…”

“I said I don’t fucking want you. Isn’t that what you wanted to hear in the first place? I made your job easier for you. You don’t want me and now I also don’t want you. Isn’t that just great?”

And Auston tries to say something else but this time Mitch just turns his back to him like he’s a little kid. Maybe he is. An immature and childish little kid who is mad that the big bad world is out to get him.

“Get out of my house, please,” he says to his wall.

Auston sighs. “I’ll go but… can we please talk later? I didn’t want this conversation to…”

“Get out of my house, please,” Mitch repeats and his words are trembling but he won’t fucking start crying in front of Auston. He’s not going to give him the satisfaction.

And Auston hovers a little, probably unsure and undecided, but then he actually does the only nice thing today. He leaves.

And Mitch feels absolutely sick and he’s reminded of all the times he felt at his lowest while coming to terms with the fact that he was trans, all those moments and memories where he felt absolutely certain that something was wrong with him; that he wasn’t supposed to feel like this.

He’s shivering so he wraps his body into the blanket Auston left on his couch this morning, and when he’s in his warm little cocoon, he calls Chris.

“Hey, Mitchy,” Chris says cheerfully.

Mitch can’t stop the tears now.

“Please talk to me,” he whispers into his phone, clutching it like his life depends on it.

And he hears Chris drop something in the background, and he hears him swear in a low voice, but he starts talking almost immediately. Talks about his day, and his meeting with the sales manager he hates and the date he took his girlfriend on, and he even starts detailing a stupid report he was putting together for tomorrow, filled with numbers Mitch has no idea about, and his words keep flowing steadily. His voice is solid and constant and it finally calms Mitch down as the minutes, as the hour passes.

Chris tells him to call him again, anytime and every time he so much as has an inkling to do something stupid, and Mitch promises. It’s a promise he’s made more times than he can remember, and it’s a promise he always intends to keep.

When they hang up, Mitch has three missed calls from Auston and twelve unread messages. 

He falls asleep without checking them.

*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I might be making them suffer like the overdramatic person I am but I'm also updating daily, so like... I'm not _that_ evil, guys. Right? Right?!
> 
> Also, yes, the bakery referenced in the beginning is an actual nod to my other trans!Mitch fic. Because I found it hilarious and I hope you do too. And now I'll go and hide somewhere because I'm scared y'all will be yelling at me in the comments.


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Fuck,” is all Mitch is able to say because he’s pretty sure his brain just short-circuited.

“Auston Matthews is in a slump and it’s your fault.”

“Good morning to you too, Alex.”

Alex narrows his eyes at Mitch as he puts his messenger bag on his desk. It knocks down a stack of papers and Alex looks at them pouring down to the floor with a sort of empty resignation – he doesn’t even try to stop them. It’s that kind of a day apparently. “Whatever. I’ve had enough. You look like death personified and Auston Matthews has not scored a goal in four games and – just for the record – I think you’re both being overdramatic. But I’ve had enough. So would you please tell me what the fuck is up?”

“No,” Mitch says simply and turns back to his computer.

He can’t actually do anything on his computer though, because it crashed ten minutes ago and the error message is still frozen on his screen, laughing up at Mitch’s dumb face. Mitch has tried to fix it but he thinks he’s just made it worse. But he doesn’t care, he’s not going to call Marty from IT to help him. He’s not this helpless. He’s not this stupid. Mitch is a good fucking person, he’s a fucking catch and anyone would be lucky to have him and… he’s not going to call Marty from IT even if that means that he won’t be able to work for days. Mitch doesn’t really care about work at the moment. They can fire him for all he cares – it’s not like Mitch needs them, Mitch needs no fucking one at all.

“No,” Alex repeats like he’s tasting the word in mouth. “Why?”

“Because there’s nothing to tell. We had a disagreement. I’m okay, and he’s just had a too hot start and now he’s going back to normal. That’s normal, too. We’re both so normal and okay. Everything is so fucking normal, Alex.”

“I think you just used the word normal four times in a row and that doesn’t seem really… normal to me.”

“Cool. Whatever. I don’t want to talk about it. You’re still liking the new apartment? You’ve been living there for weeks now and I haven’t got my invite to the house-warming party.”

“It’s a shithole but it’s close to the office and it doesn’t cost me an arm and a leg. But I can’t invite anyone over because you’ll all feel sorry for me because, again, it’s a shithole, and I don’t need that kind of energy in my life.”

“Well, I also don’t need your energy that brings up Auston fucking Matthews every fucking second, so there’s that.”

Alex is silent while Mitch gives up on his computer for good (it’s officially dead, he’ll have to call fucking Marty and he’ll fix it in like negative two seconds and Mitch is going to look like the dumb idiot he is) and when he looks up at Alex, Kerfy has a curious expression on his face. 

“What now?” Mitch barks out as he shoots a quick text to Marty from his phone. He draws the line at texting – he ain’t calling no one.

“Nothing. It’s just that you were literally the one who brought Matthews up just now. Like, I did not even mention him,” Alex says with a raised eyebrow. “So one last chance: do you want to tell me what the hell’s going on with the two of you?”

Mitch sighs. 

Alex sighs back at him mockingly.

“Invite me over to that shithole you call home and I might tell you,” Mitch says finally.

Alex’s responding smile is terrifying.

*

His smile doesn’t last long when he actually tells him what happened with Auston.

“And he just left? He just left like that?” Alex asks and he sounds incredulous.

“I mean… I asked him to. Like, several times. Basically pushed him out the door,” Mitch says. He’s twisting a beer cap in his hands and he feels the edge dig into his skin painfully.

Alex still looks disbelieving. “And you guys haven’t talked since? That was like… what, two weeks ago?”

Mitch shrugs his shoulder. “I don’t know what to tell him, to be honest. I don’t think he knows what to tell me either. It’s like…”

“Like what?” Alex asks when Mitch doesn’t go on.

“It’s like I’m used to solving problems, you know? Solving problems and coming up with creative solutions for things is literally my job. And now I’m here and… there’s nothing I can do. Nothing.”

“But like… do you think that you could just be friends again? I mean, I don’t want to put words into your mouth but you seemed pretty… attached to him.”

Mitch snorts and Alex sends him a sheepish smile. “Sure, let’s go with attached,” Mitch agrees with another snort.

Alex takes a swig from his bottle (and really, should they be drinking on a worknight again? Probably not), and he looks pensive when Mitch looks at him again.

“You’re in love with him, right? And if yes – because yes, you are – are we talking about a ‘you’ve been in love with him since you guys were basically toddlers’ level of epic pining or is this more of a recent development kind of angsty teen love?”

And call Mitch stupid but he never actually… well, he never actually _thought_ about this. “I…”

“You?”

“Fuck,” is all Mitch is able to say because he’s pretty sure his brain just short-circuited.

Alex takes a long look at him before he opens his mouth again. “Did you just realize that you’ve been in love with Auston Matthews your whole life? Are we in life-crisis mode now?”

Mitch really, really doesn’t want to admit that because– shit, that sounds so goddamn pathetic. But how is he supposed to deny it when he knows that it’s true?

“Is that even a thing?”

“Being in love with someone your whole life?” Alex asks and Mitch nods.

“I guess,” Alex shrugs. “Like, I wouldn’t know what that’s like but… I don’t know, I kind of want to believe in soulmates and fairytales and shit like that, so if it _is_ a thing, then you’d totally restore my faith in… like, love.”

“Don’t take this the wrong way but you really don’t look like a guy who believes in soulmates and fairytales,” Mitch snorts. It’s highly probable that he’s using jokes as a defense mechanism but like… he’s just realized he’s been in love with someone his whole fucking life, he thinks shitty defense mechanisms are kind of allowed now.

Alex just rolls his eyes and empties his bottle into his wide-open mouth. His head is tipped back and he’s holding his bottle just above his mouth without his lips actually touching the rim and he looks so much like a frat boy, Mitch kind of wants to chirp him forever.

“I’m not, like, sure that I’ve been in love with him my whole life but I don’t think I actually remember falling in love with him? Which is stupid because he hasn’t been a part of my life for almost ten years and that’s like… a lot of things happened during those ten years. But I think a part of me always loved him. I mean… this is going to sound incredible pathetic but he was my very best friend growing up and he’s my best friend now and he’s the most beautiful person I’ve ever seen – even though I kind of know he’s not like… the most beautiful person ever? And he’s literally the kindest and funniest and he’s such a _good_ person. And he has a bunch of these little things that are literally the most endearing things I’ve ever seen in my life and I just… he’s just great. Not in a perfect way, sure, but he is perfect the way he is. So like… how could I not be in love with him?”

Alex is staring back at him with wide eyes.

“Fuck, that’s like… one, incredibly sappy, two, I wish I could feel so much for someone,” Alex says eventually and Mitch snorts even though he feels naked and like he bared his very soul for all to see. 

He kind of did that, didn’t he?

Mitch opens another beer to busy his hands with something. He doesn’t even want to drink another one.

“I kind of want to fuck him up now. For making you feel like shit,” Alex says.

“It’s not his fault though. You get that, right? And I also hope you know that you can never ever tell this to anyone. Like, I’ll never talk to you ever again if you do.”

Mitch did freak out for like five minutes when he realized that by blurting out everything to Alex, he literally blurted, well, everything out – including Auston and Nashville and him being gay. He felt like the shittiest human to ever human until Alex swore on his life and then his mom’s life to never tell anyone. He still feels kind of shitty, but he guesses he deserves that for being stupid.

“Relax, I know this was top secret. And honestly, I do get where he’s coming from. Like, I knew the NHL was problematic and shitty but this to actually happen to anyone as good as Matthews, it’s still unbelievable to me. That an NHL team would actually do this to him. Not only are they opening themselves up to so many potential lawsuits but if this would get out, this could seriously backfire for them. This is really not the PR you’d want, and I don’t even have to be Willy to tell you this. Not even if you think that all your fans are homophobic assholes who’d agree with you.”

“I mean they’re also kind of smart. Because they know that Auston could never tell this to anyone without, you know, telling them the very reason it all happened. And they have to know that he wouldn’t, after all they’ve put him through.”

Alex stares at his wall.

“Okay, this is incredibly unfair and now I want to fuck him up slightly less,” he says eventually and well, yeah, Mitch agrees. Not with the fucking up part because he never wanted that (though, there are still flashes when he’s mad at Matty but that’s like… a Mitch thing), but he agrees with the unfair part. Because it really is that, just so fucking _unfair_.

They drink their beers in silence for a bit. Alex’s one-bedroom apartment (which is indeed a shithole with mouldy wallpapers and a dripping sink and all that) is dark around them while they contemplate Mitch’s shitty love life. There’s a lot to contemplate about.

“You have to talk to him, though,” Alex states eventually.

“Do I?”

Alex gives him a look.

“I know I have to,” Mitch sighs. “I just don’t know what I could tell him.”

“And also… I know I’ve asked you this already, but could you really just go back to being friends? Even though, you know that he likes you and you like him back and you guys could be like…”

“Together?” Mitch offers.

“I wanted to say banging but knowing your fairytale feelings I feel bad saying that now.”

Okay, Mitch actually does laugh at that. (And also blushes. A lot.)

“I have no idea. Not about the… banging part but about the, you know, going back to being friends part.”

Alex hums. 

Then he hums a second time which– Mitch doesn’t actually know what’s different about the second hum but it sounds slightly infuriating, especially when Alex doesn’t elaborate on it.

“What.”

“Nothing.”

“Alexander,” Mitch hisses.

“I mean… I don’t want to say you’re being stupid. Because you’re not, and I totally get that being friendzoned by a guy you’re in love with is incredibly hard and shitty and hurts your soul and stuff but do you honestly think that you could ever just… not be _whatever_ you can be to Auston?”

“I’m not that pathetic to just keep hanging on his every word when he shot me down.”

“But like, you get why he shot you down.”

“I am not that pathetic, Alexander.”

Alex gives him a look.

“Fuck,” Mitch breathes out.

*

Auston doesn’t pick up his phone, and he doesn’t answer Mitch’s messages and Mitch is about to get real pissed at him because it’s not like it’s Mitch who should be trying so hard here, not after Auston’s stupid comment, so why is he being so _stupidly_ difficult. 

Then Mitch realizes that Auston is probably not answering his phone because the Leafs game starts in about an hour and he probably has shit to do so, like, okay, maybe Mitch will let this one slide. 

He still better answer his texts right after the game or Mitch will be real pissed.

Auston doesn’t answer his messages in the end – he does show up at his door right after the game, though, which okay, Mitch _guesses_ that’s acceptable, too.

“I thought you were mad at me,” is the first thing that leaves Auston’s mouth when Mitch opens his door.

He’s wearing his game-time suit and his hair is still damp.

“I…” Mitch starts. “Come in?”

And he does. He even accepts the red Gatorade Mitch passes him (which yeah, Mitch’s place is still full of the red Gatorade he doesn’t even like. Let’s not even go there).

“Thank you for your text. And for calling. I’m sorry I didn’t answer them,” Auston says quietly.

Mitch can’t stop the laugh that escapes his lips. “I’m so mad at you that you didn’t stop playing in an NHL game when I called. So rude, Matty, so rude.”

Auston smiles at him in response but it doesn’t quite reach his eyes.

“You should be mad at me,” he says instead and the smile falters from Mitch’s face. “I said something stupid, and I know I made you feel like shit and it kills me, Mitch.”

“I was mad at you. But like… I get it, Matty. I know you didn’t mean it like… that. Don’t beat yourself up over this.”

Because Mitch was mad at him, maybe even rightfully so, and he still is mad at something: the world, hockey, stupid Nashville – but he knows that Auston could have never meant his words in a bad way. Call Mitch a fool or stupid or naïve, but he _knows_ Auston. He probably knows him better than he knows himself.

“I wanted to call you. Or text you. It’s just…” Auston says and he vaguely gestures something between them which makes no sense but Mitch still kind of gets it.

“You just had not idea what to say? Because same here.”

Auston does smile at that.

“You did reach out, though. So… any revelations on where to go from here?”

“Actually, yeah.”

“And you care to share with the class?”

“I just… I guess I just remembered what you said after I properly came out to you?”

Auston looks slightly confused, so Mitch decided to clarify. “About you not knowing how many times you’d need to become my best friend for me to understand that, you know, you need me in your life.”

Which is almost exactly what Auston had said, so Mitch should be proud of his memory.

“And I realized that I don’t want to take my chances. I don’t want to tempt fate. We drifted apart once and I absolutely despised it, hated it from the bottom of my heart, and I can’t, I fucking _won’t_ do that again. It might fuck me up, having to be around you without, you know, fully getting you but… I won’t have you _not_ be in my life so…”

And Mitch thinks it was a pretty good explanation, a pretty straightforward way of putting it but Auston just stares back at him, confounded and silent.

"And like I know that it might take me a bit of time to get over you or to learn to live with this but I’ll get there, Matty, I promise I will.”

Still nothing – he’s just staring back at Mitch and Mitch is suddenly feeling the sort of lostness he hasn’t felt in a long time.

“But like, if that is not okay with you, then I’ll get that, too. But also, Matty, you also got to know this is not fair to me, and like, I’m trying here but you got to meet me halfway if you want to…” Mitch rambles on and on and on and he doesn’t even know what he’s saying anymore, just keeps talking without even thinking about his words.

But Auston doesn’t meet him halfway. 

No, there’s nothing halfway about what he does then and there. Because he goes all the way – moves and leans and surges and meets Mitch at the very end of it all.

He meets him – he meets him with his lips, and his hands, and his whole body, and his very being.

*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the cliffhanger on the last one and sorry for the cliffhanger on this one but I'm feeling angsty and just kind of off so the boys have to suffer for me. At least, this cliffhanger was kind of... nice?
> 
> (Also have you ever felt heartbroken without actually getting your heart broken? I probably shouldn't keep listening to Taylor Swift's new album and I very definitely should not feed my growing crush on a random person on Twitter - but if today's chapter is too heartbroken-y then you know who to blame.)
> 
> Take care. xx


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s always fucking fireworks and roman candles with them, lighting each other up, burning brighter together than they ever did apart.

Mitch lets himself be kissed for about ten seconds before he tears himself away.

It’s magical while it lasts, it’s everything he’s ever wanted and more, and then it’s terrible and horrible and very bad for the exact same reason. Because he wants to keep it going and Auston very definitely wants to keep it going but– yeah, no, this is not happening, not like this, not under these circumstances and not after Auston’s words.

“No,” he says as he pushes Auston off. He stands up quickly, almost jumps away from him like he doesn’t even want to be around Auston anymore, which is blatantly untrue because a part of him yearns to go back, wants to be back in Auston’s arms right this second but he also feels sick to his stomach.

He doesn’t think a kiss should make you feel like shit when it’s the very thing you wanted for the longest time ever.

Auston stares back at him, his mouth hanging slightly open, and he still looks confused and why did he even do it when he’s still confused? Why, fucking why?

“I’m sorry. Fuck, Mitch, I’m so sorry,” he whispers eventually, and Mitch is still standing in front of him, his hands in his hair and for a second, he almost starts laughing because what the fuck is Auston even sorry about? Kissing him? Not wanting to be with him? Letting him go? Not talking to him for two weeks? Being fucking confusing all the damn time? All of the above?

“Why did you do this?” Mitch asks and he feels weird towering above Auston but he can’t sit next to him, can’t even imagine having him by his side while he’s so jittery. Mitch feels something course through his veins but he doesn’t know what it is. Anger, confusion, frustration: take your pick.

“I… I’m so sorry, Mitchy.”

Mitch keeps his snide comment in but just barely.

“Why, Auston? Why did you kiss me now?” he repeats because he’s going to get a damn answer to his damn question. “And don’t you dare say you don’t know.”

“But I don’t,” Auston lets out and Mitch hates this.

He hates this because even though he wants to be angry with Auston, Auston is his best friend and he sees that he’s not doing this on purpose. Not dragging Mitch’s feelings around on purpose does not make the situation less shitty though.

“So I’m guessing this was not your way of saying you want to be with me?” Mitch says darkly and Auston flinches.

“It’s not about wanting to, you know that. I do want to. Fuck, I want you so fucking badly it genuinely kills me, Mitch. Why do you think I’ve been this bad on the ice in the past weeks? Why do you think I’m a walking disaster? Because I’m constantly distracted by how much it fucking kills me.”

“So why are you fighting this? Because news flash, Matty, you were the one who said no. Not me,” Mitch says and he knows his words are hurtful and he sees the cuts it makes on Auston but he’s never been rational about him, never been civil and mild and reserved.

They’ve never been reserved about each other and maybe that’s the problem here. It’s always fucking fireworks and roman candles with them, lighting each other up, burning brighter together than they ever did apart. And then the fireworks stop and it’s more like a hurricane and a flood and an avalanche bundled together, wreaking havoc in both their lives. And Mitch doesn’t know what it says about them that all he can compare them to are natural disasters but that’s them in a nutshell – overwhelming, larger than life and just too fucking much.

Too fucking much, fuck, that’s exactly what they are. Impulsive and highly flammable and too much.

“You know why, Mitchy.”

“Do I though? Because I understood your reasoning the first time around and I got why you said no. I totally did. It’s just that… you kissed me. Why did you kiss me if you think that I’m the worst thing that could happen to your career?”

“You’re not the worst thing that could happen to my career,” Auston says immediately and he almost seems offended that Mitch would think that.

“Funny, I thought that me being trans was the worst thing to ever happen to you.”

Fuck, and Mitch knows what he’s saying is stupid and not true but– fuck, Mitch can’t even think straight because it took him ages to accept himself, to be okay with who he is. And while now he knows that it’s not his fault that people can’t fucking grow up and mind their own business and be okay with trans people, that it’s not his fault and it doesn’t make him any less of a man or faulty or bad or something, it’s still the very thing that fucks everything up for him. Because it’s fucking hard to be okay with who you are when all you hear is that you are wrong and that people don’t accept you and that you are the problem.

“Mitch,” Auston breathes out, and his words are nothing more than that, just a rush of air, disbelieving and sad and heartbroken.

The silence stretches out around them and Mitch rarely ever gets cold, but now he feels a shiver wash over him. And he thinks it’s going to be gone in a second, just a shiver that’s over before it has even started, but suddenly all he feels around him is cold and the goosebumps on his skin.

“You’re trembling,” Auston states and when Mitch hold his hand up, he sees the tremors too.

“I feel cold,” Mitch says, because he does, even though it’s his own fucking apartment and he knows that the temperature is fine.

Auston’s suit jacket is over his shoulder before he could even react and he feels like he’s the biggest traitor in his own life because his body welcomes the warmth and the comfort the moment it settles on his frame.

For a little while, all Mitch can hear is their breathing: ragged at first, worked up and unsteady, but it slowly mellows out.

“I don’t want to keep fighting with you, Mitch. And I never ever want to make you feel bad. And if I could do anything to change this, I would do it in a heartbeat.”

“But there’s nothing you can do,” Mitch says and he gets it. He truly gets it. He understands why Auston doesn’t want to get into a relationship right now.

Auston nods.

“You know, maybe a bit later, when I’ve settled down here a bit, I could… I don’t know, maybe figure out if they’d be okay with a gay player on their team. I know Toronto is not Nashville, and that Kyle has been supportive of like Pride and all that, so…”

“Kyle’s really cool about things like that,” Mitch agrees. He’s not even, like, trying to convince Auston, Kyle being good about gay stuff is just a fact.

“You’re not out to him though?” Auston asks.

“I don’t work with him but I know Willy – the PR guy, blonde and kind of a weirdo, you know him? – I know Kyle knows that he’s bi and he’s like fully supportive of him. They even brainstormed ideas for Pride Night together, so…” Mitch says but he sees the expression on Auston’s face, “… yeah, I know that you’ve just been traded away for being gay, so that’s, like, not helpful.”

“It is helpful, it’s just…” Auston says and he makes a vague hand gesture.

“You need more time,” Mitch says because again, he _does_ get it.

“But I also know that I can’t ask you to just keep waiting for me.”

“Like there’s a line of guys waiting for me out there,” Mitch snorts. He’s usually not this self-deprecating but tonight’s already been hard on his self-esteem and he can’t help it.

“There would be if you actually went out and looked for someone. There would be a line if you didn’t spend all your free time with _me_ ,” Auston says quietly.

Which sounds nice and all but Mitch still doesn’t believe it. Mitch wants to see some evidence and there’s exactly zero proof.

“Regardless of this non-existent line, you know that… you know that I can’t wait for you. Not because I am desperate to be in a relationship no matter what right now but because this, this whole imbalance or whatever, would fuck us up even more. And don’t even front it, you know it would. You can’t ask me, and I can’t promise to do that for you – to just keep fucking waiting until you deem this relationship, or whatever it is, worthy of taking a chance – when you’re not even… when you’re not willing to do anything in return,” Mitch says because he has to.

The color doesn’t drain from Auston’s face and his smile doesn’t falter but only because he was already wearing a mask of no emotions when Mitch started his monologue, and that remains unchanged throughout the whole thing. He doesn’t look good, that’s for sure, but he looks like it takes everything in him not to show that.

“I guess it’s good you’re smart enough for the both of us,” Auston says eventually.

Mitch doesn’t know if he’s being smart or it’s just survival instinct. Or maybe not even survival instinct – it’s just this utter conviction that he has to do everything in his power to salvage their relationship before it goes up in smokes. And he knows that him being hung up on Auston when Auston is clearly not ready for whatever this thing between them would entail is bad – he knows that this whole thing could destroy them for good. There are things you can’t come back from.

“Okay,” Mitch says in the end and he doesn’t even know what he says it in regards to.

Auston still seems unsure. “So now we’re…”

And Mitch doesn’t want to laugh but he can’t keep the sarcastic little snort in. “Now we’re…” he says mockingly and for a second, he almost thinks he went overboard but then Auston rolls his eyes at him.

The tension doesn’t disappear from the air but it does let up a little. It’s progress. It’s baby steps. It’s trying to get through this mess with the least damage they can still bare.

“Do you want me to go?” Auston asks eventually when they spend a couple seconds just staring ahead of themselves, almost completely mirroring each other on the couch.

Mitch shakes his head. “No. Let’s do something. Something normal," he says and he almost suprises himself with how determined he actually sounds.

“Normal. After all this?” Auston asks disbelieving.

And okay, he does have a point there. You can’t really start watching a reality show right after you kissed your best friend and then immediately broke his heart after.

(Not like Mitch’s heart is broken. Of course, it’s not. Not at all. Zero broken hearts here.)

“Okay, normalish,” Mitch says and when Auston lets out a little snort, he looks him in the eye and even manages to grin at him. “I’m actually craving something sweet after… all this.”

“Milkshakes?” Auston asks, sounding every bit as hopeful as Mitch feels right now.

Milkshakes are also very definitely not in his diet plan but Mitch is not going to point that out now.

“Your treat?” Mitch asks.

“Always,” Auston says.

So they go and get milkshakes from this hole-in-the-wall diner near Mitch’s place that stays open until 3 am even on weekdays. Auston gets recognized four times, signs at least ten autographs, but after that they’re left alone with their gigantic milkshakes – vanilla for Auston because he clearly has no taste in anything, and some monstrosity called Peanut Butter Pandemonium for Mitch because he deserves it.

And it’s not perfect – far from it. They don’t talk about what happened earlier and maybe it’s not healthy to just pretend that everything is the same but maybe it’s also the best they can do given the circumstances. Because Mitch was not kidding when he said that he was not willing to take his chances – he is not letting Auston go even if it’s not fair to either of them. 

And they do manage to go on with their lives – both together and apart. Auston gets his shit together on the ice, makes friends on the team, and stays in contention for the Rocket Richard, and the amount of people who are calling Nashville management outright stupid for trading him is growing every single day. In the meantime, Mitch’s work gets recognized by management (he and Alex even have a biweekly meeting set up with just Kyle which is honestly huge for two guys just barely out of school and Mitch is so proud of themselves. So proud). He also comes out to Mo (he's great about it) and puts up a little trans flag on his computer where everyone can see it.

He also downloads Tinder. The first date he goes on is with a guy who has short blonde hair and works as a personal trainer and Mitch is intimidated by how gorgeous he is up until he realizes that he basically has a personality of a potato. Which is kind of rude because he (Brian? Bran? Bryce? Even his name was potato-y) was actually a kind of decent guy and insisted on paying, too, but well.... Sometimes it just doesn’t work and you can’t change that. That’s not Mitch’s fault and it’s definitely not Brad’s fault. 

(His name was Brett, Mitchell. Brett.)

He doesn’t tell Auston about the date even though they talk every single day. And it’s not like Mitch wants to lie to him about this because friends do talk about dates and dating and relationships but… it would be weird, right? It would _definitely_ be weird, no, that’s not even a question here. Mitch would never talk about this to Auston and he’s also pretty certain that Auston wouldn’t want to hear about it so – it’s only logical that they don’t talk about it.

(He doesn’t even outright lie about the date. When Auston asks what he did that night, Mitch tells him he was chilling, nothing special. Which was factually true, he just might have omitted that he didn’t chill alone but that’s like… barely even lying.)

So it’s not perfect but it works. And Mitch is okay with how things are. Sure, he gets a little sad sometimes and there are awkward moments but they manage. And the weeks pass and then the months pass and it’s almost Christmas and it’s actually, finally going really well – hockey and work and their friendship and life in general.

Everything’s going so well for them that it’s almost a shame when it all blows up in their faces. But well… Mitch did say they were an avalanche, and when an avalanche comes rushing towards you, there’s nothing you can do to stop it.

You just stand and stare and watch it in slow motion. And you pray for the best.

*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd be so annoyed with myself if I had to be the one reading this - I'm honestly just being an asshole with all these cliffhangers. But they also motivate me to keep writing so it's not all bad.
> 
> Also, yes, I'm missing the Peanut Butter Pandemonium gelato from Stewart's because that is the actually best gelato you'll ever taste. And milkshake. The absolute best _everything_.


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “He asked for you,” Kyle adds and that’s when reality comes crashing down.

Auston Matthew scores a hattrick and breaks three of his fingers in the span of 47 minutes.

What people see on TV and, maybe more importantly, what Mitch sees in the arena is very definitely not this, though.

Because what Mitch sees is _this_ :

He sees the first goal, an unspectacular tip-in that the crowd barely even celebrates (the Leafs were already down 3 when it went in, and there were a few cheers, sure, but definitely less than usual). He then misses the second goal because he and Alex are queuing for beer outside, but the third goal comes quickly after, a show-off-y spinorama ending in a beautiful goal and Mitch sees Auston jumping up against Soup to celebrate, both of them shouting, both of them crying out loud, hats raining down around them. It’s beautiful and touching and emotional and Mitch is so proud.

Five minutes later, he sees the Hurricanes D-man, big and buff and powerful, take Auston out with a deadly precise check. Auston probably saw him coming in the last minute, but couldn’t change anything about the impact, couldn’t change anything about the way he landed face down into the boards. Or maybe he didn’t even see him, eyes on the puck, eyes on the prize only – but the end result was the same.

The end result was the same and that’s what Mitch sees in the arena and that’s what thousands see on the screens: Auston Matthews, hattrick extraordinaire and Leafs star, lying on the ice, unmoving.

Unmoving, Mitch sees, and he feels the rush of blood in his ears and in his heart but just like Matty, he’s also unable to move, unable to proceed with things. Unmoving is all Mitch sees so he closes his eyes to change that, to do something, to make it fucking undone.

When he opens his eyes again, it’s still the fucking same: infuriatingly still, infuriatingly unchanged.

*

The security guards just outside the changing and the medical rooms don’t let them in.

Which– obviously they don’t let them in because why would they? Why the fuck would they let a random guy in to see their injured star player? What did Mitch even think?

“We work for the Leafs, come on,” Alex says, standing next to Mitch and looking almost as anxious and jittery as Mitch feels, and he shows his office badge to the guards.

“No one told us you’d be coming, though. Who are you looking for?” Guard One says and Alex and Mitch exchange a look.

“Well, we’re not really here on official business, we just…” Alex starts but Guard Two is already shaking his head at them.

Mitch wants to kick Alex in the shin. He can’t actually bad _that_ stupid to tell the guards the truth, what the fuck.

Mitch also doesn’t kick him in the shin because Mitch can barely concentrate on anything that is not the mental image of Auston lying on the ice. It’s all he sees when he closes his eyes and it’s all he sees when he opens them and he feels that he’s getting impatient here but– fuck, he needs to know that Auston is okay. He needed to know that fifteen minutes ago.

“Look, I know this sounds shady and all but can you at least tell us he’s okay?” Mitch says and yes, he’s aware how ridiculous he sounds, asking to security guards to please tell him that Auston is okay but they’re standing closer to that stupid door that is hiding Auston from him so they– fuck, they must know _something_.

“That is none of your concern, guys. Wait for the team statement like everyone else,” Guard One says. He doesn’t even sound unkind or pissed, he’s just stating what he needs to state here.

It still kills something in Mitch and suddenly he feels that the door, that stupid, stupid door that he knows leads to the medical room, seems even further away than it did before.

“Look,” Mitch starts again, and Guard Two sighs at him. Mitch goes on regardless. “Please, I really, really need to know that…”

“Kid,” Guard Two says and Mitch wants to punch him because why is he so fucking patronizing? “Please, don’t make a scene here. You guys need to go back to your places and wait for the official statement regarding Matthews. Don’t make me escort you out.”

Alex bristles at that. “Dude, I get that you’re doing your job but…”

“There’s no but here,” cuts in Guard Two and now he’s definitely starting to sound like he’s getting pissed. “Get out of here or we’ll make you.”

Mitch is going to start fucking crying.

“Look, you don’t have to let me in, and I know I’m asking you something you’re not supposed to tell me but… fuck, just tell me he’s okay,” Mitch says, desperate and raw and so fucking scared, and he’s keeping his tears in but they’re already burning his eyes.

“Mitchy,” Alex breathes out next to him, looking all concerned, “Mitchy, it’s okay, he’s going to be okay.”

And now that guards are also looking at him with a slightly worried expression and Mitch doesn’t know what sight he makes but fuck, he thinks he’s making a scene like right about now. He doesn’t want to, he really doesn’t want to because Auston wouldn’t want him to but he needs to know that Auston is okay and happy and breathing but all he sees is Auston on the ice, and Auston on the stretcher and Auston’s body disappearing down the tunnel and…

“What’s going on down here?” Mitch hears a familiar voice behind the guards and it takes him a couple seconds to realize just why _exactly_ it was so stupidly familiar.

Kyle Dubas’ face appears next to the two security guards and when he spots Mitch and Alex, he looks confused for a short second. But then the expression is gone, almost too quickly, and then there’s something else, something very, very different playing on his face: a sort of apprehension that Mitch can’t, and maybe doesn’t want to understand.

“Let them in,” Kyle says suddenly, pointing to Alex and Mitch, and now it’s Mitch and Alex’s turn to look confused.

The security guards do let them pass, one a little more grudgingly than the other, and Kyle motions for them to keep following him inside. He doesn’t say anything else and Mitch is getting more and more confused. Then he realizes that Kyle probably just wanted to get away from the guards so they could speak in private which, yeah, that makes sense.

Mitch lasts for about minus two seconds when they finally stop walking.

“How is he?” he asks, and he tries to keep his voice even but he doesn’t think he succeeds.

And the same expression is back on Kyle’s face – one that is a bit too knowing for Mitch’s liking if he’s being honest. And a part of him wants to take his question back and his visible worry but then – then he wouldn’t actually want that, would he? Because Kyle knows how Auston is, and right now Mitch’s only concern is to get that information from him.

“He’s fine. Three broken fingers but no concussion. He’ll be out for about four weeks at least but nothing long-term,” Kyle says.

“Thank fuck,” Mitch lets out and he feels Alex’s arm on his, squeezing him reassuringly. He welcomes the solid connection, welcomes the fact that he doesn’t have to stand alone here right now.

“He asked for you,” Kyle adds and that’s when reality comes crashing down.

“I…” Mitch starts to say something, not even knowing what, just _something_ , but Kyle holds up a hand immediately.

“Just go in, no… this is none of my business here. He just asked for you and I happened to be there and I told the trainers I’d fetch you. So just go in. Take him home.”

And fuck. All of those sentences are loaded, and all of those sentences scare the hell out of Mitch, and all of those sentences are just so not true – not in the way Mitch knows Kyle means them, not with how he said _home_ and _he asked for you_. Fuck, this is not… Mitch doesn’t know where he should even start disputing this or denying this or fuck, just _explaining_ this. 

But Kyle said it was none of his business, and Auston is not unconscious, and he asked for Mitch.

He asked for Mitch.

Mitch takes one step towards the medical room but stops and turns back for one last thing.

“Thank you for… Thank you for getting me when he asked,” he says.

Kyle is not that much older – he doesn’t look like a father figure or anything like that – but when he smiles back at him, Mitch feels like he’s giving him his approval over something Mitch can’t even name.

“Take care of him, Mitch,” he says.

And Mitch nods. Because that – _that_ he can promise.

*

Auston is lying on a white table when Mitch comes in. For a second Mitch thinks that Kyle has lied to him because Auston’s not moving and his eyes are closed and does he even, fuck, is he even breathing?

But then Auston hears the door close behind Mitch and he looks up, and when he spots Mitch, he grins this tired little smile at him – and fuck, Mitch exhales the breath he’s been keeping in for what feels like hours now.

“Auston,” Mitch whispers and he only realizes that there are still two team doctors in the room when he crosses over to Matty’s bed.

They seem like they have expected him, or at least someone, to come because they only quickly nod towards Mitch, then turn back to their papers and X-rays they were observing before.

“Mitch,” Auston smiles up at him again when Mitch stands beside his bed finally. “I fell, did you see?”

Mitch lets out a surprised little snort. “You could say that, yeah. How are you feeling?”

“I was missing you,” Auston says, loud and clear, and Mitch’s eyes immediately flicker to the doctors. They still seem busy with their papers but Mitch is quite certain that they have heard what Auston said. “But then I’m always missing you, even when you’re standing right by my side, so…”

“We’ll talk about this when you’re not high as a kite, okay?” Mitch says and he hopes to god that the doctors will either think that Auston’s just joking or that they know a secret when they see one. 

Not that there’s an actual, tangible secret here but like– it’s also not _not_ a secret.

“Okay, but I’m not changing my mind about this,” Auston says stubbornly and as he blows out the air he was keeping in, a strand of hair lying across his face flutters. Without thinking, Mitch pushes the hair out of Auston’s eyes – an act so practiced and natural Mitch doesn’t even realize he’s doing it.

Then he spots the doctors again. Then he tries to remove his hand as quickly as possible, only for Auston to start _literally_ growling at the loss of contact.

“Come back,” he whines and when Mitch starts stroking his hair again, he lets out a sound that could easily be mistaken for a purr.

There goes their plausible deniability out the window, Mitch guesses. The touch is literally the furthest thing away from being platonic. But Auston looks like he’s in pain and if there’s anything that Mitch can do to ease that, he’ll do it in a heartbeat.

“How are you feeling?” Mitch asks quietly, his voice barely above a murmur.

“Great,” Auston says but he flinches as he moves his hand to poke Mitch in his ribs. “Okay, maybe it hurts a little. But they gave me the good painkillers, so thanks doc for that. Hey, doc,” he says and then he raises his voice a bit to continue, “you’re a good man, doc. No, you’re a _great_ man.”

The older doctor grins at Auston when he says it and shows him a thumbs up in response. A small smile is still playing on his lips when he goes back to his papers.

“Only the best for you, Auston,” he says when he finally moves towards them. 

He quickly introduces himself to Mitch and he asks exactly zero questions about why the heck Mitch is currently holding hands with the team’s leading goal scorer. (Because that’s a thing that’s also happening right now and Mitch would freak the fuck out about it if he weren’t so goddamn relieved that Auston was okay and smiling and conscious. And like, there was again _literal_ growling when he tried to take his hand away from Auston so… yeah, that was not happening.)

The doctor also tells Auston and Mitch what to do and especially what _not_ to do when they get home (well, he tells all this to mostly Mitch because Auston seems pretty out of it – after the doctor’s first careful monologue, Auston’s only response was to compliment the doctor on his blue hoodie zipper, so both Mitch and the doctor kind of gave up on him after that). It’s a long list and Mitch tries to memorize everything, even asks the doctor a couple questions in the end to double check.

“So now I can take him home? There’s no like official procedure on who can take a player home?” Mitch asks because he feels like there should be something – like what if someone shows up and says that they want to take an injured player home and then, like, kidnap him?

The doctor looks at him a little funnily before he answers.

“Don’t worry we don’t just release players – especially players who are high on painkillers – with just anyone,” he says with a smile like he can read Mitch’s thoughts. “There is a procedure.”

Which is nice and all but it doesn’t actually answer Mitch’s original doubt. “So I can, like, still take him home now?”

Maybe Auston asking for him kind of overrode the procedure? But also like who would take Auston normally home? His family is not here to do that. Mitch has so many questions now.

“Yes, Mitch, you can take him home now. I mean, you are his emergency medical contact for a reason.”

Mitch freezes.

“I… what?”

“You didn’t know? I thought you were…”

And then he carefully doesn’t finish his sentence because – well, Mitch knows exactly why he didn’t finish his sentence. What would he even say? That he thought the two of them were… involved? Would that even be professional? Is any of this professional?

“I mean…. it makes sense,” Mitch says eventually to put the doctor out of his misery because suddenly he looks really awkward. “I’m like the closest thing he has to family in Toronto. I just didn’t know he put it down officially.”

And there is that and it’s not even a lie, and now the doctor can think whatever he wants to think, and then Auston can deal with the stupid circumstances later (he was the one who set Mitch as his emergency medical contact after all, so it’s his doing, really). All Mitch wants to do now is to get out of here.

And he finally does get to do that. They get Auston’s medicine in a little brown paper bag, and then Mitch carefully helps Auston into his car. He even fishes through Auston’s whole bag to find his keys to his stupid Honda, and then he’s behind the wheels and they’re finally, finally leaving the arena behind.

Auston’s barely awake throughout the journey – the painkillers knocked him out pretty much the moment they got into the car – and it’s a struggle to get him up to his apartment and to his bedroom and into his bed at the end. Mitch peels his shoes and hoodie off and then tries to yank his duvet out from underneath his body. He struggles for a couple minutes before he manages to convince Auston to please sit up for a bit so that he can get under his blanket. He’s doing it all on autopilot because he knows he needs to get Auston settled before he can let the anxiety of the day wash over him and make him a tired mess.

“Don’t go, Mitch,” Auston whispers when Mitch is finally tucking the blanket around him.

“I’m not leaving, Matty. I’ll be just outside, okay? I’ll be here in the morning.”

“No, I mean… don’t go,” Auston says and he makes literal grabby hands toward Mitch.

“But I’m telling you I’m not…” is all Mitch manages to get out because then Auston interrupts him again.

“No, get into my bed, please. I don’t want to sleep alone. No, I mean, I want to sleep _with_ you.”

Fucking hell, Matty. Mitch knows you’re high on painkillers but _fucking hell_.

“Matty, you’re not…”

Auston finally opens his eyes.

“Please,” Auston whispers. 

He’s blinking up at Mitch sleepily and he looks so tired and vulnerable and Mitch knows he’s making his excuses right now but they've had such a long and anxious day, and Mitch was so scared and Auston must have been even more scared and…

“Okay,” Mitch says simply and Auston’s smile is the brightest thing Mitch has ever seen in his life.

So this is how they fall asleep: Auston’s broken fingers carefully placed on one side, Mitch sprawled out next to him on the other, their bodies only millimeters apart and not even touching – and it’s not what either of them wants, far from it, but it’s what they get to have, and right now, right now that’s all that matters.

*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments? Please?


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You want me to come home with you?”

Toronto always looks pretty in Mitch’s eyes (he has a Texas-sized soft spot for this stupid city and he’ll be the first to admit that) – but he’s also pretty sure everyone agrees that it looks _exceptionally_ pretty during Christmas time. And not even just the super dressed up, festive parts of the city that are all for the tourists: there are little smidgens of Christmas everywhere like tiny droplets of rain covering the whole city.

At least, that’s what Mitch sees now, as he’s standing on the balcony of Auston’s place holding a cup of hot Earl Grey in his hands. The place just opposite of Auston’s has some fairy lights hung up on its railings and the one next to that has a huge inflatable Santa Claus waving a slightly wrinkled hand at Mitch. And yeah, all the snow that fell the week before has melted away and the temperature is not even that low to be really Christmas-y but there’s something in the air that’s different, something that’s special and distinguishable.

If Mitch were a more sentimental person, he’d might just call it Christmas spirit – but yeah, no, he’s not _that_ sentimental.

(He did wake up next to a sleepwarm Auston Matthews, though, and in Mitch’s experience that always changes how Mitch sees the world. It’s like he’s this goddamn rose-tinted glass of Mitch’s existence.)

“You’re up early,” Auston says, appearing out of nowhere and Mitch is incredibly close to dropping his mug from the 10th floor.

“Fuck, why are _you_ up?” Mitch asks when he regains control over all of his limbs.

And honestly, it’s a valid question because when Mitch looks over at Auston he looks– well, he looks like someone who was boarded into the wall and broke three of his fingers as a result. He looks wrung out and tired but he doesn’t seem to be in a rush to crawl back to bed or take a nap for approximately two years.

“Couldn’t sleep,” Auston shrugs.

“Your fingers?”

Auston shrugs once again and makes a non-committal sound that Mitch decides to take as a yes. Morning Auston is a fascinating conversationalist – but it’s not like it was Mitch who decided that he wanted to have a conversation right now.

“Thank you for taking care of me yesterday,” Auston says and he sounds almost a little embarrassed when he says it.

Mitch doesn’t know if he’s embarrassed because he needed to be taken care of, you know, a big, buff hockey player in need of someone like Mitch, or because of all the things he’s said. Asking Mitch to sleep with him. Telling him all those stupid things with the doctors just a couple meters away from them.

Mitch has a lot of questions he doesn’t ask. It’s becoming a pattern with them – knowing full well what they’re never supposed to ask, never supposed to bring up.

“It wasn’t a big deal. It was a little scary but… you’ve been an okay patient so far.”

“I’m sorry.”

Mitch raises an eyebrow. “Sorry for being an okay patient? Perfectionist much, Matthews?”

“Sorry for scaring you,” Auston says simply, not even reacting to Mitch’s chirps.

And Mitch gets what he’s saying here. He knows that’s not all Auston means when he says he’s sorry. Because again, they both got really good at circling around subjects that they know they’re not supposed to talk about. So he hears the unsaid ‘I’m sorry I made you care and made you love me when I can’t do jackshit about it’. It still doesn’t make a difference.

Nothing ever seems to make a difference with the two of them. But it was Mitch who chose this, who thought that remaining friends would be the best possible outcome – it’s his doing and he has to live with that.

He doesn’t say any of this out loud, of course. He couldn’t.

“It’s almost Christmas,” Auston adds after they both spend a couple quiet seconds admiring the decoration the neighbors put up.

“Yeah,” Mitch says after Auston doesn’t continue because yeah, Auston, Mitch doesn’t really know what sort of answer you can expect to such a non-question.

“I think I’ll head home for a couple days. Maybe a week. My family was planning to come down to spend the holidays with me but now I don’t have any games so it seems kind of pointless for us to stay here.”

“Oh, okay,” Mitch says and he hopes he can keep the disappointment out of his voice but he’s not sure he succeeds.

And it’s not like Mitch was counting on Auston sticking around during Christmas so that they could celebrate it like they’re a family or something but Mitch _did_ expect him to be in Toronto at least. And now there’s something almost suffocating squeezing his chest because all he can see is his empty apartment and his tiny Christmas tree in the middle of it all and him standing all alone there. All alone again.

(Fuck, Mitch swears he was happy and fulfilled and shit this morning when he woke up. He doesn’t know where it went off the rails so fast.)

“I mean I still need to clear this with the trainers, to see if they’d prefer me not to travel or something but… yeah, I think I’ll do that and then head home for a bit to recharge.”

“That’s… yeah, that’s cool, Matty. Have fun, say hi to your mum for me.”

“Or you could do that yourself.”

And the ridiculous thing is that, for a second, Mitch doesn’t even get it.

“Do what myself?”

“Say hi to my mum.”

And even after that, it takes Mitch a good three or four seconds to finally, finally understand what Auston is saying here. Because Mitch is apparently a moron.

“You want me to come home with you?”

And this is truly getting ridiculous. Because they’ve had a conversation about this whole thing, and they’ve come to an agreement, and fuck, doesn’t Auston get that going home for Christmas with someone means _something_?

And Mitch hasn’t even asked him about the emergency contact thing. Mitch _really_ needs to ask him about that stupid emergency contact thing before he goes mad with confusion.

“Well, I mean… not _home_ home. We’re going to Arizona now that’s we’re all free to visit my grandma so I thought that… you’d might want to come back to Scottsdale with me.”

Oh god. Fucking hell. He _knows_ , damn it, he knows what’s happened, why is he saying this right now?

“You know I wasn’t planning on going home for Christmas, right?”

“Yeah. I mean, I guessed. You never really said what you’re actually doing for Christmas, here in Toronto. And I know it’s not about work because I know for a fact that you do get a couple days off even with all the games going on.”

Mitch feels like Auston is ganging up on him even though it’s still just the two of them on the spacious balcony.

“It’s only a couple of days and two long ass flights, you know it’s…” Mitch starts but he doesn’t get to finish his half-ass explanation because Auston interrupts him.

“Mitch, come on,” is all he says, all his words soft and almost caringly cautious.

Mitch takes a deep breath before he continues. His Earl Grey is almost cold now.

“I don’t want to go home. And you know that.”

Because Mitch knows that Auston knows. He knows that Auston is fully and perfectly aware of the fact that Mitch hates that place and that Mitch doesn’t want to go back to that place unless it’s legitimately a life or death situation.

“Okay, I do know you don’t want to go back. But it’s not like you actually talk about it.”

“What do you mean I don’t talk about it? I told you people were being shitty and that I didn’t want to live there anymore. I told you that.”

“But you wouldn’t even have to talk to the people there, Mitchy. We could literally just go home, you hang out with your family for a bit, I hang out with my family for a bit and then, you know, we hang out together.”

“For a bit,” Mitch adds, surprising even himself because he was definitely not in a joking mood. Maybe chirping Auston is in his blood and he just has to do it no matter what.

“Come home with me. I’ve been wanting to go back since forever and we could go to all the places we used to, like reliving the past or something and…”

It’s probably just a poor choice of words but they hit Mitch with an almost overwhelming a force – a feeling so visceral and so bitter, he almost feels them burning up his throat.

“No.”

“Oh. But…”

“I said no and please drop it, okay? Let’s go inside instead, I need to make sure you got your meds you were supposed to.”

“But I…” Auston says but Mitch doesn’t wait for him to finish, just heads inside and he goes so fast he almost spills the remains of his tea.

Auston comes back in a bit and he looks worried but he finally drops the topic of Arizona for the rest of the day. And when in the evening Mitch goes back to his own apartment, Auston lets him go without asking one last time – even though Mitch is fairly certain he’s dying to ask.

It doesn’t solve everything, though, because the words ‘reliving the past’ are swirling around in Mitch’s mind long after he’s left Auston’s place.

*

Mitch wasn’t planning on having an epiphany, he really wasn’t – but maybe epiphanies are really hard to plan.

Obviously, it’s his mum who calls him. He is, of course, rather busy staring at his wall and thinking about Auston’s Arizona trip and Auston’s stupid words and Auston himself but he’s generous enough to still pick up his mum’s call.

Mitch is great like that.

“Hi, honey,” his mum says and she sounds so cheerful that it almost immediately puts Mitch on alert.

Which sounds bad because his mum is A) a cheerful person in general, B) her happiness should make Mitch happy but there is still something in the way she says that _hi, honey_ that makes Mitch think that something is up. Something big.

“Hi, mum. How’s life?”

“Terrific, really great. But you know what would make it even better?”

Mitch has a distant feeling that it’s going to be one of those tricky question. Mitch doesn’t like tricky questions.

“What?” he asks finally because his mum’s still waiting.

“If my own son would actually pick up his phone and tell me himself that he’s coming home for Christmas. Obviously, I’m thrilled you’ll actually be here but you could have really told me this yourself. To find it out from Ema Matthews, of all people, that you and Auston are coming home, really, Mitch, you could have called.”

For fuck’s sake, Auston.

“I’m… not coming home, mum.”

And he knows he’s breaking his mum’s heart, probably right this second, but he also knows that he has to. What else is he supposed to say? He can’t lead her on.

“Oh.”

“Yeah. I’m sorry you got, like, excited for no reason but…”

“No, I… it’s okay. I should have known,” his mum says and the disappointment is almost palpable in her voice.

“You got my presents, though, right?” Mitch asks.

His mum doesn’t answer for a bit and Mitch knows that his question was a pathetic attempt to distract his mum from the issue, just like his presents were a pathetic attempt to make up for his lack of presence at Christmas. He knew that already when he’s bought them: he was definitely overcompensating with the fancy set of knives for his mum and a signed Leafs jersey for his dad (a jersey he actually had to pay for because apparently merch is merch even if you work for the freaking team). But he was feeling guilty back then and he’s feeling guilty now and he’d do the same thing because there’s nothing else he can do for them, to show them that he loves and appreciates them.

And Mitch doesn’t want to say that he would rather walk through fire than go back to the place his parents brought him up because it’s not fair to his mum or to his dad – it’s not their fault that it ended up being like that for Mitch. And he knows it sounds like he’s hated his childhood or something and that’s not true, not like _that_ , but he’s been hurt in Scottsdale and by Scottsdale a lot, and it stung, and Mitch doesn’t think the scars have healed, and frankly, he’s scared to check.

He just doesn’t know how he could ever learn to love a place that doesn’t love him back – it’s as simple as that.

“Yeah, we got them. The wrapping looks lovely.”

And the stupidest and most ironic thing is this: that one sentence, that simple ‘ _the wrapping looks lovely_ ’ is what breaks Mitch.

Or no, maybe it’s not that sentence, just everything that’s behind its meaning. That his mum is heartbroken that her son never fucking bothers to show up for them but even then, she still doesn’t push the issue, she still doesn’t ask him to come or plead him. That she’s willing to talk about wrapping paper because she knows that it hurts Mitch, too, to have to talk about this, to have to shut her down.

Or no, maybe it’s not even that. Maybe it was always inevitable, like so many things have been in Mitch’s life lately. Maybe Mitch has already decided when Auston asked him. Maybe he was just playing hard to get, or just plain stupid. Or he just got really good at lying to himself. And maybe he was never supposed to run from his past for so long – maybe he should have faced it way sooner.

Or no, maybe not even that. Maybe it’s just Mitch realizing that his mum is a great fucking person and that he should be spending Christmas with her. And that the only thing stopping him is not Scottsdale and not Arizona and not the stupid neighbors who insisted on deadnaming him even after he asked.

No, the only thing that’s stopping him is himself.

“I’ll go home, mum.”

“What?”

“I’ll take a flight out with Matty tomorrow. If that’s okay with you.”

His mum is completely silent for a really long moment.

“Oh honey. Of course, it’s okay. I… I’m so happy you’ll be here.”

And there’s dread in Mitch’s stomach and there are a whole bunch of questions he can’t answer right now, but he still can’t stifle the small smile that breaks out on his face after his mum’s words.

“Me too, mum. I’m coming home.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the lack of updates and sorry if it feels rushed (it feels rushed to me, so...) but I really, really wanted to write this - and life totally got in the way.
> 
> I mean, I was mostly on vacation but I've taken the first step to finally get on T (yay for me) and I also got a new puppy (the cutest ever Dachsund puppy, he's my everything now) and I also moved to a new place so... Yeah, life's been busy lately.
> 
> Comments are still, still so appreciated. (Like, I keep refreshing the page after I uploaded to look for a new comment even though, I am fully aware of the fact that AO3 _will _actually let me know if there is one.)__


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mitch might have had an epiphany but that doesn’t mean he’s not still pissed as hell at Auston for telling his mum about the Arizona trip without even asking him in the first place.

Mitch might have had an epiphany but that doesn’t mean he’s not still pissed as hell at Auston for telling his mum about the Arizona trip without even asking him in the first place.

Because he is. Very pissed at him for the record. And not even just pissed, he feels _disappointed_ in him – which is definitely the worse out of the two. Because if you’re pissed at someone, you can move on from that after a bit of a cooling down period and a good apology from the other person. But when you’re disappointed in someone, that cuts deeper and hurts more – and worst of all, the feeling lingers for a long time, raising its ugly head during the most unfortunate times.

And maybe he shouldn’t even be pissed. Maybe he should call Auston now and ask him why the fuck he told his mum he was coming with him when he knew fully well Mitch wouldn’t want to – he said it himself, he _knew_ he didn’t want to come to Arizona. And sure, Auston couldn’t possibly expect that his mum then would go on to tell Mitch’s mum – it’s entirely acceptable that it was all just a big misunderstanding from both Auston’s part and Auston’s mum’s part. Sure, that’s a completely plausible explanation.

But maybe Mitch wouldn’t be so pissed at Auston if it was the first time when he didn't stop to consider how a certain situation would make Mitch feel. He could probably be simply pissed at him and wait for an apology and get over himself. But Auston Matthews keeps fucking up and Mitch might be oversensitive or he might have higher expectations for others than he should but– fuck, why does it always have to be Mitch who has to be the bigger person? He gets how hard it is to navigate life when you’re in the closet, he truly gets it, but it’s not an excuse for the way Matty’s been treating him – it’s only an explanation and that means shit right now to a pissed off Mitch. And maybe him telling his mum that Mitch would come to Arizona has nothing to do with his previous mistakes, has nothing to do with continuously breaking Mitch’s heart – but it feels like it is the final straw.

So pissed off Mitch does the only thing he can think of: he goes to Arizona and he doesn’t tell Auston.

*

When his mum picks him up at the airport, he simultaneously feels like a little kid and the most grown-up he’s ever felt. He had a layover in Chicago and his flight to Phoenix was delayed by almost two hours so by the time he gets to arrivals and spots his mum waiting for him, all he can do is envelope himself in her waiting arms.

His mum’s shorter than him and she feels petite under his arms but she still wears the same flowery perfume she used to when Mitch was younger and it’s almost painfully familiar. They stand there hugging for almost a whole minute, holding each other close, not saying a word.

And it’s not like Mitch hasn’t seen his mum in years. They video chat every week so Mitch is not surprised by the growing number of wrinkles around her eyes but seeing someone through a little screen is never going to be the same as getting to hold them close. Technology is cool and shit and Mitch appreciates it but nothing can replace hugging his mum in person.

“You must be exhausted,” his mum says when they finally let go of each other.

“I hate layovers,” Mitch says simply and he’s pretty certain that answers his mum’s question.

His mum still doesn’t move towards the exit and Mitch would get almost impatient with her but she’s looking over him like she’s cataloguing that he still has all his limbs intact – and yeah, okay, Mitch thinks that’s allowed for mums who haven’t seen their kid in almost a year.

“You’re way too skinny.”

Mitch groans. “Mum.”

“Well, you are. I’m pretty sure you live on coffee again.”

Blatantly untrue, how dare she. (Mitch might have consumed three cups today already but he’s had two long-ass flights – he deserved it.)

His mum takes his silence as the answer she was looking for. Yeah, Mitch definitely feels like a kid now.

“Anyway, where did you leave Auston?”

“I came alone,” Mitch says simply, almost casually, and when his mum doesn’t react, he genuinely thinks that he got away with it.

Then his mum reacts. “What do you mean you came alone? Wasn’t that the whole plan, the two of you coming home for Christmas?”

Mitch is a light traveler but even his small duffel feels a little too heavy now.

“It was the plan and now it’s not the plan. Can we go home now?” he says and he can’t help but sound annoyed with his mum’s question.

His mum stares at him with a curious expression on her face. Mitch hates how much he’s dying to know what she’s thinking about.

“Sure, honey. I made your favorite soup and Chris and Anna are joining us today. You’ll like her,” she says eventually, and when they finally make their way out of arrivals, Mitch thanks his lucky stars that his mum dropped the topic so easily.

*

Or more precisely, Mitch thanks his lucky stars right until he gets home. Because as much as his mum was understanding of his ‘I do not even want to acknowledge the existence of Auston Matthews’ feelings, Mitch’s family does not only consist of his mum.

And yeah, Chris can be pretty fucking insistent when he wants to know something.

“You guys got into a fight?” he says immediately after Mitch tells him the same answer he gave to his mum.

“No, we didn’t. Could you pass me the salt, please?”

Chris is very definitely not passing him the salt.

“Mitchell,” he says instead.

Mitch sighs. Fine, he can eat the soup as it is. He doesn’t fucking need the salt.

“Yes, dear brother of mine.”

“What happened with Auston again? Because, let me tell you, buddy, you guys’ relationship seems like a fucking rollercoaster to me.”

You don’t tell, Chris. What an observation, Mitch would have never figured this out on his own.

“Which part of I don’t fucking want to talk about Auston did you not understand, Chris?” Mitch groans.

“Language,” his mum says but she doesn’t sound like she actually means it. Mitch is pretty sure their mum has already given up on parenting them – they’re a done project in her eyes.

“You never actually told me not to talk about him,” Chris smirks and his girlfriend, Anna visibly rolls her eyes at his smugness.

Mitch likes Anna. Mitch wants Chris and Anna to get married and then divorced so that then he can visibly take Anna’s side instead of Chris’.

“Okay, then I’ll tell you now. I don’t wish to partake in a conversation about Auston Matthews.”

“Wait, is that the hockey player Auston Matthews?” Anna quips in suddenly.

Okay, never mind. Mitch is not going to take anyone’s side in this hypothetical divorce.

“Yeah, he and Mitch are buddies,” Chris says instead of fucking asking Mitch if he is even allowed to say that.

(Although why would he not be able to say that? It’s not like Chris even knows that Auston is gay – let alone the fact that he’s the asshole who keeps pushing Mitch away at every possible opportunity.)

“Nice. Is that how you got into hockey? Chris said you were working for the Leafs.”

Mitch freezes.

And it’s stupid that he does because it’s not only a valid question, it’s also a completely innocent one. He could just say yes and Anna would nod and that would be it. But the thing is, Mitch doesn’t actually want to say yes – and not because it’s not true but because he hates just _how_ true it is.

Because even his fucking job, even his fucking education and interests and everything else that led him to Toronto is, again, down to fucking Auston Matthews. Which is just pathetic and Mitch feels pathetic because why does Auston Matthews have such an impact on his life? Who does he think he is? And what is even Mitch, a stupid puppy hanging onto his every move?

Auston gets into hockey, so Mitch does, too. Auston ignores Mitch in high school, so Mitch does, too. Auston wants to rekindle their friendship, so Mitch does, too. Auston doesn’t want a relationship, so Mitch doesn’t get to be in one either.

It’s always Auston and it’s always the other people, who gossip and who deadname Mitch and who stop talking to him when he comes out. It’s always someone else who dictates how Mitch’s life is – it’s always up to them where Mitch lives and where Mitch works and where Mitch travels to and who Mitch is allowed to fall in love with.

Mitch wants to decide just fucking once in his life.

And maybe it’s time he actually did.

“Yeah, mostly. I started really getting into stats and stuff back in college, though, and that’s how I ended up working for the Leafs,” he says eventually like he didn’t just have a mental breakdown in his mind.

“Cool,” Anna says and then they drift to another topic like nothing of importance has happened here.

Chris drops the topic of Auston, though, almost too quickly in Mitch’s opinion. When he looks over at Chris, he catches him watching Mitch with a curious expression on his face.

It’s almost the same one that his mum had on her face and Mitch doesn’t know what he’s supposed to do with this information.

*

Mitch gets four blissful hours of peace before Auston figures it out.

He finishes his dinner with Chris and Anna and his mum by the time his dad gets home from the office but they stay with him in the kitchen while he eats, sipping iced coffee his mum made for them. Now, Christmas is definitely in the air with all its familial cheer – even though it looks strikingly different from what Christmas looked like in Toronto.

Just this morning, the snow started falling heavily in Canada but by the time Mitch got home, he was wearing a T-shirt and was feeling peachy doing so. Still Christmas is indisputably there – in the house decorated with Christmas lights, and the little red ribbons tied to every doorknob, and naturally, in the lit-up Christmas tree. There’s even the low murmur of the Top 50 Christmas Pop playlist that Chris hates but their dad loves – and it looks and sounds and tastes exactly as Mitch remembers Christmas to be.

So yeah, for four blissful hours he swims in the feelings that overcome him – because this is what it used to feel like. And for a second, he even entertains the idea that Matty might not have been that bad when he wanted to relive the past. Maybe reliving the past is good sometimes.

(Then he thinks of the whispers in the grocery store and a lady from their neighborhood deliberately ignoring him when he called after her. There are parts of his past Mitch knows that he would never ever want to relive, no matter how many Christmas traditions he misses from his childhood.)

Then the doorbell rings.

“Are we expecting someone?” Chris asks. Anna is resting her head on his shoulders and she seems tired and slightly buzzed from the mulled wine Mitch’s mum managed to pull out of nowhere, and when Mitch looks over at them, he smiles at how at ease they look with each other.

Mitch also doesn’t miss the look his mum sends his way after Chris’ question.

“Not that I know of,” she says as she raises from the sofa to get the door.

And Mitch has absolutely no explanation for why he already knows it’s Auston Matthew standing outside.

(Or maybe the fact that Mitch turned his phone off yesterday morning and has not switched it on ever since, is an explanation. Or maybe not. Maybe it’s just wishful thinking.)

“Well, isn’t this a surprise?” Mitch hears his mum say. He doesn’t want to look up at them. He still knows he has to.

Auston looks even more tired than he looked yesterday morning and his bandaged hand is hanging in an almost awkward angle on his right side. He’s also wearing a baseball cap and the very definition of non-descriptive clothing as well as a duffel on his good shoulder and Mitch wonders whether he came here straight from the airport.

“Hey, everyone,” Auston says, sounding as awkward as he looks.

“Have you had dinner already? I could reheat some for you,” Mitch’s mum offers.

“No, thank you, I… that’s very kind of you but I actually have something I need to ask Mitch. If that’s okay.”

The room is eerily quiet around them and Mitch doesn’t know what his family is thinking at the moment but he’s suddenly very invested in getting Auston out of this house.

“Let’s go outside,” he says and no one says anything while they leave the room.

(Mitch has a feeling Auston has managed to land him at least three awkward conversations with different family member once their talk was over. Mitch is not happy with that development.)

The door barely even shuts behind them but Auston is already talking.

“What is your problem, Mitch?”

And you know, call Mitch naïve or something but he genuinely did not expect this.

“What do you mean what is my problem?”

“Don’t play stupid,” Auston says darkly and _that_ , that pisses Mitch off again.

“Well, I could ask you the same.”

Auston raises an eyebrow at him and it looks so cynical Mitch kind of hates him for it.

“Oh, okay, I’m sorry, did I also fuck off to Arizona without saying a word? After blowing up at me for even suggesting it in the first place?”

How fucking dare he say that.

“No, you’re just the person who went ahead and told his mother who then told my mother that I was coming home. Who was then completely heartbroken when I told her I wasn’t coming. Was this your sneaky little plan all along? Are you that hung up on reliving our fucking past that you had to go behind my back to get me here?”

Auston looks back at him, looking completely dumbfounded.

“What the fuck are you talking about?”

“Because news flash, asshole: it was a shitty thing to do.”

“You know I didn’t plan any of this, right? It’s not my fault my mum misunderstood me and thought us coming was a done deal already.”

And he genuinely looks like someone who’s telling the truth and maybe Mitch should turn this a bit down, take a little time out to cool off because this stupid misunderstanding (if it really is one) is not worth fucking their friendship up for a thousandth time – not with how much effort Mitch put in to keep it alive and afloat.

But maybe this has never been about Auston trying to convince him of this trip even when he should have known Mitch didn’t want this. Maybe this has _always_ been inevitable.

Because Auston has already told Mitch that he didn’t want him: that he didn’t want him because he’s a guy and he’s trans and he’s Mitch. And sure, he also told him that he liked him and if it was up to him it would be different – but then who _is_ it up to? Who gets to decide their relationship and his own feelings if not Auston himself? And why is it Mitch again who has to smile and nod and just take the situation as it is presented to him without anyone ever asking what he wanted?

Mitch has spent over 24 years letting people dictate his every move. He let them leave him behind, he let them call him names, and he let them hound him out of his own home. And if Auston doesn’t want to stand up to the very same people then that’s his choice. But Mitch is starting to realize that he deserves better. And he can’t have that until Auston is dragging him down. Because Mitch has lived in shame for so long – he finally wants to be proud of who is. And he wants people around him who are proud of him too: proud of him as he actually _is_.

“You know, maybe I just got sick of you always getting what you want while I play along,” Mitch says eventually and Auston looks taken aback for a second.

“Why would you think that?”

“Maybe because you’ve been shutting me down for the past months even though you know it’s not fair to me?”

Auston sighs.

“I thought you understood why I can’t do this, Mitch. I thought you were okay with how things were between us.”

And again, Mitch doesn’t know why this is all coming out now – over something so stupid and so small compared to all their other issues. But Mitch is starting to think that maybe he was never okay with how things were between them and he just got really good at lying to himself about it.

“Then I guess I changed my mind about it. I understand how shitty it must have felt like to be treated like that because you were gay, Auston. But if I can understand where you’re coming from, then you have to understand as well, just how shitty it was how _you_ treated me as a result.”

“Mitchy…”

“I think I’m done, Auston.”

Auston freezes and his voice is very cautious when he responds. “Done with what?”

And Mitch doesn’t want to say the answer out loud but he doesn’t think there’s anything left he can do.

“Us. I can’t pretend to be your friend when I know I’d want more. And I can’t pretend to be your friend when you never cared about how this all made me feel. I spent so long hiding who I was and going stealth and running from my past, and I can’t keep doing that. And you saying that you don’t want me because I’m trans is basically me agreeing that I really am that worthless. And maybe it wasn’t your intention, Auston, but you know it is what it is.”

Mitch doesn’t know how he managed to keep his voice so even and calm during his monologue but you know, Christmas miracles might actually exist.

“I’m… I didn’t know you felt this way, Mitch,” Auston says and he, on the other hand, definitely sounds scared; almost frustrated.

“I’m honestly not sure I did,” Mitch adds and shrugs his shoulder.

Auston takes a deep breath. “I still didn’t plan this. You have to know that.”

Mitch can’t help but let out a little dark laugh at that. “I know, Auston. I’m not even mad about that anymore – I don’t think I ever really was. But I think this just… I guess, tied together a lot of loose ends and loose feelings, you know?”

“I… what are you saying here, Mitch?”

And it’s dark outside and it’s almost Christmas and Mitch is looking into the eyes of the man he’s spent so long loving and he opens his mouth to push him out of his life for good.

“I’m saying this is an ultimatum. Not a fair ultimatum, I know, but an ultimatum regardless.”

“What? So you’re saying that I either date you and shout how much I love you from the rooftops or…”

“Yeah, that ultimatum.”

“But what’s the or? What’s the other option here you’re so graciously giving me?” Auston asks and again, Mitch wants to punch him for mocking him.

(Even though he sees how scared Auston is, how utterly _lost_ he looks.)

“Or it was nice knowing you.”

“Mitch.”

“Give me an answer.”

And Auston doesn’t say anything for one second, and then two and then ten and twenty, and then a whole minute has passed, just the two of them standing there in silence.

Mitch guesses that’s as good of an answer as any.

“Then have a very merry Christmas, Auston. And a good life, too.”

And when he goes in, Auston doesn’t stop him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, the final scene from Season 5 of Cheers when Sam is looking up at Diane's disappearing form and says 'Have a good life' changed me as a person.
> 
> Also, I'm not saying you should expect more regular updates from me from now on - but we _are_ getting to the final stage of this fic and I am, in general, very eager to write the final scenes of any story of mine. 
> 
> I'm a sucker for a good ending, what else can I say.
> 
> (Also comments definitely do make me write faster. It's science.)


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He will forever have a complicated relationship with Arizona, and he knows that’s never going to go away – but he is who is today because of this place.

It’s almost fitting that Mitch actually ends up enjoying his time in Arizona – because after all this drama, that statement sounds just as ridiculous as Mitch’s life seems to be lately. Or more precisely, Mitch has some very good and some very _bad_ memories about his trip but, all in all, the good seems to outweigh the bad.

Because the bad is this:

He goes to take a walk with Chris and Anna, bumps into two of his old classmates who call him Hailey and then go away before Mitch could even do anything about it. They just leave him hanging with no chance to stand up for himself and anger coils in Mitch’s stomach.

They cut their walk short after that, and it takes a good hour for Mitch to finally crack a smile at a joke Chris tells him.

The bad also goes like this:

Mitch’s paternal grandmother breaks into tears when she spots him. Mitch thinks they’re happy tears, _haven’t seen you in ages, darling_ tears. Then he hears his dad mutter “We’ve talked about this, Mum,” to which his grandma says “But why is she still doing this? I thought it would pass.”

It’s a very bad Christmas dinner even though the turkey is, as always, magnificent.

And then the bad, unavoidably, also goes like this:

Auston Matthews does not talk to Mitch. No phone calls, no visits, not even a single text. It’s like he’s disappeared from the face of the Earth, leaving nothing but disappointment behind and Mitch’s heart aches like it never did before.

But even with all this shit going on, Mitch is telling the truth when he says that the good outweighs the bad. Because he and Anna become fast buddies, ganging up on Chris in all the board games they play. And his mum cooks all his favorites, and they go out to the Waffle House Mitch used to love, and he and his dad watch the Yotes completely annihilate Nashville while snacking on homemade tortilla and guac.

And the really good goes like this:

Mitch dreads going to the grocery store here (it’s big, and there’s nowhere to hide and there’s always _someone_ Mitch knows) but when his mum asks him if he could pop down to get some eggs she forgot, Mitch doesn’t really have a good reason to refuse her.

Safeway is the closest to their house, so he takes his mum’s car and drives there. He takes his time parking, carefully lining up the car between two SUVs and he even gets out to double-check if he’s not over the line or something.

When he steps in and gets hit by the aircon, he instinctively pulls himself closer – tries to take up as little space as possible. He miraculously finds the eggs in almost no time (which is very unexpected, he knows, Mitch never knows where anything is in a store), and he almost gets to checkout, too, without even spotting a single soul.

Then he naturally does spot someone – someone he knows, too.

“Hi, there. I didn’t expect to bump into you, here,” says a cheerful Mrs. Ferguson.

Mrs. Ferguson used to be Mitch’s principal all through his high school years. In the last six years, she definitely got older (trying to get all those horny teenagers to listen is one hell of a job), but she still has a kind smile on her face and Mitch almost relaxes.

Almost. Because Mitch was not in high school when he started his transition and frankly, he has no idea what Mrs. Ferguson thinks – and he’s been conditioned to assume the worse.

“Hi, Mrs. Ferguson. Came home for the holidays, you know,” Mitch says, and he can’t keep out the defensiveness from his voice.

“Oh, silly me, I should have thought of that. I did bump into your mum the other day. She said that you’re doing really well up in Canada.”

Mitch lets out a little laugh at that, and he finally lets his hand unclench.

“You know how mums are. They’re always exaggerating.”

Mrs. Ferguson laughs at that, too. “Well, I don’t know anything about hockey but my husband worships the Coyotes and when I told him an old student of mine was working for the Toronto Maple Leafs, he was plenty impressed – and I tend to believe him when it comes to sports. Well, the _only_ time I tend to believe him is when it comes to sports.”

“Then I guess I’ll trust his judgement, too,” Mitch says and it sounds like a great conversation ender – polite and succinct. Now, Mitch can get the hell out of here.

Mrs. Ferguson has other ideas, though.

“Mitch, before I let you go, I wanted thank you.”

“Thank me?”

Because what would someone, who hasn’t even seen Mitch in over half a decade, want to thank him for?

“I know you left Scottsdale for a reason. Or, no, I shouldn’t presume that. But I know your coming out was not… well-received in the community. And while I try to make sure that the school is as inclusive as possible, I’m sure it still wasn’t a completely safe place for you back then. And I’m really sorry about that. But things are changing and you did open a lot of eyes here.”

Mrs. Ferguson speaks slowly like she knows every point she wants to make by heart.

“And I think you should also now that you made a difference; that you made it easier for people after you. There’s a lovely girl, one of the sophomore girls, who came out as transgender this year. And we had a chat and I mentioned you, and she said that knowing that her principal was so proud of a trans student made it easier to let me know when someone was making trouble for her. And she’s had a bit of a rough time but she’s still friends with a lot of guys on the basketball team and they have come such a long way and… I thought it was important you knew that. That even though you don’t live here anymore, you did leave a legacy – and that it’s not just being best friends with Auston Matthews, you know. Even though, I hope you two are still friends. That boy needs people like you – and I was so glad when he got traded to Toronto.”

Mitch is completely speechless, even though he knows that Mrs. Ferguson is clearly waiting for an answer.

(If he had some spare brain capacity left, he would also probably snicker at the irony how seemingly everyone think that his legacy is being best friends with Auston Matthews. Like they barely even hung out in high school, how does Mrs. Ferguson even know that?)

“Sorry, I didn’t want to…” Mrs. Ferguson starts and she looks almost embarrassed – and that finally snaps Mitch out of his trance.

“No, no, I… I really do appreciate you telling me this,” is all he’s able to say, though, because wow.

Because Mitch has never ever thought he’d hear someone, someone from Scottsdale, say this. He’s taken aback and shocked and surprised – but in a really, really good way.

“Do let me know if that girl…”

“Megan,” Mrs. Ferguson supplies when she realizes Mitch doesn’t know her name.

“Do let me know if Megan wants to talk to someone who, you know, gets what it’s like. I’m sure she can find like-minded people in Phoenix but maybe… if she wants to talk to someone who’s from around here and is also trans, I’d be happy to help her.”

Mrs. Ferguson’s smile is as warm as Mitch remembers it to be.

“Thank you, Mitch,” she says simply.

When they finally say goodbye and Mitch walks out of Safeway, it’s with a carton of eggs in one hand and a huge smile on his face.

So really, all in all, Mitch is happy he came home – he truly is. Because it feels like he’s taken Scottsdale back for himself and he feels that the next time he comes, it will be even easier and freer.

But he also thinks he’s moved on from his childhood and Arizona and he only really understands it when he goes out to the baseball field that he and Matty and a bunch of their friends used to go to.

It’s empty when Mitch gets there and the sun is just setting. The last rays of sunshine frame the diamond in a spectacular color of blood orange, and even though, it’s actually getting a little chilly, Mitch feels like he starts sweating as a reflex. They used to spend their whole summer here – biking out to the field in the early morning and practicing for hours, and then getting home for lunch when the heat became unbearable even for them. Then they always got back for the evening, too, but the field was usually occupied by then by older boys and girls. It didn’t usually bother Mitch and his friends, though, because there was something precious in getting to watch them, huddled together on the benches with his buddies, sipping Mountain Dew or sweet lemonade.

And as Mitch looks out at the empty field, he is hit by a thousand memories – vivid and colorful images and too loud laughter and sticky cans of soda spilt over each other.

And Mitch is glad it happened and he’s glad it happened like that. He will forever have a complicated relationship with Arizona, and he knows that’s never going to go away – but he is who is today because of this place. Because of his friends. Because of his family. Because of Auston.

He is who he is because of all this. But it’s still up to him who he will become, and that thought puts a smile on his face. Mitch loves Arizona with all its fault but he’s so excited to be back in Toronto, too, and honestly, it’s more than he ever imagined for himself.

He hangs around until it gets completely dark, playing with a baseball someone left behind and the dry air and the smell of grass and dirt and rubber calms something in him that has been howling thunderously for years now.

*

By the time Mitch gets back to Toronto, he’s happy to report that he’s only spending about 90% of his waking moments thinking about Auston. He thinks it’s great progress and by his calculations, he will eventually stop thinking about him in approximately 4.5 years.

Okay, maybe not such great progress. But it’s still finally getting over Auston which is always going to be a win in his eyes.

“I’m not going to lie, I am a little disappointed, man,” Willy says. Or at least, Mitch thinks he says that because Willy’s mouth is full of cheese and beef and tomatoes from this amazing cheeseburger they’ve all just ordered.

It was Willy who suggested that they try out this new burger place the day before New Year’s Eve, and when Mitch heard his idea, he snatched the opportunity. He came back from Arizona with the firm conviction that he would start leading a happy and fulfilling life from now on, free from all Auston-related drama, and a dinner out with friends seemed like the perfect way of doing exactly that.

Of course, the topic of Mitch’s fight with Auston comes up like two seconds into the dinner.

(Mitch didn’t tell Zach and Willy the actual reason for their fight – he might hate Auston right now but outing him to even more people has always been out of the question.)

“I’m also dying to ask why you guys no longer talk but I get that it’s personal. But just for the record, I am disappointed that you won’t get to spend more time in the company of such a beautiful man,” Willy says.

Zach groans. Alex sighs. Mitch just shakes his head a little with an amused smile.

“Yeah, it’s a shame,” he agrees but then he quickly changes the topic. “So what have I missed over the past couple days? I saw the Instagram stories, Willy. They were sick.”

Willy’s grinning back at him. “Right? Even Kyle thought so, too. And for a GM, he usually has a lot to say about our social media presence so like… I don’t know, I was relieved when he said how impressed he was with them. Although…”

Mitch swallows two whole bites by the time Willy goes on with his sentence.

“Although, he was a bit distracted yesterday. I didn’t want to probe because it seemed like it was some, I don’t know, personal shit, but he’s usually all laser focus. And then yesterday he was all over the place.”

“What, you’re criticizing the GM now, Willy? What are you, a Leafs fan?” Alex snorts.

“So what’s your theory, Willy? He’s having another kid? Or is he cooking up a new trade to manage that defensive fuckery we have going on on the right side?”

“I genuinely don’t know. All I know is that he looked like there was something really bothering him. Or maybe stressing him out.”

And while Mitch usually appreciates a good piece of office gossip, there’s something in the way he says those words that send a chill down Mitch’s spine.

“I hope he figures it out,” Mitch says eventually and Willy hums his agreement and they drop the subject.

And not for the first time in his life, Mitch wishes they didn’t drop it that soon. Because maybe it wouldn’t have hit him so much if he thought about it more, if he had time to figure it out for himself. Maybe he would have put two and two together sooner.

There’s a lot of ifs and woulds there – and none of them really make a difference.

It starts out almost innocuously, too, with only Willy’s phone buzzing three, four, five times in quick succession.

“Someone’s popular tonight,” Zach teases Willy as they all stare at his phone, screen still facing the table.

“I’m always popular, Zachary,” he replies with a casual smile.

The smile drops pretty quickly from his face, though, when he hits the home button on his phone. And as the color drains from Willy’s face, it seems like the whole diner quiets down around them – almost like even the other patrons get that there is something _huge_ happening.

Or maybe it’s all in Mitch’s head but when he spots the expression on Willy’s face, he’s suddenly ready for the very worst.

“Fuck.”

“What happened?” Alex asks, now also looking worried.

“Fuck, I need to go in, this is…” he starts and then when he looks up, he immediately looks at Mitch. “I think you need to see this, man.”

He turns his phone around to show Mitch the screen, and for a second, all Mitch sees is how much Willy’s fingers are trembling. Then he sees his screen.

It has an Instagram post open on it: a simple picture a rainbow flag thrown over a pair of hockey skates with no caption or explanation provided. And Mitch almost asks why that is such a big deal, why that is something to freak out about when he spots the account who posted it.

It’s Auston’s.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You know the feeling when you ironically start finishing every chapter with a cliffhanger and then suddenly it becomes everything but ironic? Like, I feel physically incapable of not writing a cliffhanger, send help.
> 
> COMMENTS!! I mean. Please. If you'd like. But no pressure


	23. Chapter 23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> But I think there comes a time in everyone’s life, when you can’t keep it a secret anymore – and my moment came now.

Mitch is freezing by the time he gets to Auston’s place. He took the subway to diner with the guys so he thought he’d be fine with wearing just a thick hoodie (Mitch is still an idiot when it comes to actual winter weather, he knows his Arizona blood is showing, shut up) but now he’s painfully aware of his stupidity as he’s basically freezing to his death on Auston’s doorstep. Like, he’s pretty sure his fingers are about to drop off which is honestly quiet unfortunate for his future.

Auston Matthews, answer your fucking door.

But Mitch punched in his door number ten minutes ago and there’s no answer and Mitch keeps waiting and waiting but nothing happens. He pulls his phone out and calls Matty there, too, but to no avail. Mitch leaves two voicemails for him, and sends at least a dozen texts. He doesn’t even dare to guess how many missed calls Auston will have from him when he finally checks his phone. How the fuck can you come out on Instagram and then just not pick up your phone when your best friend calls?

(Holy shit, Auston came out. Holy shit.

And are you still best friends, Mitch? Are you really?)

But by the time Mitch has spent thirty minutes waiting outside Auston’s building, he can no longer think about the cold, or the adrenalin cursing through his veins, or even his frustration at Auston for not picking up his fucking phone. Because Auston did something that he was scared as hell to do and now he’s not answering his phone and Mitch doesn’t know where he even is, if he has someone with him or he’s alone, let alone knowing if he’s okay or freaking out or panicking or–

Mitch dials Willy’s number.

“Is he in there with you guys?” he asks without even bothering to say hello.

“No,” Willy says immediately. Mitch hears a lot of voices in the background, talking loudly over each other. It sounds more like a beehive than an office, nervous energy all over the place. Mitch guesses Auston’s impromptu coming out was not a planned PR move.

“Fuck,” Mitch whispers and runs a hand through his hair, pulling at the ends almost painfully hard. “Fuck.”

“He’s not at his place?” Willy asks and maybe Mitch just imagines the drop in the background volume, but suddenly he feels like everyone there is listening in on their conversation.

“No, fuck,” Mitch says again but he has no other words in his vocabulary at the moment.

And Willy says he’s sorry and that he’ll let Mitch know if he knows anything and then something else too, but it does nothing to calm his nerves, so by the time he hangs up on him, he’s basically vibrating with anxiety. He calls Auston one last time but this time it doesn’t even go through – his phone either already turned off or finally ran out of steam from all the incoming calls Mitch is sure he’s getting.

Mitch is ready to start crying when one last idea pops into his head. It’s a long shot and he feels pathetic that he doesn’t know anyone else Auston could have gone to in Toronto (and he feels for him, fuck, because what if there is _no one_ else he could go to).

He’s actually surprised when Kyle picks up his phone in the middle of this turmoil.

“Hi, it’s Mitch Marner,” Mitch says a little out of breath. “I… I think you hate me now, and I’ll apologize for this a hundred times over but I kind of need a favor.”

Mitch doesn’t know which one of them is more surprised when Kyle lets out a tired laugh.

“Is this on behalf of our lost sheep? Because we would really appreciate if he actually got back to us.”

“You also don’t know where he is?” Mitch asks.

“Mitch, I’m so far from knowing anything Auston Matthews does or thinks that it’s not even funny anymore.”

Mitch almost winces at that. Almost.

“But we’ll handle this, okay? This is not ideal but it’s definitely manageable. Tell him this if he’s there, okay?”

“He did tell you before, right?”

The question slips out of Mitch’s mouth almost without permission. Mitch doesn’t know how he can even be thinking about this right now when all he wanted was a quick favor and nothing else but deep down, he knows he needs to know whether Kyle and the team is okay with this before he faces Auston. Because he doesn’t want to tell him that it’s all going to be okay with them if he doesn’t know it for sure – not after all that Auston went through in Nashville, not will all those false promises and broken assurances.

Kyle is silent for a bit but when he answers he sounds sure of himself – he sounds solid and truthful. “He did, Mitch, just before Christmas.”

“Oh,” is all Mitch says but there’s probably something in his voice because Kyle goes on without asking.

“And I told him the same thing I would tell anyone who ever decided to come out to me. That the team has their backs whatever they decide to do and that it doesn’t make a difference to us.”

“I…”

“Don’t thank me.”

Mitch smiles even though he thought it would be the last thing he’d do tonight.

“Tell me what favor you need.”

Oh, yeah, the whole point of their conversation.

“Do you mind sending me Andersen’s phone number?”

*

**hi, it’s mitch marner. any chance auston is with you tonight?**

**i won’t bother him I promise. I get that he doesn’t want to talk to me but can you tell me he’s okay?**

**please?**

_yeah, he’s here. he said he’ll call you tomorrow._

Mitch finally exhales.

And they are definitely not magic words and they don’t suddenly make everything okay but they do help in some ways. Knowing that Auston is not alone and that he’s willing to talk to him is all he wants and needs to know right now.

(Of course, that’s not entirely true. Because Mitch has about a thousand different question swirling in his head by the time he finally gets home, still shivering and now covered in snow, too. Because he wants to know what Auston meant by all this and why he did it and why he did it like this and why he did it now. Because he wants to know why Auston decided to come out when he was so adamant on never letting people figure it out – when that was the one thing he knew for sure.

And eventually, Mitch does wonder if it was for him. Mitch doesn’t think he’s that important but there’s a part of him that’s scared shitless that he pushed Auston to do something he didn’t want.)

*

Mitch sleeps approximately two hours that night and when he wakes up, it’s to a bunch of missed calls from his mum and Chris and Alex, and a Twitter notification from @LeafsPR.

@LeafsPR _Today’s Leafs off-day media avail is expected to start at approximately 9:30 am. Expected guests today are Kyle Dubas, Auston Matthews, John Tavares and head coach Sheldon Keefe._

Mitch is probably going to have about three heart attacks before 9:30 am. It can’t come soon enough.

*

Auston looks terrible even through Mitch’s grainy stream.

Well, no, that’s not entirely true – Mitch has been in love with that guy for ages so he’s pretty sure he could never say he looked terrible. But objectively speaking, he _does_ look bad: he’s pale, almost sickly so, and he’s wearing a black baseball cap with the rim pulled down low and he looks determined to keep staring at the table for the entirety of the press conference.

The others look a little uncomfortable, too, and Mitch hopes it’s just because the situation itself is kind of awkward and not because they _themselves_ are uncomfortable with Auston sitting there. Because Mitch is not expecting the whole team to be totally cool with Auston being gay or something but his captain, and his GM, and his coach are kind of important.

There’s nothing going on for a couple minutes, some technical difficulty or whatsoever, but all four men just sit there while they wait, not talking, not reacting, not doing anything. Mitch catches one encouraging smile from JT and Kyle is also trying to make eye contact with Auston but they quickly give up when Auston keeps decidedly looking at no one.

Mitch’s stomach is in knots when the first reporter is asked to state his question.

“Auston, there has been a lot of talk about your post on Instagram yesterday. Could you tell us a little about that? What was your motivation behind posting that particular image?”

Which is a very polite way of asking ‘are you fucking gay, Auston?’.

Auston clears his throat but it still sounds a little raspy when he answers. “I… yeah, I didn’t want to make it a big deal or anything, but…” he starts but then stops, clearly struggling with the words, even though Mitch is sure someone told him exactly what to say, and Mitch wants to hug him and then throw him over his shoulder and take him somewhere far away from all those people because he looks uncomfortable as hell.

“I am gay, that’s what the post was about - I'm sure most of you figured that out already,” Auston says and this time his voice sounds way louder and surer. There’s complete silence in the room, like the media people don’t even dare to inhale while he speaks. “I am gay but I didn’t want it to be a big announcement, even though I knew it would have to be one. It’s a big part of me and I know it’s important to be visible about something like this, especially in today’s world, but I also don’t want and never wanted this to define me, or to define my team. I think of myself as a hockey player first, and for a long time, I was worried that if I came out, I would only been known as that gay hockey player. But I think there comes a time in everyone’s life, when you can’t keep it a secret anymore – and my moment came now.”

And the words sound like they came straight from Willy’s mouth (and frankly, they probably did) but Auston seems like he means them when he says them and Mitch– Mitch is so unbelievably _proud_ of him, he doesn’t know if he can even put the feeling into words. If it’s even possible.

“I didn’t want to hide this anymore because it’s not something that has to be hidden away. And I’m lucky enough to have a team behind me who supports me no matter what and who believe in diversity and acceptance. Hockey is a team sport above all and having the support of my teammates and management means everything to me. As I said before, I’m so grateful that I have this here in Toronto, and while I’m sure I’m not going the be a perfect example, I still am one – and I hope that will be enough.”

And if the silence was there before, it somehow thickens even more because that statement was like a nuclear bomb, loaded as hell, detonating louder than anything they’ve heard before.

But Mitch keeps looking at Auston’s face who finally looked up during his monologue and he is still so pale, but there is a determination and self-assurance that Mitch has not seen on him since they were kids – not since he got traded away from Nashville.

Mitch is so stunned he barely even listens to the next couple questions (it sounded like they were just general ‘so everyone’s chill with you being gay or what’s up with that?’ to which JT, Kyle and Keefe all answered a definitive hell yeah) but his brain finally gets back on track just in time for the next question.

“Was your sexuality in any way connected to your trade from Nashville?” asks one of the local reporters and again, there’s a lull in all other noises as everyone perks their ears to hear the answer to that one.

Auston’s face betrays no emotions when he opens his mouth. “The details of my trade were not discussed with me so I can’t possibly answer that for you.”

And that could be believable, sure, Mitch doesn’t think GM’s give lengthy explanations to the players on why they got traded but there’s something in his voice that tells a different story – and Mitch doesn’t think he’s the only one who hears that.

“Any additions on that, Kyle?” someone else asks, a woman in a pencil skirt.

“Unfortunately, I don’t have an answer for you, either, and I wouldn’t dare to speculate. Trade talks are always different and you can’t expect the same amount of information from all of them: sometimes you ask about the player more in depth, sometimes you rely more on your own statistics and scouts. I mean… you always want to get a feel on the things that the numbers and on-ice performance can’t tell you. The ability to play together with others or to follow the trainers’ advice are things the GM’s might know more about, so that tends to come up in conversations. But we would never ask a question related to the personal lives of the players: as we said earlier, we truly believe that someone’s sexuality has no bearing on their quality as a player and as a human being. What I do know, though, is that while Nashville gave us a pretty legitimate answer on why they would be willing to give up their most promising player, I’m also quite confident in saying that – not just in hindsight but even during the trade – we knew that we definitely got the better end of the deal. Whatever the reason might be for that. And now we’re just happy that Auston is wearing a maple leaf on his jersey and is also happy doing so.”

And it’s such a perfectly Kyle-esque non-answer that Mitch almost laughs out loud. Because sure, he’s not _speculating_ but saying things like ‘whatever the reason might be for that’ is exactly the sort of thing people leech onto – and Kyle is perfectly aware of that. This is going to be a shitstorm and the slightly evil glint in Kyle’s eyes says he’s expecting it to be a big one.

But Auston, for the first time during the press conference, lets a little smile spread over his face so in Mitch’s opinion Kyle can make any shitstorms his heart desires – as long as he makes them in defense of Auston, it’s A-okay with him.

The rest of the press conference is almost a little dull after that (there is only so many ways the reporters can ask Auston if he really is gay and it gets very repetitive, very fast). But then there is one last question asked.

“Auston, should we be expecting a gentleman to join the wives and girlfriends in the stands soon? Or is hockey your main priority now?”

And the obvious answer is right there, served up on a silver platter by the journo himself, and Mitch knows fully well what Auston is going to respond.

Except he doesn’t do that. No, he lets out a little laugh that surprises almost everyone in the room, and with a shy little smile, he says this:

“Hopefully, though I’d have to ask him about that. I’d have to ask him about a couple things. He is kind of a hockey nerd so I don’t think he would decline.”

And then Auston smiles into the camera, and the Leafs PR person thanks everyone for coming, and the stream cuts off. And Mitch is sitting on his bed with his overheated laptop in his lap and a long-forgotten coffee next to him, and he thinks about Auston’s last words.

He thinks about them for a really long time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Honestly, I am so tempted to someday write something from Auston's POV - Mitch is blind to so many things and it kills me on a daily basis. Disaster children.
> 
> Also I'm humbled by the amount of comments I got on the last chapter. Thank you for caring so much about a lil' trans dude's story from the other side of the world <3


	24. Chapter 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You’re a disaster, Auston Matthews,” Mitch says because his heart is too full and he can’t cope with it.

Mitch firmly believes that big moments in life should look and feel and sound and even taste like the big moments they are supposed to be. Because when your whole life is about to change, it should change visibly: with a marching band or a boombox playing the music on the street and rain pouring down in big, fat drops, and there should be music, tugging on the heartstrings, and tears of joy or pain or both.

None of this happens when Auston finally shows up at his door. He doesn’t even barge in or anything, nothing dramatic, nothing extraordinary – just presses Mitch’s doorbell as he always does and when Mitch buzzes him in, he comes up and into his apartment like he would on any other day. He even has two cups of coffee in his hands like he just came over for brunch or something, like he’s just there to be there and not to, well, do something _big_.

But maybe it’s a good thing because it puts Mitch at ease, too. Or maybe he’s in shock. Or maybe deep down, he always knew, with his traitorous, hopeful heart, that it would come to this – and it would come to this exactly like this, no glitz just simply them.

“Hey, Matty,” Mitch says as Auston shrugs off his jacket.

“Hey, Mitchy,” Auston says back.

They settle in the kitchen by the window. There’s not a lot of sunshine coming in – the noon sun is already disappearing on the other side of the building – but it feels calm and quiet, the last rays of light breaking up on the two houseplants Mitch has managed to keep alive.

“I saw the press conference. And your post,” Mitch says finally after they’ve spent a couple seconds just sipping their coffees.

(Mitch doesn’t know how Auston dared a Starbucks the day of his coming out but maybe Auston is really out of any fucks to give. Mitch likes that – appreciates that even more than he appreciates his lovely cold brew.)

“You liked my speech?” Auston asks with a small smile.

“Yeah, it was emotional,” Mitch says and studies Auston’s face for a bit. “Willy wrote it, right?”

“You wound me. I could have come up with all those sentences,” Auston says with faux-annoyance.

“You could have. But you didn’t.”

Auston rolls his eyes over the rim of his cup. “Of course, I didn’t.”

And the thing is, Mitch might not mind that this is not a big dramatic moment but he still feels like this should be one. Because he thought they were done and over with – crushed to little pieces by that final fight in Arizona. But then Auston went on national television (or okay, not national television, but like, Mitch is pretty sure half of Canada watched the online stream of the press conference) and not only came out to literally everyone but he basically confessed his love for Mitch, too.

And that’s big. It changes things. It’s the grandest grand gesture Mitch has ever seen in his life. But it also feels like it was the peak of their drama. The fireworks at the end of the show, the roman candle across the sky, the final musical track of the play. The big bang, the crushing tide. And now it’s all quiet.

Because the other thing is – and Mitch doesn’t know when he realized this but now it’s this utter conviction he has – that he knows that they’re going to be okay and that this is going to work. Like… he _knows_. He’s sure of that.

Because when you fall in love with your best friend, it’s different. And it’s different, too, because Mitch already knows that he loves Auston, and he already knows that Auston loves him. That’s not a question anymore. And he knows that he wants to be with him and that it’s also mutual.

So maybe it’s not a dramatic moment because it’s just not dramatic anymore: no surprise left, no truth untold, all cards on the table.

“You make me believe in fate,” Mitch says apropos of nothing, and he feels a little ridiculous when he says it out loud but he also doesn’t want to take it back.

Auston snorts, probably agreeing with Mitch’s thoughts.

“Someone’s being very smart this morning.”

Mitch is appalled by this idiot. “Nah, never mind. You just destroyed my idea.”

Auston grins at him widely. “No, please elaborate, Professor Marner. Why are we believing in fate now?”

Mitch smiles at the little, casual _we_. “I was thinking about us.”

“Funny, I’ve been doing that a lot lately, too,” Auston says and he still has an impish smile on his face and Mitch loves that with all his heart.

“And I guess it just made me feel… not that we were inevitable but that we were…”

“Fated?”

Mitch sighs. “I know you think it’s like a fairytale romance, naïve, whatever thing but…”

“I mean, I do. But I also like that fact that you would think that.”

“So you don’t think we are fated?”

And maybe it’s slightly ridiculous that they have not even talked about this hypothetical we (and all the other, way more important things they _definitely_ need to discuss) but it’s them – Mitch’s not even surprised they’re handling it like this.

“I don’t like fate. I like deciding for myself. And I like taking credit for the things I do – stupid or good, it doesn’t matter.”

“Fair enough. I still want to believe in it, though.”

Auston raises his cup at Mitch. “Knock yourself out, Marner. Have all the fate you heart desires.”

And Mitch smiles at him and Auston smiles back and then Mitch can’t keep the question in anymore.

“Did you come out for me?”

Auston sighs. It’s not an annoyed one, just one that says that, even though it’s noon, he’s already had a really long day.

“I did. But I also did it for myself.”

“Because if you only…”

But Auston is already shaking his head. “No, you didn’t push me or anything. I just… I think even before our fight, I started to realize that I was being stupid. Or maybe not even stupid, because I still think I kind of had my reasons for the way I acted, but that I was being miserable for _nothing_. And it didn’t feel like it was nothing at the time, it definitely didn’t, but as I was watching you move on, I… I think you moving on put things into perspective. It made me realize what’s actually important in my life and, well, _you_ are the important thing in my life. And being honest with myself. And not living in a web of lies. And like, good hockey. I wouldn’t give up hockey ever.”

Mitch laughs at that.

(His heart is also swelling with all the emotions because he’s so in love with Auston and Auston said that he is really important and Auston is here and Auston came out and has Mitch mentioned lately how much he loves him?)

“I’m glad to know you are still a hockey junkie.”

“Honestly, you are totally allowed to laugh at me but that was actually a really big part of my thinking process. Because for a bit, I was like… if being a hockey player makes me so miserable then why am I still one? I could give it up. But then I realized how much I still love it, even despite its faults and its culture and… I think I needed to realize that I would never give up hockey but that I’d also never give you up and that, even though I was burnt once, the only thing I could still do was trusting that the Leafs would be different. So I went and told Kyle, and he was super nice, and I felt much better but then we had our fight and I… I got scared, so I posted that picture. Which, in hindsight, was not the smartest way to come out, I know,” Auston says, looking a little embarrassed.

“You’re a disaster, Auston Matthews,” Mitch says because his heart is too full and he can’t cope with it.

“But I’m your disaster, right?” Auston asks with a hopeful smile.

“And you call my feelings the fairytale ones…” Mitch says but when Auston starts laughing, he joins in, too.

Then they just keep looking at each other. And Mitch is not stupid – he took a bunch of physics courses at college –, but in this moment he’s still certain, a hundred percent sure, that time slows down when Auston Matthews smiles.

Or maybe Mitch is not stupid in general, just stupid about Auston, but he thinks that’s also allowed.

“There are so many things we need to talk about,” he says eventually. Because they do, even if there are things happening between them that defy the laws of physics.

“I want to ask you out,” Auston says immediately.

Which was decidedly not the answer Mitch was expecting. “You want to ask me out?”

“Let me start again – let us start again. Like, I know I said a bunch of stupid things and I did a bunch of stupid things and we were kind of messed up about this… whole thing and I am really, truly sorry about that. It’s just… I want us to start this better, on solid ground. Because now I know exactly what I want and I want to treat you right. So let me take you out on a date. A proper date.”

How is Mitch not supposed to believe in fairytales when he hears things like this, huh? Like, how dare Auston mock him for his fairytale feelings when he’s the one creating them?

“Okay,” Mitch says instead of swooning into Auston’s arms because his self-control is great like that.

Auston grins back at him. “Okay.”

And then they keep staring at each other dumbly. It’s all very dumb – they’re very dumb.

“Did I even tell you how proud of you I am?” Mitch asks suddenly.

“For?”

He asks what for. He comes out as the first openly gay player in the NHL and he asks what Mitch is proud of him for – why is Mitch in love with this guy again?

“Oh, I don’t know, maybe for being amazingly brave and coming out and all that? In case you forgot you did that.”

Mitch’s kitchen is still not the brightest place – but it’s far from being dark enough to hide the very clear blushing that’s happening on Auston’s face.

“The team has been awesome. They really have been. Like, they weren’t even that upset with me for posting that picture out of fucking nowhere. They were genuinely just concerned if everything was okay or I was, I don’t know, blackmailed into something or not. And your friend, Willy? He was working his ass off to get the whole PR side of this mess straightened out. I’ll have to thank him for that.”

“You do realize that instead of taking the fucking compliment for once in your life, you just managed to twist this into a ‘teamwork makes the dream work’ nonsense? You couldn’t be more of a hockey player if you tried, oh god.”

“Well,” Auston smiles again, “you’re kind of stuck with me. I mean… I hope you’re kind of stuck with me.”

“I think I’ve been stuck with you for the better half of my life. Or no, literally almost my whole life. And you still make fun of me for thinking we’re fated. Our whole lives, Matty. Hell, you’re going to push me into an existential crisis.”

And Mitch is waiting for the chirps again (he might actually bring up this fate thing so many times because he likes being chirped by Matty – but no one needs to know that) but Auston doesn’t say anything for a really long moment.

“I love you.”

He says I love you, and he looks so honest and so genuine and so like someone who clearly means it that Mitch’s heart flutters hard in his ribcage. And the best thing is that he keeps looking at Mitch – and not even because he’s waiting for an answer but because he can finally say this out loud without having to turn his head away, without having to hide this. He can say this out loud and he does it, just like that, out of nowhere, like it’s not a fleeting thought in his head but a buzzing constant that’s always there, just under the surface.

“I love you,” Auston says again. “And this is so not how I pictured telling you. Like, I wanted to tell you this on our date to make it, I don’t know, special? But I have waited so long and I have made you wait for so long that, that I just want you to know that. The last couple days were like hell but I got through them hoping that at the end of this whole drama, I’ll still have my chance with you. And you’re so going to make fun of me for being sappy.”

And it’s such an Auston-y thing to say that Mitch can’t help but start laughing at that.

“I thought you wanted to start over on solid ground. Telling a guy you love him before your very first date? You’ll scare me off.”

“Do I scare you off?”

And a part of Mitch wants to tease him more for that, but a bigger part of him just gives up and it takes the rest of his heart and mind with itself.

“I’m so in love with you, Auston Matthews, I honestly can’t think of a way you could still scare me off.”

And it’s a big moment that does not sound or taste or feel or even look like a big moment. It’s just two guys, sitting on old barstools, dangling their legs (at least in Mitch’s case), sipping their coffees and talking quietly. And it’s almost ironic that after all the stupid and dramatic things they went through, all the tornado-like fights and I don’t want you’s and have a good life’s and public coming outs, that after all that, this is how they finally get together.

But maybe Mitch is right and this was always inevitable and fated. That when you know someone since you were toddlers, you have to go through some rough times together – and if after all that, you still want the other, then you know it’s worth it, then you know it’s exactly what and who you want. Or maybe Auston is right and if it was up to fate, they would have been fucked countless times already with too many hurdles in their way – with them falling out of touch in school and Auston moving away and then Mitch moving away and then with their stupid dance around each other that both of them knew was leading to absolutely nowhere. They could have messed this up for good so many times if it was up to a higher power – but they didn’t, and maybe it was their doing. Maybe they should be the ones taking credit for that.

And yeah, it’s a little ironic that this is the moment Mitch thinks about when he thinks of them finally getting together: not their romantic first date, not their first actual, _real_ kiss, not their first time. This quiet moment in this city that’s always buzzing, this city that finally got them together and over their own problems, too – this quiet moment far away from everyone else, far from all the other people whose words and opinions always seemed so important but that never was.

Because in the end, it doesn’t matter what fate says or what people say. What matters is this:

There are two guys sitting in a small Toronto apartment, with their knees pressed together and their hands holding each other. And they love each other and they’re happy and they are proud. And yeah, maybe it was 24 years in the making – but it’s finally here.

They’re finally here to stay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, everyone. So I know this totally sounds like a final chapter but it's not actually THE final chapter. Because I hate it when stories stop right after the big 'happy ever after' moment and I also have a bunch of ideas I still want to explore with them and... well, I guess I don't actually have to make excuses to keep writing my own story, so I'll shut up know. Just know that we're still on - and I hope you guys are also excited to see what marriage, I mean, a committed relationship looks like for our two idiots. 
> 
> Thanks for reading as always!! And yes, I am aware that all my getting together chapters are very sappy but I am a very sappy person deep down and I can't help it!!


	25. Chapter 25

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There are two things that Mitch learns about being in a relationship with Auston Matthews.

There are two things that Mitch learns about being in a relationship with Auston Matthews.

The first thing is this: it’s really not what Mitch pictured being in a relationship would be like. Granted, they have been together for (or like, it’s still not official but in a very nudge nudge, wink wink way Mitch thinks it’s _kind of_ official) for about an hour, the majority of which Auston spent on his phone. Apparently, when you come out publicly and confess your undying love for a guy, _as a guy_ , then you have a shit-ton of phone calls you have to make. Still, the fact remains: it’s totally not what Mitch pictured.

Because it’s literally almost the same as they were before their fight. Like, _freakishly_ the same. They talk and they chill on the couch and they order pizza and they chirp each other at every possible opportunity. And look, Mitch is not saying that he thought they’d be all over each other just because they got together but something _should_ change. Right? Is Mitch doing something bad that nothing has changed so far? Should he be doing something he’s not doing?

The second thing is this: Auston Matthews is apparently not above bribing delivery guys. Mitch has no idea what he should do with that piece of information.

It is also decidedly not what Mitch should be concentrating on because the first thing seems a bit more important, and it _is_ more important, but 1) Mitch is usually incapable of concentrating on what he should be concentrating on, and 2) bribery is bad.

“Bribery is bad,” is what Mitch predictably ends up saying instead of all his worries and questions when he sees Auston give a signed jersey to the pizza delivery guy. The guy basically floats from their door, clutching the jersey in his hand like his life depends on it. Also, where did Auston even get the jersey from? They’re in Mitch’s place and Mitch knows that his one and only Matthews jersey is in his ever-growing pile of dirty laundry.

(Does Auston just walk around with a bunch of jerseys? Is that a thing professional hockey players do?)

“Is it now?” Auston asks with an amused smile on his face as he puts the boxes down on Mitch’s coffee table. They ordered two completely different pizzas because Auston eats a lot and Mitch is not sharing a pizza with him and also because Auston has absolutely zero taste in food and wanted a freaking _margherita_. That’s just tomato and cheese and nothingness, why would anyone in their right mind want that? “So you would rather have him tell the whole Internet that he just saw Auston Matthews with a guy in a small apartment right after the whole coming out as gay thing?”

“My apartment is not small. Also, it’s weird when you call yourself Auston Matthews.”

Auston crooks an eyebrow at him in a frustratingly expressive (and attractive) manner. “My name is Auston Matthews.”

Mitch groans. “Stop saying Auston Matthews, it’s weird when you say it.”

Mitch does not find the smirk on Auston’s face attractive. Not even a teeny tiny bit. (He admitted the eyebrow thing, that’s as far as he’s willing to go.)

“Just admit that bribing the delivery guy with a signed jersey was actually a very smart thing to do and that just because you’re the smart one doesn’t mean I can’t have brilliant ideas.”

Mitch narrows his eyes at him. Auston doesn’t look like he’s quivering with fear because he’s a horrible and foolish human being.

“Your taste in pizza sucks,” Mitch says eventually as he takes a seat on his couch because Mitch is great at comebacks.

“It’s a good thing my taste in men doesn’t,” Auston says and okay, what the hell, Mitch is so not ready for words like that. And feelings like that. And just… _Auston_ being like that. Like, sure, flirting is totally a thing people do in relationships (and out of relationships, too – now that Mitch is thinking about it flirting is a pretty common thing) but Auston? Flirting? With him? Mitch’s is not prepared for _that_.

And apparently when Mitch is not ready for things, it shows on his face and it shows on his face _hard_ , because Auston loses his cocky confidence in approximately one millisecond.

“I’m sorry, that was way too early, right?” he asks, and Mitch really, really doesn’t like the expression on his face right now. Also, the way their jokey little bubble turned so serious so suddenly? Mitch kind of _hates_ that. Mitch was being a pro at repressing his emotions and worries and deepest fears.

“No, no, it’s just…”

But what is it, Mitch, huh? Seriously. You just got everything you’ve ever wished for and you’re already fucking it up in an hour? That’s got to be a record for even you, man.

“I’m sorry it’s just… I’m not used to this?” Great explanation, Mitchy. Just wonderful.

Auston doesn’t look annoyed with Mitch’s non-answer, though, his face wearing the same slightly worried, unsure expression he’s had on before. And god, Mitch loves him, okay? He has loved him for a long time, and he finally has him, and now… and fuck, now what _is_ his problem here?

Auston sits down next to him on the couch and when he takes Mitch’s hand in his, Mitch suddenly feels self-conscious and loved at the same time. It’s disorienting – like so many things about Auston are.

“Whatever you’re feeling, it’s… you know it’s okay to feel whatever you’re feeling now, right? Like, I know this has been kind of thrown at you and we haven’t really had the chance to talk about this and that I’ve been an asshole for so long and if you want to like… I don’t know, if you want space or time or…”

“Are you already breaking up with me?” Mitch asks before he could even stop himself. He says it jokingly because he hears the way Auston says it, and he knows that Auston doesn’t mean it like _that_ – but for a second there, he’s also scared out of his freaking mind that Auston is actually doing that. How did they even go from joking about bribing the delivery guy to this in two minutes? Why are they like this?

“What? No, why would you…”

“You just said that…”

“God, no, I’m not breaking up with you, what the hell. No, that’s not happening _ever_.”

Mitch is staring at him with wide eyes.

“Okay, maybe I’m jumping a little ahead of ourselves but…” Auston says sheepishly and Mitch can’t help but let out a little snort. “But I wasn’t trying to break up with you.”

“That’s… reassuring,” Mitch agrees and then they fall silent. It’s definitely an awkward silence, too, and Mitch is not used to those around Auston. Auston’s been someone he has always been comfortable around and Mitch desperately needs that to stay the same.

(He also doesn’t want to get used to awkward silences because they _suck_ – and not in the good way).

“I guess, it’s just new?” Mitch says eventually.

“Like, us? I mean… yeah, it’s like…”

“Like, have we even said the words…” Mitch says and then hesitates, and fuck, don’t they say that if you can’t even say the word out loud then you should definitely not be doing it? Or it that only about sex?

(And fuck, sex is also… yeah, Mitch is not even going to _think_ about that because if their relationship status freaks him out, then the topic of sex is probably going to make his mind explode. Mitch likes his mind. He doesn’t want it to get shredded to little pieces.)

“The words?” Auston asks. And of course, he’s not getting it. Of course, Mitch will have to spell it out for him and die from embarrassment while doing so.

Do it, Mitchell. Get it over with.

“Are we… boyfriends now?” Oh god, Mitch is a 14-year old _child_.

Auston stops drawing imaginary little circles on Mitch’s hand.

“Oh,” he says and Mitch’s heart drops so fast, he almost feels it physically. “I mean, I thought that was… kind of a given?”

Oh. So that was that kind of _oh_.

“You know I’ve never had a boyfriend, right?”

And the thing is Mitch didn’t mean to say that out loud: definitely not this early on, not so rushed, not so randomly. But the moment he says it, he knows that’s what’s bothering him. For a second, he even wonders how he didn’t manage to figure this out sooner because it’s so _obvious_ , so glaringly evident.

“No… like, serious boyfriend?”

Mitch keeps staring at his hands. “No boyfriend period.”

“But… how?”

Mitch snorts. “How what?”

“How did you never have a boyfriend?”

“Matty,” Mitch says. It comes out warningly, like Mitch thinks the answer should be obvious but Auston looks confused and… fuck, Mitch doesn’t want to explain this to him.

Because Mitch has told things to Auston, obviously, he did – they’ve been friends again for months now. But there are things that Mitch still keeps to himself, things that feel personal and weird and yucky and just… things Mitch feels almost ashamed of, even though he knows he _shouldn’t_. But when the world tells you bad things, it’s hard not to internalize it. It’s hard not to end up believing it.

“Is this about the trans thing?”

Mitch doesn’t mean to snort at that, but really, Matty, the trans thing? Is this what we’re calling it now?

“Or is this your insecurity thing?”

“I’m pretty sure those two things overlap,” Mitch says surprising even himself with the honesty.

When Mitch looks up at Auston, he sees his concerned eyes, his lips pressed together, and for a second, all Mitch feels is this bittersweetness that seeps through his whole being. Because for the thousandth time in his life, he feels that things are never fair in his life. And he knows that sounds whiny and childish and petulant but… This should be a moment of celebration, them finally getting their shit together, and this should be a happy moment, dammit, almost sickeningly so but – but it’s _not_ because no matter how well Mitch is doing, no matter how much he thinks he’s made progress, there’s always something that reminds him that he’s missed out on so much and that he _keeps_ missing out on so much because he’s trans.

And Mitch knows it’s a terrible to thing to say – he’s fully aware. Because you’re not missing out on anything by being trans, god no, you’re _not_. But for a lot of people, including Mitch, it took and it still takes a long time to even accept the fact that they’re trans and to take the steps to transition (whether that be socially or medically or both). And it takes so much _time_.

And it took a lot of time for Mitch, too, to be okay with himself and while he’s happy with who he is now, there’s still this feeling that because he was so pre-occupied with his transition and because he didn’t get to live in the right body, he missed out on a bunch of things that others got to have. That he’s missed out on being in a serious relationship before being 25 fucking years old, and he’s missed out on being consoled by friends after break-ups or looking for a rebound after a heartbreak. He’s missed out on awkward teenage dates, and he’s missed out on being excited about prom. And it’s not even just about love and relationships and all that mushy stuff – no, he’s missed out on trying out for the hockey team with his best buddies because they were cis guys who all got to play on the boy’s team. And he’s missed out on playing with Legos and toy cars and he’s missed out on learning how to fix the carburetor that his dad taught Chris and not him. It sounds stereotypical but it’s still the way Mitch’s world is.

And maybe it sounds like Mitch is not appreciating what he has now, but that’s the furthest thing from the truth. He loves his life – he loves it with every fiber in his body. He wakes up grateful everyday for his job and his friends and his family, and now he even gets to have the love of his life which makes him just _ridiculously_ lucky. But it doesn’t change the fact that he feels like a huge part of his life is missing from him – a bunch of memories and experiences that _should_ be there but that are missing because he didn’t get to live in the right body for more than 20 years of his life. And sure, he has other memories that are nice and amazing and painful, too, just like the missing ones should be but… it’s not the same.

And it never will be the same.

And it is never going to be fair. But maybe life never is fair. Not to anyone. And maybe Mitch should let the fuck go of his past because it doesn’t even matter anymore.

“Can we not talk about this for a bit?” Mitch says instead of saying all the other stuff that’s swirling around in his mind. Because he truly does not want to talk about it right now, even though the revelation is there and should be dealt with.

“You know bottling shit up is not going to help, right?” Auston says but he doesn’t seem like he wants to push Mitch.

“I know. Believe me, I really do know. But… I finally have you and I… I don’t want our literal first day together to be about all my stupid issues. I want to be happy,” Mitch says and he almost winces after the last sentence because who says things like that out loud but – well, it’s still true. Mitch really just wants to be happy right now.

Auston takes a long, silent look at him like he’s not sure he fully believes that.

“Would pizza make you happy? Because it’s getting cold and I know how much you hate cold pizza.”

And Mitch exhales.

*

So, okay, maybe repressing your fears about fucking your relationship up is not the healthiest coping mechanism. But Mitch still ends up having the loveliest day, so really, who’s the real winner here?

(Don’t take Mitch’s advice here, kids. The opinion expressed here is completely personal and should not be considered as professional emotional advice.)

Or okay, Mitch ends up having a lovely half an afternoon before his emotions escape from their stupid little boxes Mitch shoved them into. But it was truly lovely while it lasted.

“I think I was a baker in another life,” Mitch says as he pulls out a tray of freshly baked cookies from the oven.

“Mitchy.”

“Yes, dear?”

“Those cookies are literally from ready-to-bake cookie dough.”

“And?”

“They’re from ready-to-bake cookie dough that I put on the tray and into the oven. This is literally the first time you’re even in the vicinity of those cookies,” Auston says with an amused smile. He’s sitting on top of the kitchen counter and he looks so painfully at home in an old sweat he left here a couple weeks ago that Mitch can’t help but feel _things_ at the sight of him.

“Well, yeah,” Mitch smirks. “Just because I was a baker in another life doesn’t mean I am one now. Duh.”

Okay, Mitch probably deserves the eye-roll for that. (It was also a very fond eye-roll. Mitch is more than okay with those.)

“Gimme a cookie, Mr. Ex-Baker” Auston says and he makes grabby hands towards the tray.

“They’re hot, Matty. You’re going to burn your tongue.”

“Stop mothering me and give me a cookie, Marner.”

Okay, then Mitch is not going to care about Auston’s well-being. Whatever. He can burn his everything for all Mitch cares.

It literally takes less than five second for Auston to start hissing from the heat like he’s an actual cat.

“Are they hot, Matty? Did you burn your tongue?” Mitch asks innocently.

Auston narrows his eyes at him. “… No.”

Mitch is about to start laughing in a probably very obnoxious way when Auston adds, “But you can help cooling it down.”

Mitch freezes. “What?”

The blush on Auston’s cheeks would be glorious and Mitch would make fun of him until the end of their lives but his mind just shuts down and he barely even hears Auston murmuring, “You know like… you could cool my tongue with…”

“With?” Mitch chokes out.

“Like… your tongue? Okay, it definitely made more sense in my head.”

And yeah, Mitch is going to die. Mitch is going to die from second-hand embarrassment and also because of the fact that Auston Matthews just asked him to kiss him.

(Or cool his tongue with Mitch’s tongue which, if Mitch is understanding things correctly, is Auston-speak for kissing.)

So Mitch knows that he and Auston have kissed before – he remembers those kisses _very_ vividly, thank you very much. But now it’s different because it’s something deliberate and something real and Mitch… fuck, Mitch is back to freaking the fuck out because what if he fucks this up? Sure, Auston seemed to enjoy the previous times but what if he was simply caught up in the moment? How should Mitch even know if he’s doing anything right in this stupid relationship?

It’s Auston – he can’t fuck things up with Auston.

“You’re freaking out,” Auston says quietly and Mitch doesn’t know how long he’s spaced out for but Auston look almost calm now – even his blush is almost gone.

“I might be freaking out a little,” Mitch admits because it’s just the two of them standing in the middle of Mitch’s kitchen and if he can’t be honest here, then there’s nowhere he can.

“Hey,” Auston says quietly and he slowly takes his hand in his. “Talk to me.”

“I just…” Mitch says but he still doesn’t know how he could put all he’s feeling into words. “I know I shouldn’t be freaking out.”

“Why?”

“What do you mean why? It shouldn’t be a big deal. I shouldn’t be freaking out over this.”

“I mean… it’s our first kiss since you know… being official or whatever. It’s a big deal for me, too.”

“Wow, okay, way to put the pressure back on, what the fuck, Matthews,” Mitch exhales with a shaky laugh.

Auston rolls his eyes. “Mitchy.”

“Yes.”

“I love you.”

“I love you, too,” Mitch says immediately and Auston smiles this secret little smile at him that Mitch is not sure he understands but still really adores.

“I love you and I’m not going to kiss you.”

Mitch doesn’t think he can be blamed for saying, “What the fuck.”

Auston snorts. “Eloquent as always. But really. I’m not going to kiss you and you’re not going to kiss me. Because we’re taking this slow.”

“Slow?”

“Like, so slow. Super slow. The slowest ever to slow.”

Mitch is still very much confused but Auston’s hand is warm in his and it finally calms something in him. “But that’s… ridiculous. We’re 25-year-old dudes that’s like… I don’t _need_ to take it slow.”

“Okay, maybe I need to take it slow.”

Mitch groans. “Auston.”

“Yes, Mitchell.”

“Don’t… don’t make me out to be the virgin girl who’s scared of kissing.”

“You’re not a virgin girl.”

Mitch blushes. “You don’t know that.”

Auston raises an eyebrow at that. “You’re not a girl, Mitch. It’s hard to be a virgin girl when you’re not a girl.”

Oh. Good point actually.

“It’s just so…”

“No, Mitch.”

“You don’t even know what I wanted to tell you.”

“I’m sure it was supposed to be some self-deprecating shit where you’d make yourself feel bad because this thing between us is new and makes you anxious when it’s actually a totally normal thing and you shouldn’t feel bad about that.”

Mitch is not this predictable. “I wasn’t going to do that.”

“Sure,” Auston says and he sounds so sarcastic, Mitch forgets to be offended because holy hell, he’s so proud of him. That was an epic level of sarcasm.

“Slow,” Mitch repeats after a bit of silence.

“You’re good with that, right?”

“I’m… yeah, I’m good with that.”

Mitch doesn’t need to admit that he’s more than good with that because he knows Auston knows. He is sure of that.

“You want to hear something better?” Auston asks. “I’m pretty sure we can eat the cookies now.”

And at that, Mitch finally laughs, a sound so loud he almost surprises himself with it. Auston looks incredibly proud of himself.

Maybe it’s not how Mitch pictured their relationship – but now he’s damn excited to see what it really _is_ like.

And he’s not fucking this up. He’s not.

*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apparently, when you move cities, start your masters while working, and get a puppy at the same time, you tend to have less time for writing about the gay hockey player and his trans stats guy. Who would have thought? (Also add in trying to get all my doctor's appointment for getting on T out of the way before the health care system shuts down again, and you'll see what a fun time I've had in the past... two months or so. Spoiler alert: it was not fun.)
> 
> Seriously, though, sorry for disappearing but life's been hectic (TM). And while this chapter is a little all over the place and a little angsty, I'm just so happy I finally had the time and energy to write something. Comments are still so so appreciated! They always make me smile so much!
> 
> (P.s: I'm also tempted to start writing a completely new story, so if you have anything you'd like to read, do let me know - either here or over on Tumblr.)


	26. Chapter 26

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You don’t just come out as the first gay NHLer and expect nothing to change. It’s not how the world works and Mitch knows that.

Mitch is great at this relationship thing. Really, he’s acing it like the _absolute_ pro he is. He should hold seminars on this and workshops and should become a relationship coach or something because he’s just so damn _good_ at this.

Okay, maybe that exaggerates Mitch’s prowess a little but it turns out that he’s actually surprisingly good at being a boyfriend? And it’s not even his biased opinion or anything – Auston himself has said so.

(“You’re surprisingly good at this boyfriend thing,” were his literal words that were also immediately followed by the biggest wince ever. “That came out wrong.”

“Honestly, I don’t even know if I should be offended that you’re so surprised by this fact or be worried that you think me bringing you food is the main quality you’re looking for in a partner,” Mitch asked as he deposited their plates on the table.

Auston just grinned at him, that slightly smug smile of his, and well, they’re still in the honeymoon period – Mitch is allowed to get away with swooning a little even though it’s unbecoming, Auston, you should be ashamed of yourself.

“Hi boyfriend,” is what Auston says when he finally sits down next to him and okay, that’s the moment Mitch swoons.)

But in all honesty, Mitch is actually coping quite well after that whole ‘let’s take this thing slow as fuck because Mitch is a blushing virgin’ (which he’s not, _technically_ , but he still kind of feels like one? It’s complicated, okay?), and by Monday morning when Mitch is ready to go back to the office, he almost feels used to the fact that he woke up to Auston Matthews quietly snoring in his bed.

It’s a really good feeling.

“What am I supposed to do while you pretend to be an adult and go to the office?” Auston pouts as Mitch is packing his laptop away. He’s still laying in Mitch’s bed, half-naked, the duvet pooled around his waist, and he looks soft and happy and almost glowing, and Mitch needs to take a second just to appreciate the fact that this is really what he gets to see in the morning.

“What do you mean I pretend to be an adult? I’m not the one whose literal job is to play a game.”

Auston just rolls his eyes at that because he’s clearly a coward who can’t even admit when he’s been defeated.

“And also…” he starts then stops. Mitch was busy trying to decide between two pairs of his socks (one with little avocados on it and one with tiny dachshunds) but there’s something in Auston’s voice that makes him look up again.

“Yeah?”

“You’re… are you going to tell people about this?” he asks eventually, and he vaguely gestures between them.

(Mitch knows it’s an important question and he sees how serious Auston got but he’s still slightly tempted to make fun of him for that vague-ass gesture because seriously, what was that?)

Mitch is also distinctly aware of the fact that instead of swooning a whole lot during the weekend, they probably should have talked about… a lot of things they very definitely did _not_ talk about. Whoops.

(It’s not Mitch’s fault that being with Auston is apparently so natural that they just… kind of went with the flow? Mitch sounds more and more stupid by the minute, he knows.)

“I… don’t have to? But fair warning, Alex will probably figure it out sooner or later. Oh, and Willy, too. And Zach. And…”

“Like half of the Leafs organization?” Auston snorts.

“To be fair, you were the one who admitted to having some nerd waiting for you in the stands while you came out to literally the whole world,” Mitch says and he genuinely tries to smother the smile breaking out on his face but he’s physically uncapable to do so.

“That has nothing to do with the fact that they will immediately know it’s you because you talk about me like 120% of the time,” Auston says with a crooked eyebrow. (His eyebrows are still infuriatingly expressive. Mitch kind of hates them and kind of loves them at the same time.)

“Matthews, the lies you’re telling me are unbelievable today,” Mitch says, and there’s a little smile on Auston’s face but the seriousness still remains, so Mitch can’t help but immediately add, “but I don’t have to tell them if you don’t want to.”

“It’s not that I don’t want to, I just…”

And for a second, Mitch’s heart sinks because he doesn’t know what he’d do if Auston’s next words were that he still doesn’t want people to know about them. Mitch is willing to be a lot of things but not a dirty little secret.

“I don’t want the world to come between us. Or, okay, that sounded like I was on one of those telenovelas my grandma likes to watch but… you get what I mean?”

“I guess?” Mitch does not get what Auston is saying here. What he knows, though, is that they should have talked about this when Mitch was not literally about to leave for work in minus two minutes.

“It’s just… People _know_ now.”

“About…”

“About me being gay. And me having ‘a nerd waiting in the stands’ as you have so eloquently put it. And they will want to know about you and us and… I don’t want to share you with the world. Not so soon.”

Mitch is so going to be late for work. He closes the distance between them in a couple quick steps and takes a seat right next to Auston on his bed.

“You know we don’t have to tell the world right this second? They, the fans, the media, the city of Toronto, whoever, they can’t _make_ you share your private life with them just because you came out. And yeah, maybe the guys from the office will know but they’re not going to air our dirty laundry to the world. They’re good guys, you don’t have to worry about that.”

“We don’t have dirty laundry.”

“Figure of speech, Matty. Or no, actually, I do have dirty laundry, it’s piling out of the laundry basket and…”

Auston finally snorts at that. This time it’s Mitch’s turn to be super smug about it.

“I know you still have your hang-ups about people knowing you’re gay, and no, don’t even front it, we both know that we _both_ have a lot of hang-ups about a lot of different things,” Mitch says quickly, not letting Auston interrupt him, “and I know that me being with you out in the open makes that even more of a reality, I guess? But if we’re taking it slow, we can take this slow out there, too. They have no right to ask about anything you don’t want to talk about.”

Auston nods once and then twice, like he’s trying to convince himself. He looks more relieved than before so Mitch is taking that as a win.

“We’ll talk more when I get home?”

Auston nods for a third time. “I still have nothing to do today. I’m not even allowed to go to the gym for two more days because of my stupid fingers.”

Mitch grins at him. “You know, I really do have that pile of dirty clothes I just mentioned and I also own a washing machine that only makes suspicious sounds once in a while, so…”

“Are you trying to make me your househusband now?”

Mitch’s heart does not trip on the word husband. Nope.

“I just don’t want you to be bored, how dare you make such accusations.”

“Go pretend to be an adult before I smack you.”

“Kinky,” Mitch says and he doesn’t even blush when he says it. He’s so proud of himself.

He also leaves with a kiss on his cheek and promise of someone waiting for him when he gets home and for the first time in a long time, he feels truly at home in Toronto.

*

In hindsight, Mitch feels truly stupid that he didn’t even stop for a minute to… just think, really. Because, contrary to popular belief, Mitch is not stupid. And he knew that Auston’s coming out would have repercussions. You don’t just come out as the first gay NHLer and expect nothing to change. It’s not how the world works and Mitch knows that.

Still, Auston finished his last phone call on Saturday and then promptly turned his phone off for the remainder of the weekend. And for about 36 hours they both pretended that the outside world did not exist. (Except for food delivery. Take-out should always exist.) And it was good. Peaceful. Calm. Important.

But now that Mitch is leaving the house, he gets an uneasy feeling, deep in his bones, that says ‘ _it’s never this easy_ ’.

*

It takes Alex less than two seconds to start cackling.

“Someone’s had a good weekend,” he says with a shit-eating grin and Mitch immediately rolls his eyes at him. He hasn’t even put his bag down. Alex is a hyena.

“Good morning to you, too, Alex. Yes, I did have a nice weekend, and what about you? Unfortunately, I have so much work to do, I can’t possibly…”

“Mitchell,” Alex says, rudely interrupting Mitch’s totally made up excuses.

“Alexander.”

“As much as I’m dying to interrogate you about your weekend – and believe me when I say that I _will_ get the story out of you with all its dirty little details – I also have a message for you.”

“A message?” Mitch asks and this time his confusion is not even feigned.

“From Kyle.”

Oh shit.

“He wants to see you in his office. Like, now.”

Oh shit – but like, for _real_ real now.

“Did he mention… why?” Mitch asks carefully.

Alex raises an eyebrow at Mitch. Honestly, Mitch is getting really sick and tired of all these people expressing their emotions only through the movement of their stupid eyebrows.

“He didn’t say, no, but I’m guessing that it has something to do with your steamy love affair with a currently very talked about hockey player.”

Mitch winces. “We don’t have a steamy love affair.”

“Sure, sure,” Alex says, immediately waving him off.

“And also… can we not talk about my non-existent love affair, too? Just… keep it on the downlow for a bit longer?”

“Sure? We can keep your non-existent steamy love affair on the downlow. That even sounded like a sentence that is not completely and utterly ridiculous.”

“Alex.”

Alex’s face gets serious very quickly. “He doesn’t want people to know? But then… why hold a press conference?”

Mitch sighs. He should probably be getting to Kyle sooner than later but he also doesn’t want Alex to get to wrong idea. If someone has an almost complete picture of what has gone done between Mitch and Auston, it’s him – and some of the things he knows are not good.

“We’re not hiding, it’s just really new. And kind of important, so… I want to figure some things out with him first before people here know.”

“Okay, I guess that’s understandable,” Alex says after he spends a couple of seconds staring at Mitch’s face like he was searching for something he couldn’t figure out. “But Mitch if he ever makes you feel bad about… you know what, then don’t take shit from him.”

And Mitch feels a surge of emotion over Alex’s words because sure, thinking about the fact that Auston could be an asshole about the trans thing (if Auston can call it ‘the trans thing’ that then Mitch can too) makes his stomach clench in a very uncomfortable way but the fact that Alex cares this much? That he thinks that Mitch’s well-being is so important? Fuck, that makes Mitch _feel_ things too.

“Thanks for having my back, man,” Mitch says eventually.

“Always, dude. Always,” Alex smiles. “Now, go and face Kyle. That should be an interesting conversation. Feel free to record the whole thing in 4K so I can bask in its full glory.”

Oh shit.

*

Mitch has been to Kyle’s office many times before and it’s one of the only offices on the management level that he actually likes. The décor is on point, minimalist and professional like you’d expect a GM’s office to be but it also has something innately Kyle-esque in it. Maybe it’s in the little things – the sparkly gel pens Mitch has no idea why Kyle keeps around on his desk (and yes, he’s been itching to ask about those for a long, long time) or those little, individually-packed dark chocolate thingies that Kyle probably snacks on because he’s a health-freak like that. It feels professional but homey too – that’s all Mitch is saying.

Which is why it’s super weird that Mitch is currently freaking the fuck out and feels absolutely zero comfort as he sinks into the chair in front of Kyle’s desk. It definitely did not help that when Mitch announced his presence to Kyle secretary, Kyle seemingly abandoned everything else he was doing just so he could meet Mitch.

Mitch does not like to be on top of Kyle’s priority list.

“I hope you’ve had a nice weekend,” Kyle says eventually when Mitch shows zero interest in starting their conversation.

And gosh, why did that sentence feel loaded as fuck already? It was completely innocent. Is Mitch imaging things? Or was this his wink wink nudge nudge way of asking if Mitch had a _really_ good weekend? Mitch doesn’t want to talk about his non-existent sex life with Kyle.

“It was alright,” Mitch says eventually.

Finally getting together with the guy he’s been hung up on since forever is an alright thing. Totally. No lies there.

“Glad to hear that,” Kyle says then he gives Mitch a look like he’s expecting him to say something else. When Mitch stays quiet, he sighs and puts both his hands on his desk, almost like he’s gearing up for something.

Mitch is not feeling good about this at all.

“Okay, Mitch. I know this conversation is going to be quite delicate but I think we’d both prefer if we could keep things honest and open between us, right?”

That sounds like a huge-ass trap to Mitch’s ear but fine, go on, Kyle.

Kyle apparently takes his silence as agreement so he goes on. “I know I have absolutely no right to ask about you and Auston. And I’m not going to because not only do I not have the right, I also know it’s absolutely none of my business.”

Mitch can feel the _but_ coming.

“But…” and there it is, “and I absolutely hate doing this, you’ll have to understand that, Mitch, but I’ll have to ask you to stop working on projects concerning the current roster.”

Mitch feels like the Earth has been yanked out from underneath him.

“What? Why?” Mitch asks before he could stop himself.

Kyle sighs. “Because I’m sure we can both agree that there is a conflict of interest for you there.”

“But… that has never influenced my work before,” Mitch says and he hates how disbelieving and shocked and _small_ he sounds but he wasn’t prepared for this.

Because it _truly_ has not influenced his work before, he’s not making excuses here. He’s known Auston for basically his whole life, and he’s been close to him ever since he got here and that has never, in any way, influenced the way he’s treated his work.

“I know that. Believe me, Mitch, I trust you. But we both know that things have changed recently and while I do know that you’d never let your relationship to Auston influence your work, you also have to understand that it would raise questions to a lot of people,” Kyles says and he sounds like he actually is sorry that he has to be doing this.

And Mitch believes him. Kind of. Because Kyle is a good guy and Mitch gets that he has to put the team above everything else – it’s the team above the individual. But Mitch still feels cheated and disoriented. And he suddenly doesn’t feel _trusted,_ either – and that hurts above all else.

“So you’re firing me?” Mitch asks finally and his words ring too loud in the quiet of the room.

Kyle looks horrified for a second. “God, no. We’re just moving you to scouting. We’re actually getting a lot of new guys in to start preparing for the draft and we need to add some more experience to the team there. It might actually work out for the best.”

“Scouting,” Mitch repeats like he doesn’t understand the word. He sounds dumb but he can’t help it.

“It has absolutely nothing to do with your work, Mitch, you have to trust me on that. But it would look questionable if, considering recent developments, you’d stay on to advise us with the roster.”

And fuck, it does make sense. It’s obviously something Mitch should have thought about – an inevitable consequence of his relationship with Auston. But he’s never felt that his work had anything to do with Auston, even if it was _literally_ about him and the team. His private life has always been none of the Leafs’ business (just like Kyle said so) and a little part of Mitch doesn’t think it’s fair that now his relationship is suddenly the exception to this rule.

“It’s still a demotion, isn’t it?”

Kyle sighs. “It’s something new. I know you like working with Alex and Mo and you’ll still get to share a lot of things with them. But this could also be a new challenge for you. Scouting is incredibly important in the organization and your experience and skills would add so much to the team there.”

Mitch knows that Kyle probably believes what he’s saying here, probably lives by his words but it sounds like such a PR answer, Mitch can’t help but feel like Kyle is keeping his distance from him. Trying to placate him. Trying to quietly shove a demotion down the throat of the guy his best player’s dating without upsetting anyone.

(Mitch doesn’t envy Kyle for his job here. He probably needs super high-level diplomatic skills for managing this stupid team with its stupid complications. But yeah, Mitch is still bitter because he’s worked so damn hard to get here – and for what? To lose it all because of who he’s dating?)

“You’re upset,” Kyle says. It’s not a question.

“A little bit,” Mitch admits because it was Kyle who said to keep things between them open and honest. Mitch is only doing that. “But I get where you’re coming from.”

“I know this looks like I’m taking an opportunity from you but… Just think about it, if I truly wanted to do that, I’d have a couple other things I could have done instead. I really appreciate what you’re doing for us, Mitch.”

Which is true. Mitch should also just appreciate the fact that he’s not getting fired for basically shacking up with their star player. Mitch feels like it’s probably some unwritten company policy not to fall in love with the players.

“And do let me know if I can help with anything, okay? This is probably going to be a trying time for the both of you.”

And Mitch nods and says okay and leaves Kyle with a small, plastered on smile.

As Mitch walks through the endless corridors, the phrase ‘reality comes crashing down’ pops into his head – but it’s not really the case, is it? Because sometimes reality doesn’t actually come down with a boom when it starts crashing through. Sometimes it goes down quietly, in moderately decorated offices, surrounded by understanding smiles and thick-framed glasses. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, friends! Hope you guys are doing well! My life's been slightly less hectic in the past week or so, though it's still a bit stressful (getting on T is not going as smoothly as I hoped for...) but I'm managing - and since it's fall break next week, I might even have a couple chapters up sooner rather than later. (As always, comments work wonders.)
> 
> In other news, doggo is making progress in potty training and he's still the cutest thing ever to exist. Life's good.


	27. Chapter 27

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s not the first time Mitch has kissed Auston in his life.

Mitch gets through the day fueled by sheer willpower and spite, and he feels like the biggest adult ever to adult because he only thinks ‘fuck this whole organization and this stupid city and this whole stupid world too’ maybe about three times the whole day.

One occasion being when he tells Alex the news – because, as expected, Alex was _really_ not impressed by Kyle’s decision.

(Not like Mitch can blame him – he himself was not very impressed by Kyle’s decision.)

Alex shouted. He huffed angrily. He wanted to abandon everything he was doing and tell Kyle what he _really_ thought about his decision. He also wanted to demand an explanation, like that’s something he could ever get from the GM of the Toronto Maple Leafs.

“It’s fine, dude,” Mitch said eventually, when Alex finally took a breath at the end of one of his monologues, even though, it was everything but fine.

“It’s really not. It’s not fair,” Alex responded, finally deflated, and Mitch was touched. Truly. He appreciated how worked up Alex got but he also knew he wasn’t right.

Because once Mitch finally calmed down, he kind of had to admit that he saw where Kyle was coming from. That there _was_ a conflict of interest in him evaluating the performance of his boyfriend and that this would be evident not only to everyone within the organization but to everyone outside the Leafs, too. He knows it wouldn’t be fair to the other players and it wouldn’t even be fair to Auston himself. And the thing is, that now Mitch’s almost more upset at _himself_ for not realizing this sooner. He should have seen this coming a mile away because it’s not even that surprising.

He still spends a couple minutes just absolutely shit-talking the hell out of Kyle’s decision with Alex. Mitch said he felt like the biggest adult ever to adult – but even adults get to shit-talk sometimes.

So really, by the time he gets home, his anger is almost completely gone and he just feels tired and spent. The moment he steps into his apartment, his smells something amazing wafting from the kitchen and his stomach weakly reminds him that maybe instead of being mopey about getting reassigned to another project (words have power, Mitch is not calling the decision a demotion anymore), he should have looked for some lunch.

“Hi,” says Auston as Mitch kicks his shoes off and goes straight to the kitchen. Auston’s wearing one of his old aprons, the ugly blue one with the green and purple stripes that Mitch doesn’t remember ever using in his life, and he looks so homey and so comfortable stirring something delicious over the stove that Mitch just – Mitch just lets everything go for the first time since Kyle has told him about his decision this morning.

“What’s wrong? Are you…,” Auston asks as he probably spots the expression on Mitch’s face but the rest of his sentence gets completely muffled as Mitch just throws himself at him. He buries his face into Auston’s chest and holds onto him tightly, barely avoiding knocking a sizzling pan off the stove.

Mitch feels Auston’s arms go up around him, holding him close, circling his body protectively. His chest is still as solid as Mitch remembers it to be, and for a second, he wants to smack his own head because why are they taking this slow, why didn’t they do this sooner, why didn’t he get to just _touch_ him before this. He wants to feel the skin and the muscle and the sweat on his body, he wants to feel Auston and Auston and Auston – just him.

“Hi,” Mitch whispers into his neck eventually. He’s still not letting go of Auston but he loosens his grip just enough to get to words out and for Auston to lean over and turn the stove off. Good thinking, Mitch would not have been very happy if his whole apartment burnt down. This day has been shitty enough already.

“I feel like asking if you’re okay or not is kind of pointless at this point. Or maybe you’re just always this happy to see me?” Auston asks, voice casual and joking, but he still has a worried line creasing his forehead.

Mitch snorts and he finally steps away from him. Auston keeps a loose hand on his waist, and it feels almost more intimate than their full body hug did, like the way Auston just casually keeps himself in Mitch’s personal space somehow means _more_ than then a hug would.

“Can we talk about this a bit later? It’s not… like, super bad and there’s nothing we can do about it now and… I’m hungry and I just missed you,” Mitch says and it sounds lame but it’s genuinely how Mitch is feeling now so he doesn’t even feel bad saying this.

Auston takes a couple seconds, just observing Mitch, like he’s trying to decide if he should be pushing him on this or not. Then he smiles, this small, secret smile that Mitch loves but is also way to tired to even try to decipher.

“Sure,” Auston says and he slowly draws a circle with his thumb that’s still on Mitch’s waist. That’s all Mitch feels for a second, or even two or maybe three; like that’s the only part of him that’s still there, standing in the kitchen with Auston.

Auston has always been a good cook and the food actually being good doesn’t come as a surprise to Mitch – but he still devours it like he’s trying to treasure every bite of it. It’s not even anything fancy, just some chicken with couscous and grilled veggies but Mitch’s stomach started loudly grumbling when they’ve finally settled down with their plates and only quieted down when he was halfway through his meal.

“Bah, why didn’t you stop me? I ate way too much,” he whispers eventually, stomach finally full as he goes to find a more comfortable spot on the couch. His stomach needs more space, there’s way too much food in it right now.

“I’m happy you liked it,” Auston says.

“Oh, I haven’t even thanked you for making me food. I’m a terrible human being.”

“No, you’re not,” Auston says immediately and Mitch fights the smile that threatens to break out on his face before he realizes that he doesn’t have to do that anymore.

“Thank you for making me dinner,” he beams at Auston and he swears that Auston starts blushing at that. He’s a freaking super star at that’s what makes him blush? Someone complimenting his chicken?

They sit there in comfortable silence for a bit, Mitch’s head resting on Auston’s shoulder, his arm around Mitch’s neck. Mitch knows he’s supposed to say something, that Auston is probably not going to make him talk about what happened today until Mitch himself doesn’t bring it up. But he feels comfortable and safe and calm finally and he wants to make sure this moment lasts as long as possible before the outside world rushes in again.

“So…” he starts eventually. It’s such a low effort way of starting this conversation but he can’t be bothered to put his thoughts into even a resemblance of some order here.

So he tells the story in short sentences: Kyle asked him to come in, told him he’d be working at the scouting department from now on and that he assured Mitch that it was not a demotion but simply a reorganization of their human resources.

“But it’s because of me, right?” Auston asks eventually and Mitch hates that the only answer he can give is a clear and obvious yes. Auston probably sees this on his face because he nods before Mitch could even verbally confirm it. “I get it if you’re upset with me.”

“Why would I be upset with you? It wasn’t you who told Kyle to move me to scouting. And I’m not even upset.”

Auston raises his eyebrow, perfectly communicating his thoughts without saying a single word.

“Okay,” Mitch admits. “Maybe I am a little upset. But not with you. It’s not your fault.”

When Auston offers nothing in response, Mitch adds, “And it’s not the end of the world, either. It might even be fun. It’s a new challenge.”

“Mitch.”

Mitch decides to not continue with his ‘And I’m so excited for this new opportunity’ because he has a feeling that Auston would not appreciate it. “Yes.”

“I need you to be honest with me.”

“I am honest with you,” Mitch says, already feeling defensive about this.

“No, you’re not. I _need_ you to be honest with me – and not just now, but all the time. If you want this relationship to work, if we want it to work, we need to be honest, Mitch. There will be enough shitty things coming from the outside, I need us to be on the same page here.”

Mitch knows he’s right. Mitch even appreciates the fact that Auston is not only being super responsible about this but that he’s willing to say this out loud and communicate this with Mitch. Mitch doesn’t know a lot about relationships – but people seem to be hung up on this communication thing so he knows this is good that they’re talking.

He knows all this and he still wants to go and lie about his feelings. Because he knows that if he tells Auston that he’s upset at Kyle and his decision and at this whole situation then Auston is going to blame himself. And Mitch doesn’t want that. He doesn’t want Auston to feel bad – not _ever_.

But Auston also wants Mitch to be honest. He _asked_.

“I am upset. But I need you to know that this is not your fault. And what I need you to know even more is that I don’t regret this. I don’t regret you. I know this is new between us but… Do you know how many things slipped out of my hands in my life because of truly stupid reasons? How many friends left me? How many opportunities I have missed out on? Jobs and school and even family things,” he says, and he takes Auston’s hand in his, lacing their fingers together. He also continues before Auston could even attempt to answer. “A lot. And I am so sad that they’re gone now. But I’m not willing to do that now. I have you and you’re one of the best things to ever happen to me. So don’t you dare blame yourself for this. Because in the grand scheme of things, this is nothing.”

“It’s a job you love,” Auston says, quiet and a little unsure.

“It is. But I still have it. And it’s a small sacrifice in getting to have you. You came out for me, at least to some extent for me, and that was your sacrifice. And sure, this sucks a lot because we shouldn’t have to do this. But I’m here and I’m willing to this. For you. For us. So don’t you dare blame yourself because this is _my_ decision.”

Auston is looking at him thoughtfully, his hand still in Mitch’s. Neither of them is moving and Mitch would be scared that it’s taking Auston so long to react something to all this (Mitch did basically bare his soul for him, but like, no biggie), but the room is quiet and dark and almost sluggish around them, like time and space and even the dust particles in the air have stopped swirling for a minute.

“Okay,” Auston says eventually.

Mitch snorts because he can’t _not_ snort at that. “Okay to what?”

Auston smiles. “Okay, I get what you’re saying. And while I kind of feel guilty, I’m going to just… try not to feel like that? But the moment you feel that our relationship is affecting your work negatively, you will tell me. Deal?”

Mitch nods. He can do that.

And as Auston smiles at that, this satisfied little smile like Mitch promising this was just _so_ incredibly important to him, and Mitch – Mitch just can’t stop the question from slipping from his lips.

“Can I kiss you?”

Auston blinks back at him for a long second.

“God, yes,” he blurts out immediately after and it comes out so forcefully that Mitch can’t help but start laughing as he pulls Auston’s head down to meet his.

It’s not the first time Mitch has kissed Auston in his life, and it’s not even the second one. But those were stolen moments; they were filled with a fear of rejection and desperation and this raw energy that came from not knowing how the other would react. This kiss is different, though, because of how light it is, how happy and joyful it feels to just be in this moment. Mitch is still laughing when they start kissing and he can feel the smile on Auston’s lips too. And sure, they stop grinning eventually because it changes very quickly after that, all of Mitch’s senses filled with Auston’s soft lips and his tongue and god, it’s hot and messy and amazing – but throughout it all, it remains this incredibly happy thing, too, this tingling of sensation on Mitch’s lips and under his hand and all over his skin where Auston is holding him close.

Even when Mitch finally pulls away to get some air, Auston’s hands stay on him, touching his back and his arms and his waist, and Mitch is feeling lightheaded as he tries to keep himself upright. He doesn’t even know how he ended up basically straddling Auston’s thighs but he’s sitting on top of him now, holding himself in place by resting both his hands on Auston’s chest.

(Mitch might spend a couple seconds literally just gazing into Auston’s eyes but he’s had a long day and he’s had a heart-to-heart and his stomach is full of good food and he’s touching Auston’s body in so many places it makes him dizzy – if he doesn’t get to be a cliché now, then when does he?)

“You know, maybe you should have started working for scouting way earlier. I didn’t know this would be the result I got,” Auston says and his voice is full of teasing.

Mitch wants to hide his face in Auston’s neck but he’s a big boy and he can totally take a bit of chirping. He’s totally not going to hide.

“Are you smelling my neck?” Auston asks after a couple seconds of silence.

Mitch takes an exaggerated sniff.

“I feel like this would be a good moment to tell you I’m secretly a vampire,” Mitch stage-whispers and even though it’s a lame joke, Auston laughs at him.

“Would that make me a werewolf?”

“I’m pretty sure me being a vampire has nothing to do with you being a werewolf.”

“There’s always a werewolf in the vampire stories.”

“There might be correlation between the two. But correlation does not imply causation,” Mitch says and he’s grinning before he even gets to the end of the sentence.

“That sounded way too nerdy. Stop being a nerd, Marner.”

“You can’t ask me to change who I am, Matthews. What sort of a relationship is this?”

“Nah, I’m just asking you to shut the hell up,” Auston says sweetly and he presses his forehead to Mitch’s.

And gosh, Mitch is a cliché but –

“Make me,” he says and he’d start laughing again because it’s a terrible line but he doesn’t even have the time because Auston’s lips are on his and all he’s feeling is his hot skin on hot skin on hot skin. He pushes his hands slowly and then more deliberately under Auston’s sweater and he only flinches the tiniest amount when Auston does the same to him. It almost feels like Auston was waiting for him to give him the A-okay on moving this one tiny step further, and it hits him somewhere in the back of his mind that it’s not just something he _feels_ – Auston was probably waiting for him to make the first move because he knows Mitch is not completely there yet.

And maybe this is the bare minimum, and maybe this is the least that we should expect from our partners. But Mitch is not used to this, and it makes him – fuck, he doesn’t know what it makes him feel but he’s somehow light and carefree and shy and happy at the same time.

So he kisses Auston back and he kisses him again and he kisses him once more, and twice more and maybe he doesn’t stop, not even after those kisses, not even after the extra ones.

And maybe they both had to sacrifice something to get here. But for the first time ever, Mitch is completely and utterly sure that it was worth it.

*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... I'm slightly tempted to up the rating on this? But I'm also... like, really conflicted because I don't usually write explicit stuff - but now I kind of want to? (I am a prude, friends, but also the kind of prude where I'm actually an 18th century nobleman who's turned on by a sneaky ankle.) I'm totally blaming the T I'm finally on, btw because... well, one of the first changes is increased sex drive so... you know, just putting this out there. You've been warned (and will continue to be warned in the future as well. No unforeseen mature content will be sprung upon anyone here, I can promise that. I'm just sharing my thought process here.)
> 
> ANYWAY i hope you enjoyed bye me and my hormonal changes will be on our way and you should be on your way to the comments section


	28. Chapter 28

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _All this_ is a great way of describing their situation, and Mitch is not even being sarcastic here. He couldn’t come up with a better description himself.

Auston is a lucky son of a bitch and it infuriates Mitch.

“Am I the asshole if I think you’re a lucky son of a bitch that your fingers are still broken?”

It probably says something about their relationship that Auston doesn’t even bat an eyelash at Mitch’s question, just keeps loading the dishwasher.

“Yes,” he answers eventually as he rinses a glass, like it’s obvious. “But if you’re really that jealous that my fingers are broken then I can totally help you out with that, you know. Totally free of charge. Also, do you sometimes pretend you’re that Reddit thingy? I don’t think people actually ask ‘am I the asshole if’ in real life anymore.”

Mitch is so not going to react to being called a _Reddit thingy_ , because if he starts laughing at that, he won’t be able to stop for a good five minutes, and he has things to do.

“Are you really offering to break my fingers?” he asks instead. “Because that’s a bit fucked up, Matty.”

Auston puts the last plate in the dishwasher. “You literally just told me that I’m lucky my fingers are still broken. Who’s the fucked up one here, Marner?”

“Touché. Anyways…”

“You seem a little worried about your new colleagues,” Auston cuts in before Mitch could even come up with something else to say.

Mitch usually likes that Auston doesn’t like to beat around the bush. This time – not so much.

“There’s a slight possibility, yes,” he says eventually, and he does not like the look of vindication on Auston’s face.

“And why is that? I know you’re not really…” Auston starts and then empathically does not finish his sentence.

“I’m not really what now?” Mitch asks, and he narrows his eyes at Auston.

Auston at least has the decency to look sheepish. Well, semi-sheepish.

“Well, you’re not really a… people’s person? I mean… you’re not really a fan of meeting new people?”

(Mitch would totally contradict that with a smart comment, but Auston is painfully spot on with that description.)

“It’s just going to look weird,” he sighs. “Like… don’t you think it’s going to look weird?”

“You working for scouting? A job you’re more than qualified to do?”

Which sounds nice and all, but Mitch is genuinely not looking for an ego boost here.

“Yeah, but me showing up accidently right after you’ve come out to the whole wide world?”

Auston sighs. It’s exactly the sort of sighing that (rightfully) assumes that they’ve already talked about this before. (Multiple times. Very definitely multiple times.)

“Okay, I know, they won’t actually know that the two things are directedly related to each other. I just… fuck, I don’t want them to think that I’m only there because I’m dating the star player on the team.”

“The star player who’s not even playing right now because of his lucky fingers?” Auston says and Mitch knows he’s trying to make him smile, but he can’t – he can’t _not_ think about all this.

They sit there in silence for a bit and while Mitch should definitely start leaving soon, he feels an almost paradoxical calmness as he sits there. The storm is always outside. Never in his kitchen.

“Come here,” Auston says eventually, and Mitch moves without even really thinking about it.

Auston can say all the pretty words, but sometimes what we all really need is a hug. (One of those big, engulfing, seemingly infinite ones that are so much more than just skin touching skin.)

“You’ll walk in there and you’ll do your job and things will be okay. And do you know why? Because that’s what you did the first time around. And look where you are now.”

“I literally just got demoted, you know,” Mitch interjects. He can almost feel Auston’s eye-roll at that.

“That is so not my point. You didn’t get here because of me. It’s all you, and they’ll see that, even if they happen to find out… well, all this.”

_All this_ is a great way of describing their situation, and Mitch is not even being sarcastic here. He couldn’t come up with a better description himself.

He also has no idea why he’s this worried about other people knowing about them. Or no, that’s not exactly right – he does know why he’s worried. Because he thinks back to his conversation with Auston a couple days ago when he jokingly said that half of the Leafs organization would find out about them within a second of him showing up in the office radiating happiness, but it’s so not the case now. Because telling Alex and Zach and Willy, and even Mo, would have been this awesome thing, like sharing happy news with your friends who you know will be thrilled for you – because, well, they are actually his friends who Mitch knows would and will be happy for him. But it’s not like that anymore, isn’t it? Because suddenly it’s not the old camaraderie of the office where Mitch finally felt safe to come out. Suddenly, it’s an office filled with people he doesn’t know whose first thought about him and Auston would definitely be more along the line of ‘oh, so _this_ is why you’re here’.

So yeah, Mitch knows why he’s worried. But he also hates it when he’s worrying about things he can’t actually change – and this, he definitely can’t change.

“Well, if they end up hating me or something, then I’m totally counting on becoming your househusband. But, like, without the having to lead the household aspect.”

“You’re going to drive the kids to school and take them to hockey practice?”

“Sure, I’ll even take your Honda to do it,” he answers without missing a beat.

And gosh, they’re totally jumping ahead and they’re also totally joking, of course, but _kids_. Mitch would be scared as fuck to take on the gargantuan responsibility that is being a parent, but it might actually be a real part of his future now. Something real. Something real with _Auston_. Something he might actually get to have.

(Fuck, that – that makes Mitch _feel_ so many things even if it’s really, really far off.)

He slowly pulls away from Auston.

“I really need to go.”

Auston smiles. “Go and do your thing. I’ll be here when you’re done.”

And that makes Mitch one lucky son of a bitch, too.

*

Auston was very right about Mitch not being a people’s person, because when he walks into his new office (which is even further down the stupid building, so Mitch will have to walk even more, which is incredibly unfair, Kyle), he is filled with dread and nothing else.

It also doesn’t help that apparently every single one of his new colleagues are already there, chatting away almost annoyingly cheerfully.

The thing is, Mitch knows most of these guys. The scouting department and the performance analysts usually work in the same circles (like, all of them are analysts, it’s quite _obvious_ they would cross paths) but Mitch hasn’t spent a lot time with any of them in the past year or so. He knows Travis and TJ, the young guys who only started a couple months ago, and he’s also spoken with Wayne a couple of times, but none of them are people Mitch would consider as anything other than maybe remote acquaintances.

Mitch has also zero time to figure out the best way to introduce himself, because TJ looks up from his conversation and spots him awkwardly standing by the door.

“Speak of the devil, Mitch is here,” he tells the whole room, and suddenly all conversations stop.

Fantastic. Just absolutely bloody amazing. This is the entrance Mitch wanted to make.

“Hi,” Mitch says and waves like the awkward child he is.

He can almost see the wince on TJ’s face. Or maybe he’s just imagining it, but he’s way too anxious to figure out the actual social cues flying around him.

“Come on, man. We’re buzzing that we can finally work together. Mo was obsessed with your work,” Wayne says, and waves him in.

Put on your big boy pants, Mitchy.

“Really? Whenever he talked to me about my work it was always ‘Mitch, I can’t believe you’re still not done with that, I gave that task to you over two minutes ago’.”

The guys finally laugh at that and Mitch is not ashamed to admit that he’s infinitely more relieved. Maybe he can actually talk to people? Maybe this won’t be so bad after all?

(Mitchell, you idiot, you really need to start knocking on wood.)

“That’s going to be your new desk,” Wayne points towards a desk that is almost identical to he one he had in his old office with Alex. “Though, you’ll probably want to set up your old computer. I know you guys are all very protective of your fancy monitors and whatever secret programs you’re running,” Wayne says with an eye-roll, like he himself is not also someone who probably does the same fucking thing.

It’s good to know Mitch will continue to work with hypocrites. He doesn’t even need Alex anymore.

“You know everyone here, right?” Wayne asks as Mitch puts his bag and indispensable cup of cold brew on his new desk.

“I guess… TJ, Travis and, I don’t think we’ve met yet?” he says as he looks around and spots a new guy behind TJ.

“Justin,” new guy says with an almost shy smile, and Mitch would totally call him a kindred spirit if his instincts as a man who’s spent eighteen years of his life as a closeted queer person would not shout at him to shut the hell up.

“So, we will totally get to work in a hot second, but first of all, you need to settle a rumor for us,” TJ says from where he’s perched on top of an incredible messy desk.

Mitch freezes. He doesn’t mean to, really, but he hears to word _rumor_ , and he feels his veins turn to ice immediately.

“A rumor?” he croaks out, and he hopes he sounds at least a bit normal. He doesn’t think he does, not really, but he also knows that nerds who work as sport analysts are not usually so well-versed in human emotions – they’re especially not good at recognizing them.

“Well, yeah. A little birdie told us you’re buddies with Kyle. Is he actually considering trading Freddie? Because if he makes another goalie trade again without actually listening to us, I swear to god, I will…”

“You’ll do what, now? Tell the GM you think he’s doing a bad job?” Travis snorts.

And Mitch would totally laugh with Travis because it’s a funny thing to say, but he’s also a little busy trying to calm his racing heart.

They don’t know. They don’t _actually_ know.

( _Yet_ , he adds, because a part of him already knows that it’s inevitable. He knew this when he heard the words leave Auston’s mouth back at the press conference, and he knew it when Kyle told him about scouting, and he knew it last night, with a sense of happy resignation as he thought about how lucky he was to be sleeping beside Auston.

But he also knows that he’ll cherish every second where he can still escape the looks and the whispers about playing favorites. Really, it’s almost funny how a couple of months ago his biggest fear was people finding out he was trans and –

Oh god.

These people don’t know _that_ either.)

“Okay, everyone, let’s conclude the gossiping for now. Mitch, I’ll get you caught up on things,” Wayne says, and apparently he does have some sort of authority over the guys because they get to work with almost no bitching.

Well, Travis does bitch a bit, but even he shuts up after Wayne raises an eyebrow at him.

Wayne also has his own office just beside the one the other three (now four, Mitch guesses) share. It’s all very organized with carefully labeled binders and a mug placed on a coaster instead of the bare wood. It’s also nothing like Mo’s office where Mitch was already familiar with every random knickknack on the shelves, but Mitch is definitely not going to be thinking about that. He’ll end up, like, crying or some other shit.

“So,” Wayne starts as they settle in chairs on their respective sides of Wayne’s desk. “I’m not entirely sure what to make of you.”

Mitch is very carefully keeping a blank face.

“Excuse me?” he asks eventually because his mum did not raise a heathen, thank you very much.

“Well… I’m not trying to put scouting down or anything, we’re basically doing God’s work here, but I also know that both Mo and Kyle were very happy with you. So, excuse me for wondering, but I’m a little confused on why Kyle called me and told me you’d be switched to scouting.”

So apparently Kyle didn’t tell everyone the actual reason he was sent here. But was it because he was leaving it to Mitch to decide how and when to tell them, or did he think it was better if they didn’t know?

(Mitch’s brain hurts. He should have just asked Auston to tweet something mushy about them instead of this limbo they’re currently in. Mitch would rather deal with the homophobes and the eventual transphobes in the comments.

Well, okay, no, he wouldn’t, but still. He kind of doesn’t want to do either of these things.)

“I think he’s just looking for ways to shake things up,” Mitch shrugs eventually. “Getting new guys in with a new perspective.”

Wayne doesn’t even look remotely convinced. Too bad, so sad, Mitch is still deciding whether he trusts you or not.

“So tell me about God’s work,” Mitch says, because no matter what look Wayne is giving him, he won’t be emotionally manipulated into telling him this. Mitch hasn’t been feeling a lot of trust from the Leafs lately, and he doesn’t have it in himself to be the bigger person.

Wayne looks at him in silence for a long moment.

Then they start talking about scouting.

Mitch knows it’s not over, though. As he’s said, he knows that things _will_ inevitably come out (pun not intended).

It’s not the question of if. It’s a question of when.

*

“I’m going to call my mom.”

Mitch is currently sprawled out on the couch with his head in Auston’s lap, and he doesn’t feel like he has the energy to do anything other than mindlessly stare at the TV that’s playing a basketball game he does not care about. He doesn’t like basketball, and he doesn’t know why he doesn’t like it, and because Mitch is a weirdo, it used to also infuriate him. Mitch wants to understand his nonchalance towards this sport that looks so interesting on paper, but he just can’t, and it drives him mad.

“Tell her I said hi.”

“Tell her yourself. You want to FaceTime her with me?”

And Mitch doesn’t even have to think about his answer.

“Actually, yeah, I’d love that,” he says, and he grins when Auston beams back at him.

Ema lets out a noise that could only be characterized as a shriek when she spots Mitch.

“Mitchy,” she says, and Mitch’s heart swells at how natural his name sounds coming from her. “Oh, how I missed you, dear.”

He also very definitely starts blushing, but Ema’s looking so happy to see him and it’s almost too much to take in. He’s missed her too, and he hasn’t even realized just how much he actually did before this call.

They don’t talk about anything serious, even though they could. They could talk about how Auston is still very definitely dreading to go back and face his team and the fans and the media for the first time since he came out, or they could talk about the fact that the last time Ema has seen Mitch he was hiding behind his long hair in the supermarket in Scottsdale, hoping that Ema wouldn’t spot him and ask why he wasn’t coming around to the house anymore.

No, instead they make fun of Auston for his recent obsession with true crime podcasts (because really, what on Earth do you see in those, Matty), and they talk about how Mitch’s parents are doing and what Ema’s going to cook the next time she’s coming up to Toronto to visit.

And it’s almost boring in its normalcy, just chatting with your boyfriend and his mom, about things that don’t really matter in the grand scheme of things, but it’s also so much more. Because Auston might still be in limbo about how people will actually react to having an out NHLer, and Mitch might be worried what their relationship might mean for his career he worked so hard for, but these are the moments when they can both be sure that all of this is worth it.

Because if, at the end of the day, you get to have this, then you’ll always come out stronger.

(Pun very definitely intended this time.)

*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M SORRY i didn't mean to disappear for literal months and i also know this was such a filler chapter but... okay, yeah, i have zero excuses
> 
> in other news: life's busy but i'm feeling this story a lot atm so expect more chapters in the near future i guess?
> 
> (near future, for those who don't know me, can mean anything between two days and four months. just a heads up for the newbies)

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos and comments are deeply appreciated - I usually crave validation and love at all times! Title comes from Conan Gray's Little League.
> 
> This is a work in progress and I have no timeline for updates. My track record for finishing fics is quite good, though, so don't give up just yet.
> 
> I'm @wewintogetherwelosetogether on Tumblr, though I'm on a bit of Tumblr hiatus - I still get notifs for messages, so feel free to ask anything or say hello! I'm nice!


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